Captain Moonlight: Christmas gift ideas

HERE IT is, at last, the answer to your fevered, brain-racked prayers: Captain Moonlight's Christmas List. No one is so rich or jaded that the Captain will not be able to provide a moment of magic on Christmas morn. How about universal chrome exhaust trim, at pounds 6.50 or pounds 4.50, available from the Classic Collection, Raynes Park? Or an Official Nigel Mansell Pewter Tankard, complete with an engraving of Nigel and his moustache, pounds 16.95?

Then there's the battery- operated heated ice-cream scoop, pounds 4.95, from the ChildLine catalogue; the cardboard wheel clamp, pounds 5, from Fylde Fun Forms, Preston; and the Cat Name Book, containing thousands of cat names, from the Westfield Cattery, Bournemouth. The Lloyd's Name in your life will perk up on receipt of your Porsche 911 six and seven-eighth inches die-cast replica, from The Franklin Mint, of Bromley, pounds 75 payable in four monthly instalments. Private Eye is advertising a Dalek 'built to BBC specifications, must be seen, pounds 750.'

The Worldwide Fund for Nature will provide you with an Endangered Species Jogging Suit for pounds 39.95. Still not excited? You've been waiting for the radiator bleeder and drip catcher, pounds 5.95, or the Trouser Robe, pounds 39.95, 'the more practical bathrobe, much more respectable when guests arrive unexpectedly]' from Innovations.

Right, my last throws. Scuff guard - the discreet dark grey non-slip rubber mat which fits neatly under the car pedals and protects the heels of your shoes, pounds 6.95 from The Leading Edge. Next, 'Balloon flights over Lancashire: Make that dream of a lifetime come true. Call 0772 601525'. And finally, the Pope has endorsed duvet covers showing details of Michaelangelo's Sistine Chapel. Inquire at the Vatican.