Billy Connolly's a shocking comedian. But then how can you tell?

I'm not often shocked by things. In fact I'd go so far as to say that I'm almost unshockable. It was, therefore, quite a shock to be so shocked by Billy Connolly this week.

I went along to his gig, not because I'm a particular fan but because I'd had quite a lot to drink and had been asked to leave a pub I was in by an especially determined barman. I'd had a couple two many Snowball chasers and, as far as I remember, called him a "twazzock". I don't know what the word means and have never, as far as I know, used it before but it clearly offended him.

He and a large colleague of his were chasing me down a road in Hammersmith and I ducked into the Apollo just before they spotted me. Tired and emotional after my little adventure, I retired to the theatre bar only to be told that I couldn't drink there unless I bought a ticket for the show. I asked who was on, as the last act I saw there were AC/DC and I had to leave halfway through because my ears were bleeding. The man told me that it was Billy Connolly night and that there were a couple of tickets left. I bought one, staggered into the auditorium and collapsed into my seat determined to have a little snooze before retiring to the bar. This proved impossible because The Big Yin was making a Big Din. I eventually gave up and decided to try to appreciate the bearded Scotsman's output. I was totally shocked from the outset. Not by what he was saying. That was the problem. It was his accent, I couldn't understand a word he said. I looked around me and everyone else seemed to be getting the gist of it. I occasionally recognised the odd syllable, but it might as well have been in Greek for all I could make out. I eventually snuck out and hit the bar - unfortunately with my head - and ended up having to go home in an ambulance. But that was cheaper than a cab, so things turned out all right.

The next day I read that people had been offended by something he had said about Ken Bigley, the British hostage in Iraq, news of whose murder has since broken. Personally, I've got absolutely no problems with comedians tackling any subject as long as they are funny. I loathe Jim Davidson's world view but would never stop him from expressing it. The problem is that, to me, he's just not funny. (But then that's the great thing about being a comedian. There is no such thing as right or wrong, funny or unfunny. Everyone has completely different things that amuse them. Which is lucky, otherwise we'd all be laughing at the same joke and it would probably be one of Bernard Manning's.) People whose humour relies on dodgy political views can't really do any damage as they tend to be preaching to the converted and normally hang themselves when they're allowed out of the zoo.

I would prefer to pay £75 to go to see Madonna lip-synch than see Billy Connolly again, but he is consistently the best-selling comedian in Britain and hats off to him for his extraordinary energy and seemingly endless supply of facial hair.

I've never done stand-up. It's not my bag. But this column has proved to me that there is nothing that you can write about which doesn't offend someone - apart from the fact that everyone thinks that Sir Steven Redgrave is an amazing individual. I happen to think that he's a dull, humourless, workaholic control freak. (Don't bother writing to complain. I don't read letters 'cos I'm illiterate.)

Essentially, freedom of speech means just that. If you don't want to be offended by something, don't go anywhere where anyone is speaking, especially taxis. Watch Richard and Judy (unless Richard is talking about women's issues). The real offence is not people expressing their views but for other people to feel that they have a right to deny them that very freedom.

Having said that, I do wish that someone would ban Ed Byrne from doing any more annoying voice-overs. And I don't want to see any more celebrity reality shows. And I want one, just one, clip show where Vanessa Feltz says that she's not available for comment - but that's probably just me.