How the west was won

'Guns nearly as big as ours! These Injuns are getting uppity! Need to be taught a lesson!' cried General Bush. 'I agree, sir,' said Captain Blair

Today, as a relief from modern warmongering, I bring you a plain tale of the old Wild West.

"Take a look at that, sir," said the old cavalryman, handing his telescope to General Bush.

General Bush was the supreme cavalry commander of all the cavalry in the United States of America. He was on a tour of inspection of cavalry bases in Injun country. Right now, he was standing on the walls of Camp David. He put the telescope to his eye.

"Looks like a small cloud of dust," he said finally.

"Try the telescope the other way round," said the grizzled old horseman. General Bush tried the telescope the other way round.

"Looks like a big cloud of dust," he said finally.

The old cavalryman took the telescope back and looked again.

"There's a white man riding a horse causin' that dust," he said, "and the reason he's riding so fast is that there are 20 Injuns behind him."

"Right, that's it!" said General Bush. "Let's get on our horses and go massacre those Injuns !"

Nobody moved. The members of his staff glanced at each other. Lieutenant Dick Cheney and Captain Powell and Colonel Rumsfeld. And the British officer, what was his name? The one who had been sent to them on attachment... Captain Blair. The one they had been told to be nice to. They all looked at each other. Only the grizzled old cavalryman spoke.

"That's not the way we do things round here, General. What we do round here, traditionally, is open the gates of the fort and let the lone rider in, then shut the gates just in time to keep the braves out, and they wave their weapons threateningly but impotently and then ride away as fast as they came, and we breathe again."

And it came to pass exactly as the old man said. The gates opened. The man rode in. The Injuns waved their weapons and rode away. Then they all breathed again.

"I held my breath for over four minutes," said General Bush. "Guess maybe that's a world record."

"Gosh, well done, sir!" said Captain Blair.

Nobody else said anything, except the old cavalryman.

"What we do next, traditionally," he said, "is go and question the lone rider and find what bad news he brings of how the Iraquois tribe is well-armed and on the warpath."

"Yep, the Iraquois tribe is well-armed and on the warpath," said the scout, when they questioned him. "They got so many guns, I never seen so many, and such big ones, nearly as big as ours."

"Nearly as big as ours!" cried General Bush. "These Injuns are getting uppity! Need to be taught a lesson!"

"I agree, sir," said Captain Blair.

"And so do the traders who sold them the weapons!" said General Bush. "I'm all in favour of entrepreneurial initiative, but ..."

The effort of saying these two long words halted him for a moment.

"I think you'll find the Iraquois have developed their own weapons, sir," said the scout.

"After all, they invented the bow and arrow. Sooner or later they were going to have the wit to develop the gun. And we think they may have developed herbal warfare as well. Their chief has put the whole tribe's effort into it."

"Sadass Hussar, is that his name?" said General Bush. "I think it's about time we whipped his ass for him."

"I agree," said Captain Blair.

"When you say 'whip his ass', do you mean 'send out a punitive expedition'?" said Colonel Rumsfeld.

"That's exactly what I said," said Bush. "I mean, we slap him down before he gets too out of line. I mean, we give him a little lesson. I mean, we teach him respect."

"If I can translate your folksy idiom into soldier's talk," said the Colonel, "do you mean we invade his tribeland, burn his tents, kill his braves and blow up his weapons pile ?"

"That's exactly what I said," said General Bush. "I don't want any tribe going round thinking it can kill and maim people at will. That sort of thing should be left to the white man."

"I agree, sir," said Captain Blair.

"So I say, let's go in and kill and maim the Iraquois till they realise we mean business," said General Bush.

"I agree," said Blair.

"Shut the hell up, Blair," said Bush.

"I agree," said Blair. "I will shut up."

And later they all rode out together on a war of retribution, all except the old cavalryman, who shook his head and said this was not the way they did things traditionally.