CAPTAIN MOONLIGHT

I'm backing Brum ... skidaddle, Skidelsky ... stamp of approval

ASTONISHINGLY, this newspaper has sometimes been accused of paying too much attention to the self-regarding few who live within the confines of single-digit metropolitan postal areas. Rot. Today the Captain declares himself four square behind Birmingham's bid to stage the great millennium exhibition. Yes, I can see, as I write, from up this big tower, the splendour that is Greenwich, Birmingham's rival venue; but proximity cannot negate right. It would be cheap, too, to suggest that my decision has anything to do with the prospect of invasion by thousands of gawping provincials. No: consider the claims of Birmingham, which I will now list. 1) You know it has more canals than Venice, but did you know that it has more parks than Paris and more trees than people? 2) Greenwich may have its Meridian, but there's a moon crater named after Birmingham. 3) Nigel Mansell was born in Birmingham. 4) Sir Cliff Richard set his famous film, Take Me High, on those canals. 5) It has suburbs called California, Hollywood and Perry Bar. 6) Joan Collins has visited a bookshop there. 7) Both the World Cup and the FA Cup have gone missing there. 8) Jerome K Jerome came from Walsall, which is quite near. 9) If you take a wrong turning at the famous motorway Spaghetti Junction, you will need to drive an average of 17 miles to get back. 10) Cotton wool was invented in Birmingham. Greenwich? Phooey.

n INTERACTIVE Corner: the part of the column given over to you, the reader, your hopes, thoughts and fears. And Mr Lewindon, of Felixstowe, wonders if it might not be possible for British Rail, or "National Railways" as I understand we are now to know them, or whoever is running the trains, to introduce no-talking carriages. Excellent idea, Mr Lewindon: then all the mobile-phone users and loud talkers about "downsides" and "bottom lines" could irritate each other. I see, too, that the Royal Mail is to put the price of its stamps up following my item last week about the revenue it was losing by accepting Mr Long of Loughton's home-made stamps featuring Baroness Thatcher instead of the Queen. No wonder, say I (but they're on to you, Mr Long: I got surcharged for this week's one). Meanwhile, reminding me that the Royal Mail has already featured Edward VII's mistress, Mrs Keppel, in an Edwardian series, Mr Merritt of Bristol has submitted a design featuring her great-granddaughter. Roll on privatisation!

SPONSORSHIP News: hurry if you want your company's name to appear up there in lights. Hush-hush feelers are out. I can say no more. During the interregnum, though, there remains the question of your rewards. And I am happy to be able to announce that the family firm, Nevins Ltd, north- western supermarketeers of extreme distinction, have stepped into the breach. They just happen to have some Brauhaus-Amberg lager which failed to capture Lancashire imaginations before the sell-by date rushed past (November, actually). Congratulations, Messrs Lewindon and Merritt, a bottle each!

n TOWARDS more colourful book reviewing. I must say I rather liked Peter Oppenheimer, top don, economist, Oxford, on The World After Communism, the latest effort of revered Prof and Keynes biographer, Robert Skidelsky: "In the unlikely event of it finding a wide readership, this work risks being responsible for a net subtraction from the sum of human knowledge." Oooh!

BRRNNGG! And, yes, on the telephone, my political correspondent, Ms Una Tributable, most exercised about this new political soap opera due to start on Channel 4 next month, produced by Edward Windsor's company and called Annie's Bar after the subterranean Commons libation facility where lobby correspondents and MPs meet and share strict confidences if not the bill. And she is still worried about veracity. One of the programme's parliamentary advisers, Michael Brown, the Tory MP, has just had to be shown exactly where it is; while another, Derek Draper, Peter Mandelson's exuberant and spirited aide, has been reduced to telephoning the present Annie, who is called Elizabeth, to ask her if she wears a uniform. I tell Ms Tributable that such a call might not necessarily be connected with programme research, replace the receiver and go off for my lunch.

n LEICESTER, a fine place. The Editor of this newspaper comes from Leicester, you know. It's in the middle of the country, on the way north. King Lear lived there and Cardinal Wolsey went to die there; which must mean something. Anyway, this woman walked into the Van Haydon travel agency in Leicester the other day and inquired: "That Round the World trip. Is it one way or return?" Listen, I'm just passing it on; she might not even have been from Leicester.

