A case for the record books

Yesterday I brought you part of an extraordinary trial in which Mr Lenny Fairfinger pleads not guilty to bank robbery on the grounds that he only wanted to get in The Guinness Book of Records. He further claimed that the editor of The Guinness Book... had encouraged him to do so. Today the editor of that book takes the stand...

Counsel: Your name is Redwood Thomas?

Thomas: It is.

Counsel: Redwood is an unusual name, is it not?

Thomas: Not particularly. Names of trees are often used as first names. One only has to think of Rowan Atkinson. Or Holly Golightly. Or U Thant...

Counsel: U Thant? Is there a tree called U?

Thomas: Yes, if spelt Yew.

Judge: Mr Tarlton, I would appreciate it if you could confine yourself to questions concerning the case.

Counsel: Of course, my Lord. Now, Mr Thomas, you are the editor of The Guinness Book of Records?

Thomas: I am one of them. At over 480 editors, The Guinness Book of Records is believed to have more full-time editors than any other book in history...

Counsel: Thank you, Mr Thomas. And which particular editor are you?

Thomas: I am the Law Court Editor. It is my job to appear in court cases. This allows the other 480 editors to get on with the job.

Counsel: I see. Now, is it possible, as Mr Fairfinger claims, that The Guinness Book of Records encouraged him to commit a bank robbery?

Thomas: No. Our records show that he wrote to us, inquiring if we had a record for the biggest bank robbery involving only loose change. We said we had not. He wrote again, asking if we would include such a record. We replied that we would consider any record if it were remarkable enough.

Counsel: Do you get many such letters?

Thomas: The Guinness Book of Records receives over 5,000,000 letters of inquiry a year. This is believed to be a record for the mailbag for any reference volume. The weight of the letters is more than the weight of London's Marble Arch. If laid end to end, the letters would stretch one and a half times round the world. The value of the stamps alone...

Counsel: Thank you, Mr Thomas. Has it ever occurred to you that encouraging people to set remarkable records may involve inciting them to break the law?

Thomas: If you are accusing The Guinness Book of Records of incitement to crime, that is slander. No one has successfully accused us of incitement to crime. Of over 1,000 actions brought against us, not one has succeeded. This is believed to be the largest number of unsuccessful legal actions against any one book...

Counsel: If laid end to end, how far would they stretch?

Thomas: I'm sorry?

Counsel: No matter. Now, Mr Thomas, do you think that anyone would ever consult The Guinness Book of Records merely to find out the largest amount of loose change ever stolen in a bank robbery?

Thomas: It is believed that anyone who consults The Guinness Book of Records to ascertain one record, carries on browsing to read at least another hundred entries. This is the highest rate of browsing achieved by any book in print. The Guinness Book of Records has been translated into over 90 languages, including...

Counsel: Mr Thomas! Stop it! You will drive us all mad with this drivel!

Thomas: The Guinness Book of Records is thought to be the only reference work to create its own mental disorder: "Excessio Guinnessionalis", caused by an intake of too many facts in too short a period. The commonest symptom is an obsession with useless facts and figures...

At this point the counsel for the defence pulled a gun and shot the witness dead.

Judge: Well done, Mr Tarlton. I think you speak for all of us. Remove the corpse and let us have the next witness.

The case continues, though not in this column.