Damn those Europeans ‘jumping the queue’ and taking all those jobs we’d rather not do anyway

Meanwhile, the people we send to Europe are clearly vital to the economy, performing essential tasks such as completing word puzzles, and living in a country for 15 years without learning how to count to three in the language

At last, our prime minister has explained why we’re sick of Europe; because the Europeans have been coming here to “jump the queue”.

To take just one example, across Britain there are Polish dentists, even though there are thousands of British citizens who aren’t dentists. The EU may object that those people have never shown any interest in dentistry and don’t know anything about teeth, but that’s because they hate Britain.

Because once the Europeans aren’t allowed to jump the queue, you’ll get someone BRITISH, instead of being forced to allow some Pole to poke you about. You’ll have a four-inch hole in your lip and your wisdom teeth will be sticking out of your nose but it will be a BRITISH disfigurement.

It’s the same on these farms. You get a huge queue of British people begging to pick brussels sprouts all day in Lincolnshire, and the Poles push in and say, “No, let ME spend 16-straight-hours bent double in a field until I can’t feel my fingers and I could be fumigated for a month and still stink of brussels-poxy-sprouts, ME ME ME,” and the British miss out. We’re being deprived of the opportunity to enjoy this sort of freedom and it has to stop.

If we end up with no deal, this will work out perfectly. Because we’ll all be surviving by growing sprouts in a mound of earth we’ve set up by the bath, so we’ll be able to pick them whenever we please.

Theresa May gave extra details to her proposal, when she said the Europeans jump in “ahead of engineers from Sydney or software developers from Delhi”. Is that the EU rules then? We need an engineer to build a bridge, and there’s one from Sydney who wants to move here and do it, but they’re not allowed, because we have to give the job to a random Romanian. In the interview, they say, “I not engineer but have many time walk across bridge, and blow up bridge many time in Fortnite computer game, so understand what is bridge”, and we have to give them the job. No wonder people here voted to leave and Australian cricketers get annoyed and cheat at cricket.

She was also quoted as saying it was unfair, because “people coming here because of free movement don’t need a visa, and others do”. So the prime minister’s complaint is that EU citizens jump the queue ahead of other people wanting to move here. So that’s why people are fed up with the EU. Brexit supporters want to make it easier for people from the rest of the world to come here, but because of daft regulations that favour Europeans, we can’t let them in.

So they’ll be delighted when we’ve finally left, and at last we can have a couple of million Syrians and Somalians over here straight away.

You can understand the exasperation with Europeans coming to Britain, and expecting to be treated as normal citizens. Because we wouldn’t dream of jumping the queue if we ever went to Europe.

There are 300,000 British living in Spain, but 40 per cent of them are pensioners, so it’s not the same. Because whereas Poland sends us useless people like dentists and plumbers and builders, we send Europe our citizens who are vital to the economy, performing essential tasks such as completing word puzzles, and living in a country for 15 years without learning how to count to three in the language.

This is the trouble with the EU, it’s all one way. British citizens are allowed to live and work in Europe without a visa, then in return we’re supposed to let them live and work here, without even having a visa. It’s like when you go round someone’s house and they make you a cup of tea. Then when they visit you, they expect you to make THEM a cup of tea, the cheeky bastards.

But the prime minister may have another reason for making these comments. Once a week, she has to offer something to the angry Brexit people to try to keep them on side, and that was this week’s present to them. As the vote on the deal gets nearer, she’ll say, “This morning I had a productive and encouraging discussion with Monsieur Barnier of the EU, and the one remaining sticking point is they come over here, bleedin’ hordes of them, like bloody ants they are, they get off the boat, go straight down the council and they’re given an hovercraft for free, just like that, I’m telling you.”

But at least it’s becoming gradually clearer what the deal will be that we sign up to: an agreement that nothing is ever decided, that we have a permanent transition period, and agree that at all times there will be a crucial summit coming up in the next three weeks, at which everything will be decided, and this will last forever.

And throughout these transition periods, we have to abide by all the laws of the EU, paying money into it without having any say in what it does, which is handy as that’s exactly what the angry anti-European people claimed was happening when it wasn’t true. So the most fervent Remainers will be happy because we really will be doing whatever Jean-Claude Juncker tells us to, and the Brexiteers will be delighted as they’ll have plenty to fume and seethe about forever, going redder in the face every day until their veins stick out nine inches above their forehead, the way they like it. See, it’s all going to turn out fine.