When we’re hunting rats in a no-deal Brexit wasteland, you’ll be glad you got some exercise on the ‘Put it to the People’ march

Brexit Britain has lost its mind. Maybe, just maybe, we can reverse the death drive...

Here are the basic stats about where we are as a country.

Days since referendum: 1,002

Days until we leave the EU according to the PM: 7

Days until the actual day we’ll probably leave the EU: 22

Withdrawal secured: 0

Workable plans: also 0

If you’re no good with numbers, roughly translated that means we’re f****d, lads.

This Saturday is the Put it to the People march, our last chance to tell the government that the people should decide the outcome of this mess. The hope is to convince MPs that they should give the people a say, rather than leave it in their own incapable hands.

Trying to get them on board by reminding them we think they’ve been terrible probably doesn’t sound like the best way to win them round, but it’s exactly what Theresa May did on Wednesday so at least they’ll be softened up to the idea.

Why would we want them to do that? Let’s recap.

They told us there would be no downsides to Brexit...

Can you imagine literally any other circumstances where the PM says “oh yeah, we’re prepping the army in a nuclear bunker right now in case it all kicks off next week” and half the population says, “yeah, OK, seems fine”? We have lost our minds.

Of all the reasons to push for another vote, the broken promises are the strongest.

In 2016 they said we’d have £350m for the NHS, and now there are already “unprecedented” medicine shortages because of Brexit.

Liam Fox said there’d be trade deals ready to go the second after we leave the EU that would be better than what we have now, and now he counts it as a massive victory when he replicates a deal we already had with the Faroe Islands, a place roughly the size and importance (in trade terms) of Bournemouth.

They said “there will be no downside to Brexit only considerable upsides” and now Theresa May reportedly said that “the people voted for pain”.

A surgeon has promised they would perform surgery on you and make you look like Tom Cruise.

“OK, sign me up,” you said.

As you’re going under he tells you “OK, I lied, I’m going to replace your hands with testicles.”

“But that’s not what I wanted...” you protest.

“You have already signed up for surgery, Mr Ballsforhands,” he says, lowering the gas mask.

That’s the situation we find ourselves in now as a country.

A new referendum is a way to consent now that we know what kind of surgery is actually on offer, rather than what the surgeon (who now turns out to be a butcher, by the way) reckoned he could do before he read up on what surgery actually involves.

If they can vote over and over again until they get it right, then why the hell can’t we?

Theresa May is about to bring a twice-rejected deal back to parliament to make MPs vote for it, arrogantly telling them they got it wrong in the first place – the exact argument she used against having a second referendum. If they can vote for the same thing three times in five months, it seems a tad unfair we’re forced to stick by a decision we made several years ago at a naive time when as a people we thought the mannequin f*****g challenge was cool.

The government that says we can’t change our minds are constantly changing theirs

The flip-flopping in government has been astonishing, and has seen Theresa May propose an idea and then whip against it and lose to herself, and Brexit secretary Stephen Barclay (a man so unknown a few months ago that when he got the job, even he googled who the hell he was) passionately arguing for an extension before voting against it 10 minutes later.

Even hardline ERG member Nadine Dorries tweeted: “I will not vote for it and never could vote for a deal that makes us servants to 27 member states for as long as they want us to be that way” in January before tweeting “I voted for the deal” in March.

They keep telling us we knew what we voted for without ever stopping to check. “What the public voted for” always happens to always mean whatever mad plan they have that week.

Maybe now it’s time for them to prove it.

At this point the most useful thing May could do is revoke Article 50, so I fully expect her to come out in a week and start listing which pets are edible

Theresa May is on the edge, and people are speculating that she really could push for a catastrophic no deal, which her government has been telling us for months will cause us food and medicine shortages, and they can’t guarantee won’t get people killed. We need to show her that this option would be completely unacceptable, and would kill the only thing she appears to care about – her party.

She keeps saying people want her to get on with it. It’ll be harder for her to pretend that’s the case when there are hundreds of thousands of people in the capital screaming at her to do the opposite.

It’s the only way out of this mess

The PM is out of ideas, other than delaying Brexit ever so slightly: clearly a very good plan that will definitely clear up the mess she’s made.

The only majority we can find right now in the UK is for ringing up Dignitas and asking “do you do countries?”

We’ve been led to a situation where the only options are a s*** sandwich or a s*** sandwich with cress. I know which I’d choose.

There’s no majority in parliament for anything, let alone the same withdrawal agreement that already died twice. A public vote gives them a much-needed get out clause. Take it.

One last howl of despair to make you feel good about yourselves

OK, I’ll level with you: a prime minister who constantly ignores petitions with millions of signatures, her own colleagues and just general sense probably isn’t going to pay any attention to the march and will carry on regardless.

I’m still going to do it anyway.

This whole thing has been a car crash. While the march probably won’t stop that, at least in 50 years’ time I’ll be able to tell my mutant grandkids huddled in their cave drinking Brexit Juice that I at least yelled “please stop” politely at the car. Maybe while holding a vaguely amusing placard.

Yes, it might be pointless; yes, Theresa May isn’t listening. But worst case scenario, I’ve slightly improved my fitness for next month when I have to hunt rats for meat.