Clash of the European dream teams

Another tumultuous night of all-action, high-drama, low-scoring European football last night! writes our no-nonsense, high-metaphor, low-cunning football correspondent Rene McGrit. Yes, as the cream dream teams of European football clashed against each other in the oxygen-rich heights of the Superchampions' Superleague last night...

Another tumultuous night of all-action, high-drama, low-scoring European football last night! writes our no-nonsense, high-metaphor, low-cunning football correspondent Rene McGrit. Yes, as the cream dream teams of European football clashed against each other in the oxygen-rich heights of the Superchampions' Superleague last night...

Just a detail, Rene, writes the sports editor, but doesn't oxygen get thinner as you climb higher? Yes, writes Rene McGrit, as the top teams of Europe struggled to survive in the rarefied heights of Euro-action, there were still enough British teams involved to keep British flags flying proudly, or as proudly as they can in the thin atmosphere of these empyrean heights!

M1 Wanderers, the most feared team from the British Isles, have had an erratic season, but fans must have hoped last night, as they faced the Transylvanian champions, FC Bram Stoker, that the wind would fill their sails again, albeit the oxygen-low wind of the upper reaches of the game...

OK, I think that's enough wind and oxygen metaphors, Rene, writes our sports editor. Just keep to the football.

Before M1 Wanderers ran out to face the Transylvanians, I asked Wanderers legendary boss, Sir Ron Aston, whether he thought they could pick up the precious points from this game.

"Well, Rene," he said, "my chief concern is whether my players can get through the season at all, battling against constant fatigue. We are playing a match every day, so what with the games themselves, and the travel involved getting there, we haven't actually done any training at all since early September. On the team coach we can do a little light jogging, but it's never easy when you're travelling at 70 mph."

There has been criticism that in their last few outings their vital defender, the Sardinian Rosicrucio, has been lethargic. In their game against Midland Ramblers last Saturday, Rosicrucio looked half asleep.

"Half asleep?" says Sir Ron. "He was fast asleep! I have been training my men to battle against their fatigue by taking power naps when the ball isn't near them. Unfortunately, he forgot to wake up at the right time. He told me afterwards that when he let through the vital attack, he had been dreaming he was on the beach in Sardinia. Is it any wonder that people tell you we are playing too much football? That will be £500, in cash, ta."

M1 Wanderers won 2-0, despite a five-minute hiatus when FC Bram Stoker's goalkeeper, Vladovic, was found with a stake through his heart, apparently thrown by a fan. But after a physio and two priests had ministered to him, he was pronounced right as rain.

Meanwhile, the Liverpool-based team, FC Culture 2008, ran out easy 4-3 winners against the intellectual French team, Post-Modern Paris Saint Germain.

"Typical French approach," the manager Steve McAdam said. "They asked the right questions. But they made the mistake of waiting for the answer. By that time we were 3-0 up at half-time. As I said to the manager afterwards, 'In the words of Descartes, we shoot, therefore we score'."

Controversially, FC Culture 2008 asked for a two-minute silence before the game, during which the crowd could think evil thoughts about Boris Johnson. As the crowd ignored the request, no action will be taken against the club.

Other results in brief:-

CUP-LOSERS CUP

Bonjour Trieste 1

Warsaw Concerto 1

EUFA PUNCH BOWL

St Raphael 1

Bianco Rosso 1

Pimms No 4 1

Manzanilla 1

EUROPEAN TUREEN

Dynamo Borscht 1

FC Bouillabaisse 1