Boris Johnson will be throwing in some DVDs and a wheelbarrow soon – anything to get a deal

Strangely, it seems that Britain’s position of being one country is less powerful than the EU’s position of being 27 countries

Wheeler dealer? Prime Minister Boris Johnson (AFP/Getty)

This is an oven-ready deal. So Lidl should start making their own oven-ready deals, where you buy the packet, with a picture of a glorious shepherd’s pie on the front, and inside is a potato seed and a map to a farm that may or may not have a cow.

Boris Johnson should run a building firm, in which he says: “We can stick an extension on there, darling, it won’t take five minutes, it’s oven-ready.” And if they agree, he says: “Now all we have to do is buy the materials, get a hammer, learn how to build things, read a book about how to build an extension, then walk up the M20 and get all the wood out the back of a lorry that’s been stuck for three months on a ring road outside Maidstone.”

Minister James Cleverly explained that his party hadn’t lied when they said before the election they had an “oven-ready deal”, because they only meant the withdrawal deal was oven-ready, not the trade deal.

That’s fair, and it’s why their election slogan was: “Get the Withdrawal Deal bit of Brexit Done but not the Other Bit as that will obviously be much more complicated, with the Conservatives.”

The Leave campaign regularly insisted this would be the easiest deal in history, but they weren’t lying, either, because no one thought they meant the trade deal. Obviously they were referring to the deal with WH Smiths to buy the pencils used for Boris Johnson to doodle pictures of cats while he drifted off during the talks.

In any case, the reason it hasn’t turned out to be easy is because the EU is being unfair. So the argument is: “We had to leave the EU, because they’re a bunch of thieving, dishonest, bullying, undemocratic crooks. But there’s no way we could have guessed that in the trade talks they’d be a bit sneaky.”

David Davis often told us the EU would be desperate for a deal, because we buy all their cars and champagne. So that must be the bit they’re not telling us about. It’s reported that Michel Barnier says: “We can’t accept the proposed document on fishing rights”, but maybe the journalists don’t understand his French accent, and what he actually said is: “Please, please, please don’t walk away, I beg of you, o wise and oven-ready one, we’ll do anything to keep you buying our cars and champagne. Would you like us to make the fish a different shape? What about triangular cod with the face of Winston Churchill?”

Strangely it seems Britain’s position of being one country is less powerful than the EU’s position of being 27 countries. So the British team is in a similar position to the loser during the last moments in a game of Monopoly. By Sunday evening, Johnson will say: “I can throw in some DVDs, and a wheelbarrow, and you can have Matt Hancock and put him in a circus, and that’s it, I’m out of everything.”

Dominic Raab assured us it doesn’t matter if supermarket prices go up by 5 per cent as predicted, so the case for leaving the EU seems to be that it’s a wonderful thing to do because it will only make us 5 per cent worse off.

What a splendid example of the power of positive thinking. Next time you’re burgled, instead of whining, tell yourself the thieves only took 5 per cent of your life savings, so you feel ecstatic as you’ve taken back control. In fact, you’ve contacted them to ask if they can take another 5 per cent next week.

Dominic Raab also dismissed claims that we might run out of certain items if there’s no deal, because “supermarkets always stockpile things”. Yes Dominic, they do, they stockpile so many things that the things never run out, because the things are stockpiled all the way to the sky and they never tip up because they’re held in place by a giant with a thousand fingers.

So in a couple of years, if we’re all living off grubs and making soup out of our own fingers, we can blame the stinky Brexit people. But how did Remainers manage to lose to them in the first place? Many leaders of the Remain campaign say it was all a fraud, sounding like Jose Mourinho blaming everything on the referee. They should get him to do all the interviews, saying: “It is not fair. There is sign on bus. There is money from Russia. Dominic Cummings is cheat.”

But why weren’t Remainers, either during or after the referendum, able to convince people the Leave claims were lies? A common answer was that people are daft and easily led. This suggests if there had been a second referendum, the Remain campaign would have tried to persuade people to change their mind by saying: “What you failed to understand is you’re stupid. That’s the trouble, you see, you’re a thick northern twat, do you understand?”

Whereas the Corbyn-supporting wing of Labour used the tactic of saying barely anything about Brexit for 18 months, then if anyone suggested they should try and address the issue, calling them a centrist traitor. Even now, many of them insist Labour would have won the general election, if they’d stuck to the “Soft Brexit with Workers’ Rights” position they had when they came fifth in the European elections. Because the first rule of politics is the party that comes fifth today comes top a few months later, for no apparent reason.

So in a way, the Leave campaign was right. Because every one of us has contributed to s***ting on ourselves entirely unnecessarily, bringing us all together as a nation.