Big Father! The TV show with the papal prize
By the end of the show, that simple cardinal will have blossomed into a huge spiritual leader
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Your support makes all the difference.It's the biggest reality TV show yet.
It's the biggest reality TV show yet.
No, sorry - I think that sentence really needs an exclamation mark.
It's the biggest reality TV show yet!
That's better.
Yes, starting this very weekend, we are about to get a show that makes Big Brother look like just another dystopian gathering in a village hall.
It's a brand new show called "Big Father"!
Why Big Father?
Because for Big Father, all the cardinals in the world will be getting together in Rome and going into the same room!
And they won't be coming out again until they have elected a new pope!
And that man will be one of their own number!
"It's got everything!" raves Simon "Tiny" Colditz-Castle, producer of the show. "It's got some of the wisest men in Christendom, if not the wisest men in Christendom, all locked up in the same place, choosing the man who will be in charge of the greatest number of Christians for the foreseeable future!"
At the start of the show, the next pope will just be a simple cardinal. By the end of the show, cardinal. By the end of the show, when all the cardinals will have voted each other off, there will be just one left and that simple cardinal will have blossomed before our eyes into a huge spiritual leader, a man who can change the world! And our cameras will catch it all!"
No wonder it's being called the biggest reality TV show yet, with lots of exclamation marks! And nothing is being left to chance. To comment on the machinations of the cardinals, many world experts will be drafted in to give their expert opinion on what is being said. Men like our very own Bishop of Thetford.
"Oh, sure, religious manoeuvring at this level is a tricky business," agrees the Bishop of Thetford (not his real diocese). "When you have been to as many synods and what nots as I have, you will know that all the top religious figures will lie and deceive and promise anything to get the result they want. I wouldn't trust any of them. It's non-stop back-stabbing and vendettas, lurking behind the cover of humility and modesty.
"But these cardinal guys didn't get where they are today by being modest and humble! It will be fascinating to see how they go about it. I can't wait for the starting signal!"
If there's one thing that producer Simon "Tiny" Colditz-Castle regrets, it's that there will be no women involved.
"Yes, it would have been nice to have the added interplay of male and female in a papal election," he says ruefully. "I was amazed to learn at the research stage that no woman has ever been a cardinal. I would have thought that basic audience research would have put that right years ago. But they've got away with it all these years, and I guess it's wrong to change a winning formula, so we're going to go with it the way it is this time round. Next time, who knows..."
There's a great deal at stake for the winner. The man who becomes known as Big Father not only gets a lifetime supply of gorgeous cloaks and jewellery, and little round white hats, and Swiss guards to do his every bidding, he also gets his own country (the Vatican), with its own stamps. He gets to create as many saints as he likes. He gets to talk to God on a daily basis. And he gets to tell people what to do, like whether they should use contraceptives or not. Previous winners have always told people not to use them, but there's a feeling that we may be due for a change in matters like this. Who knows - the next Big Father may even permit priests to marry! Or to be women!
"That would be a big step," says the Bishop of Thetford. "Many people go into the Roman priesthood to get away from women. A change like that would stand things on their head. But that's the sort of thing the cardinals will have to discuss, if they are going to be realistic. Personally, I can't wait for the starting gun! Have I said that already? Well, let me say it again, then."
Tomorrow, we take an exclusive look at the rival programme to Big Father. Don't miss our in-depth analysis of "Pope Idol"!
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