Dylan Jones: 'Around 25 years ago I started a heavy-metal band called Devil Bitch. Now we're going to reform'

Talk Of The Town

Saturday 26 September 2009 00:00 BST
Comments

Your support helps us to tell the story

From reproductive rights to climate change to Big Tech, The Independent is on the ground when the story is developing. Whether it's investigating the financials of Elon Musk's pro-Trump PAC or producing our latest documentary, 'The A Word', which shines a light on the American women fighting for reproductive rights, we know how important it is to parse out the facts from the messaging.

At such a critical moment in US history, we need reporters on the ground. Your donation allows us to keep sending journalists to speak to both sides of the story.

The Independent is trusted by Americans across the entire political spectrum. And unlike many other quality news outlets, we choose not to lock Americans out of our reporting and analysis with paywalls. We believe quality journalism should be available to everyone, paid for by those who can afford it.

Your support makes all the difference.

Nowhere in Maslow's celebrated Hierachy of Needs does it mention our need for heavy metal. At the base of his pyramid are the physiological needs (like breathing, sex and excretion) and at the peak there is self-actualisation (morality, creativity, spontaneity, etc). And while I wouldn't want to be too prejudicial here, I might venture that HM lies somewhere around the top of the pyramid rather than the bottom.

And not in a good way, either.

After all, in the humanistic vision, human dysfunctions are caused by a faulty or interrupted development process. Dan Nelson's All Known Metal Bands, a new book published by McSweeney's, is perhaps the best example of why this might be. Called "the best bathroom book ever" by Rolling Stone – who really ought to know better – and "the greatest book ever published" by the Metal Jew website, Nelson's book is a complete A to Z of every metal band that has ever existed, containing the names of more 50,000 groups. From Beauty Till Death, Beaverstore and six groups called Bedlam, to Chainsaw Surgery, Erotic Funeral and 15 bands called Prophecy. There are also five Goatlords and three Wolfshades. But – and this is important, so hear me out – no Devil Bitch.

And this is my big gripe with Nelson's book. Around 25 years ago I started a totally fictitious heavy-metal band with my friend and lead guitarist Robin (who for the past 17 years has been masquerading as creative director of British Vogue). The band came about after too many imported lagers in a long-forgotten bar in Soho, and, for reasons again long forgotten, we were called Devil Bitch (our signature song was called "Love is a Machete"). And you know what? That's right. We're not in this book. Can you believe that?

And you know what else? That's right. Our exclusion has left us with no choice. We're going to reform. At least I am. I haven't told the guitarist yet, so Robin if you're reading this (and as an Independent reader, you probably are), we have a rehearsal next Tuesday, in the Armitage Shanks Studios up in Leyton. Seven thirty.

I'll be the bald guy wearing black.

Dylan Jones is the editor of 'GQ'

Join our commenting forum

Join thought-provoking conversations, follow other Independent readers and see their replies

Comments

Thank you for registering

Please refresh the page or navigate to another page on the site to be automatically logged inPlease refresh your browser to be logged in