As a mother who has used breastmilk and formula, I know the shame and pressure that comes from both sides

I have sat in a hospital bed, sobbing silently while I listened to the women in the next cubicle happily telling the nurse that her son was 'such a hungry boy'. I could not get my daughter to latch. There was milk there, but we could not get it out. I was doing it wrong. I thought I was wrong

No one needs to justify to anyone else whether they feed breast milk, infant formula, or a mixture (Shutterstock)

Many mothers in the UK are celebrating an official vindication of their right not to breastfeed by the Royal College of Midwives – but sadly, it’s likely that women will still feel judged, whatever decision they make.

As the Royal College of Midwives said, “The decision of whether or not to breastfeed is a woman’s choice and must be respected.”

Women should definitely have the choice either way. Breastfeeding is an extremely time-consuming activity, requiring the use of intimate parts of a woman’s body. The right not to breastfeed is intertwined with self-ownership and the control we have over our own bodies. We do not give up these rights just because we become mothers.

Yet many women feel pressure, whatever they choose. On the one hand, they feel pressure to breastfeed or justify their use of infant formula. If you try to breastfeed and don’t succeed, you can feel like a failure as a mother. On the other hand, many women feel pressure to stop breastfeeding, because they feel shamed for not being discreet enough, for breastfeeding too often or for too long.

I’ve been on both sides. I have sat in a hospital bed, sobbing silently while I listened to the women in the next cubicle happily telling the nurse that her son was “such a hungry boy”. I could not get my daughter to latch. There was milk there, but we could not get it out. I was doing it wrong. I thought I was wrong.

After a lot of persistence and help from an amazing lactation consultant, we did end up breastfeeding. Unfortunately, I still wasn’t very good at it. My baby would stop mid-feed to have a look around, exposing my nipples. There was leaking breast milk – heck, there was sometimes breastfeeding shooting across the room. I was not discreet enough.

Then I was a pro. I could stand by the side of a roundabout, holding a breastfeeding child in one hand while giving a snack to another child with the other hand while I was looking out to flag down a friend’s car with the third eye that all mothers have in the back of their heads. (Yes, this really happened.) But I still felt judged: for feeding too long and too much.

A toxic context of guilt, shame and judgment surrounding infant feeding makes it difficult for health professionals to do what most want to do, which is to support all women and their babies.

I became interested in infant feeding decisions professionally. As a philosopher, I learnt that there are mistakes in our thinking when it comes to parenting decisions in general and how people feed their babies in particular. There is this background assumption that we have to justify these decisions, to show that we’re not doing it wrong. But no one needs to justify to anyone else whether they feed breast milk, infant formula, or a mixture. That’s why I founded the No Shame Campaign, to try and use philosophy to help reduce shame and guilt for mothers.

And if we focus only on guilt and pressure to breastfeed, we're missing an even more important message in the Royal College of Midwives' statement today: the need for more investment in postnatal care services and specialist midwives. Midwives need to be able to provide the support all parents deserve.

It’s easy to blame midwives and breastfeeding supporters for the sometimes hostile climate for parents. But the assumption that we need to justify our behaviour causes problems for them, too. When we are primed to feel judged, even an offer of help or information can feel like pressure. We need to get rid of these toxic background assumptions, so that all parents can be supported in how they feed their babies.