Here’s to Britain’s future – and the beaming nation of happiness Brexit has made us

There is a whole list of things to celebrate as we leave the European Union

What a day! It’s Brexit, so newspapers say it’s a “New dawn for Britain” and “Our finest hour”, and that must be why this country has never been happier.

Have you ever known a country to be more content, united and at one with itself than Britain is right now in our new dawn?

Everyone cracks with emotion as they tell you 2020 was the most glorious year of their lives, and this is the most optimistic New Year ever, with communities frolicking in the woods, singing: “Let’s jump and dance, we took our chance, now slightly less of our herring will go to France.”

You only have to glance at social media to observe our joyous spirit, full of messages such as “VICTORY over TRATORS PINTS not LEETERS” by someone called @loveBrexitmorethanmyownkidshateEUnapalmfrance34251.  

At last we can celebrate that Freedom of Movement has STOPPED, because I’m SICK of being allowed to go to OTHER PLACES. That’s why this government has not only been marvellous with Brexit, it’s done a wonderful job with coronavirus. Because now we’re not even allowed round to our neighbour’s house on New Year’s Eve.

Hopefully once we’ve settled everything, we won’t be allowed anywhere, even within our own house. If you need the toilet you’ll have to go where you are in a flower pot because we don’t need to move about because we’re BRITISH.

And British builders can relax at last. For years they’ve been complaining: “The thing with these Poles, is they say to people ‘We’ll come round on a Wednesday’, and then – they come round on a Wednesday! How can we compete with that?”

Usually when a country becomes independent, it’s the youth that create the momentum, such as the schoolkids of Soweto. But Britain has shown how original it is, by creating a successful campaign for independence in which the average age of campaigners was over 80.

So the celebrations will last long into the six o’clock news, with scenes of delirium as up to two people in a house say: “Thank the Lord we’re rid of them foreign f****** at last. Whose turn is it to make the hot water bottle?”

And there are no shortage of virtues to celebrate. The same Daily Mail that told us we were entering a new dawn, detailed our new freedoms. For example “Sending goods to the EU will now require a customs declaration.” GOOD, I’m SICK of sending goods to the EU without making a customs declaration.

Not only that, there may be a fee to send stuff. This should be celebrated in every borough. Local councils should organise “parcel parties”, where we all wrap up sheets of cardboard, and queue for forty minutes at the Post Office to fill in forms and pay nine quid to post it to Prague, then let off fireworks.

 We’ll have to pay a visa-waiver to travel to the EU. See, we’ve taken back control. In the old days, if you were a collector of visa-waivers, there was nothing you could do. You could write to the Foreign Office, offering to pay for one as you were going to Amsterdam, but you’d be told you didn’t need one, and you were stuffed, because we were controlled by Europe. But now you can buy however many you want, and celebrate your British spirit by lovingly collecting them and pasting them in a scrapbook.    

It tells us any qualifications passed in the UK “may not be recognised in the EU”.

So now we can have our own qualifications. Why should our maths exams be dependent on numbers agreed by Europe? From now on if we want seven to be more than twenty-three it can be. It’s a new dawn.

Our UK Health Card is only valid until it expires, so then we’re free to get our own diseases and not rely on ones from the EU. We can bring back smallpox if we want because we’ve TAKEN BACK CONTROL.

Our students can no longer take part in the scheme in which they could spend a year of their degree in Europe, which will make them instantly happier, because at the moment they’re not even allowed out of their 7 sq ft studio apartment. So instead of missing the chance to go all over Europe, they’re now only missing the chance to go round Britain.

British businesses are likely to need £7bn a year extra from now on, to pay in customs duties, because we have free trade. Before, if they wanted to waste £7bn they had to go through no end of red tape, or risk getting fined for dumping it behind some mattresses on an industrial estate on the outskirts of Coventry.

And on top of that, is the crucial issue which everyone in Britain regards as the most important aspect of their lives – fish. Whenever you ask anyone in this country how they are, the first thing they say is: “I’m worried about our mackerel.”

And now we have a deal in which the EU have to catch fish to a value of 25 per cent less, phased in over a five and a half year period.

Let every soul in Britain ejaculate with delight. Let’s rename 1 January “The EU have to catch fish to a value of 25 per cent less, phased in over a five and a half year period Day” – when we hang a herring over the door and give each other maggots.

What a beaming nation of happiness we are.