Exit man with knotted brow, pursued by a Blair

The other day I brought you a transcript of the famous Granita restaurant meeting between Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, at which Gordon Brown agreed not to oppose Blair for the Labour leadership. Well, not a transcript, but a version of the event as Oscar Wilde might have dramatised it.

Oscar Wilde? A bit frivolous, some readers thought. Could I not, they inquired, ask the mighty Independent computer to do it in the style of a more weighty playwright? And so I have! Without further ado, here is an extract from the late William Shakespeare's Two Gentlemen of Islington.

An Islington eating house. Enter two gentlemen of the court, Blair and Brown.

Blair: The north of London has a pleasant air,

So fresh and healthy after Westminster,

Where you and I do toil at politics,

Forever scrambling up the greasy pole,

In late-night sessions packed in smoky rooms...

Brown: The which doth suit thee well. Full many a time

Have I observed thee in the thick of things,

Wheeling with X, and dealing with Y as well,

Pledging a job to one and promising the other

The selfsame job thou hast just pledged elsewhere -

Thou art a master of the tempting art!

Blair: Nay, nay, sweet Gordon! I am a simple man.

I want the best for all of us to share.

I love my country and my countrymen!

Brown: ...And love thyself the best of all, I fear.

Thou art so loving of thy country's welfare

That thou wouldst be the leader just to serve it!

Blair: And so would you.

Brown: Ay, I feel that in me

Which would, if offered, take the seat of power.

Blair: I know there is. I see within thy eyes

A burning urge to seize the upper hand

And stride as master into No. 10!

Brown: And so would you, young Tony, so would you!

Blair: So there we have it. Two ambitious men

Who both do long to enter No. 10.

[Enter a waitress.]

Waitress: Have you decided what you want to have?

Or shall I leave you two more minutes yet?

Blair: Pray, damsel, leave us yet a while to mull

Upon the pros and cons of chicken livers

Compared with médaillons de veau suprême.

Waitress: I will, I will. I come back in a while.

[Exit waitress.]

Brown: You heard the question from the serving maid?

"Have you decided what you want to have?"

How true she talks! And how prophetic, too!

O, I do know what I do want to have!

'Tis nothing less than mastery of this isle!

Blair: With thee in charge of the economy,

The purse strings of the land would be safe

From all th'inconstant winds of global growth!

I see thee as a worthy Chancellor!

Brown: A fig for that! I mean to be top man!

Blair: Stop there! Stop now! Hold on a moment, Gordon!

To be that man you must be first elected.

To be elected you must catch the votes.

To catch the votes you must be full of charm.

Alas, I do not think you value charm,

Or cultivate it. Look straight in the mirror.

See that jowly chin and knotted brow.

See the way thy mouth works as thou talkst,

As if thy jaws were full of chewing gum.

List to thy talk, so fast and full of facts,

And ask thyself: What man would vote for me?

Your road to power lies through my victory!

Brown: You mean?

Blair: But let me charm th'electorate,

And we can share the spoils some later date.

[The waitress returns.]

Waitress: Well, gentle sirs, are now your minds made up?

Blair: Ay, that they are! Come, Gordon, let us sup!

Brown: Right merrily I will! Let's split a jug of sack!

[Aside.] And sit against the wall to guard our back.

More of this anon, fair readers.