This so-called ‘investigation’ into Kavanaugh is a far cry from Hollywood’s depiction of an admirable, truth-seeking FBI

Donald Trump, unrefuted king of nepotism, president of the Brett Kavanaugh fan club and serial FBI basher will be steering a federal investigation into alleged crimes that he was openly mocking at a GOP pep rally this week

Americans tend to give the FBI pride of place as the be-all, end-all of law enforcement – and why not? I mean, it was the FBI who caught Patrick Swayze and brought his gang of bank robbing surfers to justice. It was the FBI who prevented a fatal act of terror at the Miss USA pageant, and defied the odds by convincing Hannibal Lecter to cooperate in a major kidnapping investigation.

Okay: maybe Hollywood producers are the ones responsible for fabricating the FBI’s fabled reputation as the globe’s most successful and infallible defenders of justice. But even so, you’d think after all this time and all the real-life successes they’ve chalked up, we could at least trust the FBI to carry out a simple, competent background check on somebody, right?

Wrong.

At this point, you’ll know all about aspiring US Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh and the accusations of sexual assault that have been levelled against him. Hell, even hiding under a rock you’ll have seen clips of the guy screaming at senators and crying about alleged victims of attempted rape and how they're ruining his life.

Queue the world’s smallest violin.

But even after the Senate Judiciary Committee ignited global fury last week by voting in favour of Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court nomination, Republican lawmakers have subsequently called for the all-powerful FBI to conduct a serious and methodical investigation into the claims being made against Kavanaugh so that Americans can be absolutely sure he’s not some sort of sexual deviant.

Believe it or not, even our petty, tiny-handed president couldn’t deny that GOP-led request – and so ‘Mr Man of the People’ assured us over the weekend he would be instructing the FBI personally on how they should conduct this investigation to ensure it all goes smoothly.

Hmm…Donald Trump, unrefuted king of nepotism, president of the Brett Kavanaugh fan club and serial FBI basher steering a federal investigation into alleged crimes that Trump was openly mocking at a GOP pep rally this week. How do we think this one’s gonna pan out?

As details of the joint Trump-FBI investigation into Brett Kavanaugh have started to emerge over the past couple of days, it’s pretty damn clear Johnny Utah won’t be getting his man this time around. I mean, hell, where do you even start trying to unpick this farce?

I guess we'd better take this from the top. Now, call me crazy, but it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to figure out that if you’re going to investigate historic allegations of sexual abuse, you should probably start by interviewing the alleged victims of that abuse, right? Well, apparently Donald Trump and the FBI think that’s an utter waste of time and energy.

They’re not going to bother asking Dr Christine Blasey Ford about her side of the story. But in the interest of fairness, they’re excluding fellow Kavanaugh accuser Julie Swetnick from the investigation, too.

Okay, then. But without any evidence from accusers, you’d at least expect the Feds to round up Brett Kavanaugh’s old Yale buddies and chat to them about this, right? After all, they’ve been parading around the media claiming Kavanaugh was a binge drinker who got aggressive while under the influence.

Wrong again! God, you’d make a horrible federal investigator.

The FBI isn’t actually doing much talking to anybody as it turns out. So far, they’re actively ignoring both alleged victims and material witnesses alike – and according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, plebs like you and I are never going to know what they actually have bothered to investigate, because he says the FBI’s report on Kavanaugh will not be made public.

Translation: It would seem that this investigation is nothing but an asinine political PR stunt.

In a few days, I can only assume that the FBI will feed Republicans a lightweight report absolving Brett Kavanaugh of any and all alleged crimes. He will get the job he was promised, and Donald Trump will send out a three-day stampede of triumphant tweets (in all caps, obviously) telling us what a great judge of character he is, how smart the FBI is and why women who say they have been sexually assaulted are just liars out to get hush money and ruin lives.

And when that happens, Trump will have successfully tarnished the integrity of two more crucial American institutions. The Supreme Court and its newest addition will be forever mired by controversy, and you won’t be able to pay Sandra Bullock all the money in the world to pretend she’s with associated with the FBI. Now we'll never know what would have happened in Miss Congeniality 3.