Deborah Ross: Our Woman In Crouch End

'She has been observed stabbing the insides of the wine box with a bread knife to get the last drops out'

END OF YEAR REPORT FOR DEBORAH ROSS (SUMMER TERM 2006)

DOMESTIC SCIENCE

We regret to say that Deborah has made no substantial progress this term, despite all her promises that she would try harder. In particular, she has often been spotted opening the lid of the laundry basket, sighing dispiritedly and then closing it again. She has also been observed: hiding blackened ovenware in the garden until she can secretly throw it away; putting her fingers in her ears and repeating "la-la-la" when asked what is for supper; preparing for guests by turning the pillow on to its "fresh" side; stabbing the insides of the wine box with a bread knife to get the last drops out; hemming her son's cricket trousers with Sellotape and mistakenly putting Nescafé in the coffee filter machine and then going round claiming it's "a miracle" as "look, no grounds". We are beginning to fear her failure to achieve in this subject is as much about stupidity as lack of care. We also do not understand why there is an umbrella and an MOT in the fruit bowl, and, as of yet, Deborah has provided no decent explanation. We do understand that the TV aerial snapped off, which is why it is now propped up in a walking boot on top of the telly, but feel getting it fixed might have been the more mature option. On a brighter note, she will shoo the cat away when it sits on the butter.

Achievement: F. Effort: F. Likely number of future guests to stay: 0. Number of previous guests who have asked for their toast unbuttered: 100% (full marks, Deborah - well done).

IT

Deborah is now sufficiently skilled to spend hours at www.figleaves.com appraising bikinis she is too fat to wear. We are minded to say this is pathetic but as it appears to be her only skill in life, we will say, instead, that we admire the focus she can bring to such a futile activity. She has also discovered that, on the whole, things work best if you, a) plug them in and, b) turn them on. She picked this up quickly after berating poor helpline chaps in India for months while crying. Also, she can distinguish between different musical rhythms from different cultures and is good with sand.

Achievement: A. Effort: A. Number of bikinis appraised: 792. Number of bikinis appraised that she is too fat for: 792.

ECONOMICS

Deborah refuses to cultivate a sensible attitude to money. We know that a hefty amount is squandered annually on digital cameras with 400 special features, of which she will only ever be able to work one, having become bored of the manual. We believe that a similarly hefty amount is squandered on replacing blackened ovenware. We can not say how much exactly, as she eats her cheque stubs and credit card statements to hide the evidence. Her accountant says that if another accountant wants to take her on - even his main competitor - that is fine with him. We feel that we must also point out that she can be most duplicitous. It's not just: "What? These shoes? They're ages old." It is also. "What? This roasting dish? Ages old. It's just that I've scrubbed and scrubbed it." And: "What? This camera? It's brilliant. Tons of features. You can even take the lens cap off. Look." Still, she can express herself well through water-play, although we are not entirely convinced this makes her less of an arse.

Achievement: D (she has saved on bikinis). Effort: U. Number of photos that have come out: 0.

SPORT

We have yet to see Deborah participate this term. We are still awaiting the promised medical note confirming that she has her period all day, every day, and also has a bad leg, lupus, a headache and is Jewish. Her essay this term - "Don't Make Me Do Sport; I'm On and Also Have a Bad Leg, Lupus, a Headache AND I AM JEWISH" - failed to convince or dazzle. Her excuse - "What do you expect from a Jew who has her period all day, every day?" cannot be accepted without aforementioned medical note. She is not an important member of any netball, hockey or swimming team but she was an excellent tree in the play, especially in the windy bits.

Achievement: E. Effort: C (good tree; good swaying).

GENERAL REMARKS

This has been a disappointing report all round for Deborah and, chances are, she will round things off by claiming to have left this on the bus where it was sat on by a tramp and then eaten by a dog. We believe that Deborah is not only exceedingly immature for her age but may be exceedingly immature for any age, and exceedingly irritating whichever way you look at it. She is not a popular member of class, mostly because she talks about everyone behind their backs and then they find out and hate her. She must learn to stop sneering at everything and everybody, which is not something you can make a living at. We have no idea what the future might hold for someone whose "miracle of the coffee grounds" failed to interest even the Hornsey Journal and who only excels at being a tree in a wind. We further believe that if she topped herself today, she would not be sorely missed. That said, she enjoys papier-mâché and is keen on colouring in. Keep it up, Deborah.

d.ross@independent.co.uk