A tall, skinny latte with garlic and capers

'Five years ago there were only two kinds of coffee, white or black, and both were instant'

If you know anything about coffee, you may have noticed that the serving of coffee in Britain has changed radically. Five years ago there were only two kinds of coffee, white or black, and both were instant and therefore not coffee at all. It is true that you could sometimes get proper filter coffee. But it now turns out that in Italy, the home of real coffee via Seattle, there is no such thing as filter coffee, and that it really has to be espresso or cappuccino.

If you know anything about coffee, you may have noticed that the serving of coffee in Britain has changed radically. Five years ago there were only two kinds of coffee, white or black, and both were instant and therefore not coffee at all. It is true that you could sometimes get proper filter coffee. But it now turns out that in Italy, the home of real coffee via Seattle, there is no such thing as filter coffee, and that it really has to be espresso or cappuccino.

Furthermore it also appears that latte is Italian for milk. so that when people ask knowledgeably for a latte they should be getting a glass of milk, not a milky coffee. Even furthermore, it appears that "espresso" does not mean "rapid" or "express", as it seems to, but "produced under pressure".

Well, it is time to get everything sorted out so today I am bringing you a complete list of all the more exotic kinds of coffee you are likely to meet in a trendy new-style coffee bar. Here it is.

Caffe Macchiato Coffee with a dash of milk. Latte Macchiato Milk with a dash of coffee. Caffe Ricotta Coffee with a shot of cottage cheese. Caffe Insalata A kind of health-food coffee invented by faddish Californians - normally white coffee with a shot of parsley. Caffe Pavarotti A small amount of coffee in a very large mug. It normally turns up very late or not at all, and is incredibly expensive, yet people seem to go on liking it. Caffe Veneziana Venetian coffee. As you might expect, this is a small amount of dirty brown coffee with jetsam and flotsam on top, which gradually rises up the cup and threatens to engulf everything. Caffe Spumante Gently carbonated coffee which has to be handled carefully if it is not to go frothing over everything. Spremuta di Caffe Freshly squeezed coffee beans. Caffe Carlsberg Coffee with a shot of lager. Caffe Jamaica Coffee with a shot of lime. Caffe Surbiton Coffee with a shot of lager and lime. Caffe Millennium This is the year of the great millennial pilgrimage to Rome, in which, Romans are hoping, millions of wealthy Catholic pilgrims will come to the Holy City and spend all their money there. So far, however, they have received mostly coachloads of devout but very poor Catholics from Poland and other points east, all bringing their own picnics, and it is daily expected that the Pope will appear at his balcony clutching sandwiches in tinfoil in sympathy with his compatriots. Caffe Millennium therefore is the name given to coffee you have brought from home in a vacuum flask.

Caffe Nostra A coffee which you pay for twice, once for the coffee, once to make sure no accident happens to it. Caffe Capricciosa Coffee with a topping of anchovies, olives, pepperoni, mushrooms, etc etc. Caffe Romana Coffee served Roman style, that is to say, in such a way that nobody else from any other part of Italy likes it. Caffe Mussolini Seafood coffee with little mussels in it. No, as you were, I'm sorry - this is coffee served in a cup with a little tasselled hat to keep it warm. When the coffee is finished, the cup is turned upside down in memory of the great man. Caffe Staccato Kind of coffee made with strange knocking noises in the espresso machine, followed by shaking of cups on top and gradual sighing expiry of the machine. The proprietor then shrugs his shoulders and offers you a grappa instead.