How can we forget

'Madonna is hoping to get a much-deserved title. However, thanks to The Beatles, there is no way she can ever be called Lady Madonna'

Where are they now? That's the question that flits across the mind of an editor or TV executive when they have run out of ideas. Let's look out some celebrities who used to be in the headlines every day and see what happened to them! If they're dead, we can call it a tribute. If it's for a TV show, we can call the result After They Were Famous. But if it's just for a newspaper feature such as this one, we can simply call it: "Where Are They Now?"

Slobodan Milosevic

Milosevic is still on trial in The Hague for crimes against humanity, as he has been for several years already. There are a total of 1,345 counts against him, of which several hundred are still to be heard. At the moment they are hearing evidence about 80 unpaid parking fines in central Belgrade, which he strenuously contests. He insists on confronting and questioning the traffic warden involved in each infringement. This could last for another few years yet.

Stephen Byers

Since he stepped down as Transport Minister, Mr Byers has been doing nothing to ease the transport difficulties of this country, or in other words, pretty much the same as he was doing before he stepped down as Transport Minister. He has also been heading a commission that has been looking into finding useful ways of keeping John Birt employed.

Mohamed al-Fayed

Mr Fayed has been attending a course of hypnotism in order to try to lose his craving to have a British passport. If that fails, he hopes to lose his craving to own Fulham Football Club.

Paddy Ashdown and David Owen

Paddy Ashdown and David Owen have pooled their immense experience of wars and peace negotiations to form a rapid reaction peace-bringing unit called Warbusters. This can be called in at a moment's notice to defuse a flashpoint situation, or at least to provide snacks and hot drinks. They are on standby in Baghdad at the moment.

George Orwell

At least two popular TV programmes of recent years have been drawn from ideas invented by George Orwell, namely Room 101 and Big Brother, though not perhaps in the form envisaged by him. Could George Orwell make a big comeback as a television ideas man and consultant? Ideas-strapped TV executives certainly hope so, and they are now mounting a big project to turn other Orwell concepts into prime-time television shows. They have already made a pilot programme of Animal Farm Big Brother, in which various celebrity animals try to co-exist in a studio farm and get voted off one by one. Other projects include Doublethink Your Money, Who Wants to be Big Brother? and an aspidistra-throwing contest.

(Unnervingly, researchers say that the unending war in 1984, which is the subject of a ceaseless propaganda campaign to whip up hatred against the enemy, is too like the impeding war against Iraq to be true...)

Madonna

Madonna is very much hoping to round off her career by getting a much deserved title. However, thanks to The Beatles, there is no way she can ever be called Lady Madonna, and she thinks there must be something better than Dame Madonna. If anyone has any ideas, she would like to hear from them...

The Hinduja Brothers

This ever-popular music hall act is at present touring flooded areas of Bangladesh, bringing entertainment to the beleaguered masses with their spectacular aquatic act, Underwater Pyramid Selling.

Michael Barrymore

Mr Barrymore is still busy with his swimming lessons.

John Major

John Major is driving down a quiet country lane in Hertfordshire. It is a lovely English autumn day. The trees are almost bare now, but the ground below is a carpet of brown and russet. There is a river flowing placidly through the landscape; from a cottage chimney rises a plume of smoke, near vertical in the still air; and from behind a tree steps a woman – hold on! What's going on here? There is a woman stepping into the road carrying a placard reading: "John, John, why didn't you even put me in the index of your memoirs? You brute!" It's Edwina Currie! Watch out, John! You're going to... Oh, my God.