Help me, I'm confused

'Blair wants to make sure that the standard of weapons inspecting rises, and that more inspectors get the right grades, year on year'

You're through to the Iraq War Helpline. If you have any questions about the forthcoming war against Iraq, please ask them now.

Has the war against Iraq started yet?

No, not yet.

Why not?

Gordon Brown says we should not go into Iraq until we have met the conditions he has laid down.

What conditions are they?

Well, the first one is that the financial conditions should be right. In other words, that we should be able to afford it.

What are the others?

The others don't matter. All that matters is that we should be able to afford a war against Iraq.

And how can we do that?

By getting help from the PFI sector.

Palestine Freedom Intifada?

Private Finance Initiative.

Ah. I get you. So Blair and Brown will raise finance for the War from private firms, will they?

Yes – from all those people who might have an interest in the war. Oil firms, mostly. It will be the first privately funded war of modern times. So with any luck it will make a profit.

But the Labour Party won't like that, will they? Surely they only approve of publicly funded wars?

The Labour Party won't know about it. The Government doesn't tell the Labour Party what it's doing.

Well, the Parliamentary Labour Party, then.

No, it doesn't tell them either.

Well, the Cabinet, then.

No, not them either.

So who does the Government tell what it's up to?

President Bush.

Why Bush?

Because they can rely on him not to remember what it told him.

But what is in it for Blair and Brown? Why do they want a war against Iraq?

It achieves both their ambitions at the same time. Blair wants to be seen as a world statesman. Brown wants to keep the price of petrol down. A war against Iraq would do both.

And what will it achieve in Iraq? A change of regime? A massacre? A popular uprising?

Good lord, no, none of those things. Blair and Brown just want to make sure that the standard of weapons inspecting rises, and that more weapons inspectors get the right grades, year on year, so that they can all go on to Weapons University. And when they are really good weapons inspectors, they can come and inspect the British Army's SA80 gun and find out why it doesn't work.

But there is a lot of opposition to the idea of this war, isn't there? What about this march they had in London the other day, the anti-war march? Wasn't that the biggest march of all time?

Yes, but so was the Countryside March. All marches these days are the biggest of all time, just as every new film is the biggest grossing movie of all time.

Still, it's quite a lot of people to have on the street, telling you they don't want you to start a war.

Of course it is, but luckily the media didn't give the anti-war march much coverage.

Why not?

They were more interested in Edwina Currie.

Edwina Currie?

Yes. News had just been released of her affair with John Major.

What's that got to do with anything?

Well, we now think that the news was released by Downing Street as a smokescreen. The idea was to justify Tony Blair's war in Iraq. It's as if he were saying, "Look, it isn't pleasant to declare war on a country, but hey, Prime Ministers have always had to do unpleasant things. Look what John Major had to do!"

Do you think getting into bed with Edwina Currie can be compared with going head-to-head with Saddam Hussein?

Right. That's it. The tone of this Helpline session has gone right downhill. Let's stop it there.

I'm sorry, but...

I mean it.