Captain Moonlight: First, pass the vacuum down a trouser leg

SHIVER your timbers, it's the Captain! Can't dawdle today, advertisers fighting madly to come alongside Britain's Number One Columnist in Britain's Number One Newspaper, consequently space at a premium. So: housework. You just haven't got enough time to do it, according to some report or other. Captain can help. My top four timesaving tips: 1) Dishwashing: sit up on the draining board, wash with feet and dry with hands! This will also cut down on personal toilet time. 2) Dusting: a duster tied to the head in the manner of a knotted handkerchief will enable you to get into those difficult corners while leaving hands free for the porcelain. But be careful when jumping. 3) Vacuuming: while dusting, insert the vacuum attachment down one trouser leg. 4) Ironing: it's extraordinary what you can achieve in the field of dog training with the right combination of patience and firmness. I have found standard poodles particularly receptive; but, if you are using a terrier or any of the smaller breeds, do remember to lower the ironing board first. Next!

BBRRNNGG! Yes, it's the telephone, and, on it, with a Hot One, my crack celebrity correspondent, Ms Britt Bafter. "Captain, stand by your berth! For I can reveal, probably exclusively, that Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick and Tich are to reform! You must remember The Legend of Xanadu, Captain, all that stuff with the whip. Anyway, they'll be back on the road shortly, touring with The Trems, The Troggs, and Dave Berry, and taking in Tunbridge Wells, Llandudno and Worthing! Must dash, more like that very soon!" A remarkable woman, Ms Bafter. On!

KKERRPPLLOPP! Yes, that's the sound of an E Mail To The Captain! And it's a reply from Ms Langley, of Twemlow, to my appeal last week for an explanation as to why llamas all attend nature's insistences at the same time, forming a circle for the purpose. "Many years ago," writes Ms Langley, "the wealthy baron of a small province in eastern Chile conceived the modish idea of `house llamas'. These creatures made charming pets, despite posing an inevitable hygiene problem. By commissioning a local apothecary to develop a time-release laxative for the animals, life was made easier for the servants, who simply had to herd them into a neat circle at the appropriate time. This practice became so widespread that it has passed down through the genetic make-up of all llamas. Incidentally, this is thought to provide the origin of the phrase `the bum's rush'." Hmmm. I'm not sure, Ms Langley, whether this effort satisfies the demanding criteria for the award of one of the Captain's prized black and silver enamel effect Moonlight Badges. What does everybody else think? Call 0171-293 2462 now and Tell The Captain!

BBRRNNGG! The ring, the cough, the urgent whisper: yes, it's my redoubtable political correspondent, Ms Una Tributable! "Captain! Three for you! Did you know that Paddy Ashdown, out campaigning in Newport, Gwent, failed to make himself understood in at least six Chinese restaurants despite purporting to address the staff in fluent Mandarin? And did you know, too, that Ian McCartney, old Labour, new hard man at the Cabinet Office, got really frightfully annoyed after his pride and joy, his big new people carrier, was towed away and impounded, suffering severe collateral damage in the process? Somewhat upset with the impounding staff, apparently. And, wait for this, Gyles Brandreth, former Tory whip, is now compiling the Bambers Top Quality Frozen Meats Prize Crossword in that remarkable magazine Dogs Today!" Hmmm. I'm afraid I have to point out to Ms Tributable that: 1) Ashdown is now a former leader, and so old news. Besides, everyone knows that the Newport Chinese speak Cantonese. 2) It would be a story if McCartney hadn't lost his temper. Besides, the man is a Wigan fan. 3) Brandreth has been doing that crossword since 1990, and I haven't won once. There is a silence between myself and Ms Tributable, and a replacing of receivers.

TINKLE! Yes, that's the special sound of a call from my literary editor, Hugh Advance! "Captain! Waterstones! They sell books. Last year their special charity was The Medical Foundation for the victims of torture. And this year one of their celebrity book signers is Mad Frankie Fraser!" I confess puzzlement. "Captain, Mad Frank is the country's best known torturer, impromptu application of pliers to teeth a speciality!" Well. How much use is a literary editor who doesn't understand postmodern irony? This can be a thankless job, you know.

BBRRNNGG! Good golly, it's Ms Britt Bafter, again! "Captain, do you remember our world exclusive, strangely un-followed up elsewhere, about Prince Rainier of Monaco ordering a shellsuit from that fine London sporting goods shop, Lonsdale?" I murmur that it was not easy to forget. "Well, Captain, I'm very excited to be able to tell you that Lonsdale opened a new shop in Beak Street last week, 39 years to the day since they opened their old one, also in Beak Street. And, although Prince R was unable to make it, Terry Downes, former and legendary middleweight world boxing champion, performed the opening honours, just as he did 39 years ago! By the way, Captain, did you know that Lynsey de Paul, the pop chanteuse and diva, 48, writer and performer of `Sugar Me', owns a dog with three legs?" I replace the receiver, truly amazed once again at the sheer vibrancy of our entertainment scene. Next!

BUST! Making my way through the Commons in a vain search for Ms Tributable, I come to a sudden, stunned halt: for, there, just through Central Lobby, is a yawning space where the bust of Oliver Cromwell has stood these many years since. What's afoot? Well, Watson, two theories: either Tony has got it on his bedside table for further inspiration, or this Willie Hague makeover is going to be fiercer than we thought. Next!

THUMP! Yes, that's what the editors of rival newspapers do to their foreheads in despair when they read my acclaimed Moonlight Miscellany! And, now, two entries for my famous I Almost Met spot. Mr Wetherell of Hampstead tells me that only the other week he was almost knocked over by Harry Enfield on a bicycle, while Mrs Manson of Sheffield writes that both she and her husband did not stop to talk to Henry from Neighbours when they saw him in Piccadilly. Badges both! Elsewhere, I have to tell you that it is impossible to buy root ginger in Blaenau Ffestiniog, and that, in Bavaria, Herbert Meyer has crashed into a tree after being overcome by the fumes from a powerful cheese during a heatwave. Bye!

ECLIPSE Special: yes, this is the awesome, once-in-a-lifetime moment, specially recreated for Moonlight readers, when the Captain's tropical fish experienced the humbling power of Nature. Meanwhile, I am reliably informed, a magpie flew into a bush in Oban Road, Bournemouth, and then flew out again. Next!