Captain Moonlight: The Captain's Catch-up Service

HERE it is, once again, the ultimate in weekly news digests, the one that separates the wheat from the chaff and gives you the chaff . . . A gunman cut eye-holes in his mask so big that he was immediately identified and arrested after a raid on a shop in Rheims . . . Balding Dixie Dean, 64, of Southampton, has had 6X tattooed on his head after his favourite Wadworth's bitter. He bows to order a pint at his local . . . A man was shot by his dog in the leg near Slupsk in northern Poland. The dog knocked over the man's rifle, sending a volley of shots into his master . . . The BBC issued an apology after Alan Hansen, one of its soccer pundits, commented that an Argentine defender 'wants shooting for a mistake like that'. The remark came 24 hours after the Colombian defender, Andres Escobar, was shot dead . . . Builders have dug up a dead elephant in Barry, south Wales. Dumbo was buried there 50 years ago when he dropped dead after a circus performance . . . A fiend who spikes the drinks of bearded men then glues their whiskers together when they pass out is being hunted in Poland . . . Boris Paveharik's wife put ground pepper into his condom before he visited his mistress. Boris was rushed to hospital suffering severe swelling and inflammation . . . Suspicious customs officials at Melbourne Airport stopped a traveller and found a 4ft python hidden in his trousers . . . And, finally, 13 Danes have spent a record 125 hours perched on posts in the sea off the port of Karrebaeksminde.