LINKING comment alert! On the subject of The Editor of this newspaper, I feel I should share the alarming event that befell Him in Sheffield (another provincial city) only the other day. Coming to the end of a private visit, He approached His car to discover it receiving attention from three of the local inhabitants. Upon inquiring the purpose of this attention, The Editor received the following reply, incorporating the local argot: "We're stealing your car, mate." Demurring, The Editor climbed into the car, and announced it His intention to return to the safety of the South- east. The three repeated their intention. "Go!" thundered The Editor with a mien some of us could have warned them about. Wisely, the three made off. You will not be surprised to learn that The Editor's next act was to check whether they had taken His copy of the Independent on Sunday. You will be surprised to learn that they had not. The Captain says: Keep tight hold of yours!

MOONLIGHT Dictator Service. The fall last week of Captain Valentine Strasser of Sierra Leone prompts me to bring you an exclusive story that has been burning a hole in my files since the Commonwealth Conference, when Strasser met Mr Simon Walters, diplomatic correspondent of the Sun, at a drinks do. During their little chat, Strasser happened to mention that, under the constitution of Sierra Leone, it was necessary for the President to be at least 40 years old. When Walters pointed out that Strasser was only 30, he replied: "I've got the uniform, you fool." Piquant note: The Captain has been replaced by a Brigadier.

OH, all right then. Mr Deal of Somerset, liked my joke last week about the bus - "Move farther down the bus ... It's not my father, it's my grandfather" - so much that he's sent in one of his own: Q. What did the Athenian conductor with a lisp say to his standing passengers? A. Parthenon the bus, pleethe. Have a bottle of beer, Mr Deal. But only if you don't send any more.

THE latest in my series intended to provide a much-needed contemporary relevance to tired old works of art shows some inspired amendments and additions to Marriage a la Mode II, knocked off by William Hogarth in 1743. Most of what I have done is pretty self-explanatory; I should only point out that the young man on the right is not the Duchess's financial adviser, but one of her detectives, considerably wearied by yet another shopping expedition. I shall close by reporting the stern words of the Yorkshire Evening Press on the topic: "The profligate Duchess not only brings shame upon the Royal Family but also on the City of York, whose name she has borne with so little grace." Quite. And this plea for sympathy from Lord St John of Fawsley: "The Queen is running out of money ... she probably has less than pounds 100m." Quite.

BRIDGEMAN ART LIBRARY

The Captain's catch-up Service

TIME FOR our weekly potter along the verge of the information superhighway ... Mrs Bernie Casie, of Clayton, Lancs, was thumped in the mouth and called "a cow" by one of a pair of clean-cut Mormon missionaries attempting to convert her on her doorstep. "They failed to display the delicacy of touch required," said a Mormon spokesman ... Lice are 50 per cent less likely to breed while listening to rock 'n' roll, Korean scientists who played them Buddy Holly and Elvis Presley have concluded ... Minnesota Fats, legendary American pool player, died. His widow, Theresa, had his epitaph ready: "Beat everybody living on earth. Now, St Peter, rack 'em up" ... John Major, 17, of Jarrow, footballer, was nearly sent off by a referee who wanted to book him and refused to believe it was his name ... Police stopped a hearse complete with coffin travelling at 100mph down the M1 to get to the funeral on time, Rotherham magistrates heard ... Artist John Morely had to redo his picture of Blickling Hall, Norfolk, after a cow came up to the canvas and licked all the paint off ... Austrian police are hunting a dyslexic forger of US currency marked "100 Tollars".