Dom Joly: Time to shoot from the hip – or at it
Weird World of Sport: Maybe this is the solution to things that I find objectionable? An AK47
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Your support makes all the difference.I know it's wrong but I love the story of the England football fan getting shot in the leg in Kyrgyzstan. The man, from Rochdale, Lancashire, was in a bar in Bishkek, the capital of Kyrgyzstan. He was, according to police reports, "singing" football chants with his friends. A local, who not unreasonably objected to this continuous cacophony, asked the fan to stop chanting. In true British "sod the foreigners" tradition, the fan ignored said request and carried on. At this the local pulled out a handgun and shot the fan in the thigh. The story does not relate what happened next but I presume that there was a little less chanting in the bar and possibly a touch more respect for the wishes of the locals? Latest news indicates that the fan is out of hospital and rejoined his friends to go see the England game.
There are lots of questions raised by this incident. First, why was the fan in Bishkek at all? The game was in neighbouring Kazakhstan, home of Borat. Maybe they got confused and got on the wrong plane to Kyrgyzstan – definitely the hardest country in the world to both spell and name? How long was it, I wonder, until the fan discovered that he was in the wrong country? Maybe it was only in the hospital when he was talking to the doctor?
"Will I be all right to go to the game, doctor?"
"I am not a doctor, I am a vet and to what game do you refer?"
"The game in which we're going to kick your arse...Enguuurrrlllaaannnnnddd."
He suddenly looks nervously around to see if any of the nurses are carrying a gun. The vet looks confused as he holds up a huge horse syringe to the single bare light bulb.
"We have no game here, there is only the killing of the donkeys tournament this weekend. Maybe you mean the football game with the accursed sons of Beelzebub in Kazakhstan?" The vet spits and shoves the horse syringe deep into the tattooed buttocks of the wounded fan. "AAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH" screams the confused fan at which the vet produces a pistol from a shoulder holster and tells him with some forcefulness that this is a pet sanctuary and that anyone chanting will be shot.
The fan eventually staggers out of the building and rejoins his friends who have been beaten black and blue for wearing their Borat mankinis in a street where a wedding was taking place. One of them manages to get a signal on his iPhone and they look at a Google map to see where they are. Discovering that they need to be in Almaty, the neighbouring capital, they hail a horse and cart making sure not to make too much noise as they don't wish to offend the locals any more.
Maybe this is the solution to things that I find objectionable? Armed with an AK47 I can patrol the country shooting anybody in the thigh who offends me? I would start with Wimbledon. I'm not sure who queues up for Andy Murray. Does he get the same sad old biddies that used to queue up for Timmy? If so I shall fill all their thighs with lead – they're blocking the pavement and their paper Union Jack hats are offensive to the eyes.
I also have a personal issue with scullers. Whenever I'm wandering along the sunny banks of a river I'm always interrupted by some bastard sporting tight shorts and propelling his single-man scull past me. They always look at you but don't wave, like they're too busy and important. One quick burst of automatic fire and suddenly he's not looking so clever any more as vengeful swans consume him.
Joggers would also be a valid target. Whenever I'm driving up to the nearby town there are always a couple of them looking at me in my car as I pass by as though I'm really lazy and polluting the atmosphere. They'd soon change their minds with a couple of bullets in their thighs.
Maybe we should use the Kyrgy method to improve the fortunes of the England football team. If they lose then two of the players are chosen at random and shot in the thigh. This would definitely focus the team and we could make it into an after-game spectacle so that there would be something for the spectators to do should they be too nervous to visit the bars in town? Just a thought.
Foreigners and cricket
Twenty20 is supposed to be the future of cricket. I was watching a game between Essex and Sussexlast week and the on-screen "facts" announced that one of the Sussex batsmen's favourite band wasForeigner. Now that's real hip daddy-o...
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