Black people, gays, Muslims – assemble! I know how we can destroy Boris’s bid for prime minister

The Tory membership love him for his bigotry. But what if Britain’s minorities took Boris under their wing?

The fight to become the next leader of the Conservative Party and our next prime minister has only two contestants left standing: Boris Johnson and Jeremy Hunt. Clearly neither are fit to lead the country but as only the Tory membership are able to vote the rest of us have to sit in horror as this car crash plays out in slow motion.

Many think that Jeremy Hunt is the better of the candidates and this is because they don’t know anything about him. He attended Charterhouse School, an institution that has churned out so many Tories that OFSTED have grounds on which to close it down. He has boasted about his stable family life compared to that of his rival, but also had no idea until recently that his wife was from China not Japan.

And then we have his rival Boris Johnson. A man so deep that when you scratch the surface you reveal… more surface. We don’t even know exactly how many children Johnson has. Whether this is because he’d rather not say or simply cause he doesn’t know himself is unclear.

Dubbed the English Donald Trump – the US president has been very vocal in throwing his support behind Johnson – this doesn’t seem to be putting off the Tory party members whose votes could put him into Number 10. Any racist, homophobic, sexist or Islamophobic comments never stick (or the Tory members just don’t care). The man seems to be made of Teflon.

His recent “domestic dispute” with his 31-year-old girlfriend Carrie Symonds had right wing columnists rushing to his defence, blaming everyone from his pro-EU neighbours that called the police to Ms Symonds herself. So what is attracting the Tory Party membership to the bigoted Boris Johnson? Maybe we need to look how closely their views align with his.

Half of Tory members believe that we need to reduce the number of Muslims coming to the country. Two thirds of them believe there are areas of the UK that operate under sharia law and many believe in the myth of no go zones where non-Muslims are not able to enter. I think they have confused “not able to” with “wouldn’t ever want to”.

For some reason I can’t imagine an old, white little Englander wanting to visit Small Heath in Birmingham. In fact the only time I’ve known a white person visit was Katie Hopkins who went there and made a video bemoaning the lack of white faces. What she ended up doing was unintentionally making a very strong argument for the niqab.

Over half also said they would not like to see a Muslim prime minister. Sajid Javid’s only chance of becoming leader of the Conservative Party would have been to deport himself and lead the country from Pakistan using Skype.

For those of you like myself that are terrified about how unperturbed the Conservative Party membership seem by Johnson’s misdemeanours, I have an idea. We should embrace him wholeheartedly. Hear me out!

Black people, gay people, Muslims: let’s make Boris our idol. The more we claim to love him, the more disgust it will induce in the Tory membership. He will lose their support in droves. White flight from the Tory party - just imagine.

We’ve missed a few tricks recently. We should have made Boris the figurehead for the first ever Windrush Day and every Iftar table during Ramadan should have had a cardboard cut out of Boris at the head of the table. The photos should have been posted on social media horrifying every Tory in the country.

But we still have time before the final vote on 22 July. There is gay Pride in London next week and Boris should be appointed as its Grand Marshal. After forcing him to inhale poppers he can give the closing speech announcing a new Bank Holiday – “Gay Day” – where we all have to sleep with someone of the same sex to promote understanding.

Boris has boasted about his Muslim great grandfather. We need to find more of his descendants and have them claim that if Boris gets the keys to Number 10 they shall seek asylum in the UK and move into Downing Street with him. We need to leak to the press that the reason for his new, smarter look is not his young girlfriend but his newfound vegan diet inspired by none other than Jeremy Corbyn.

Boris needs to have another affair but with the right kind of woman. A black one. Preferably a Muslim one. We could place “Your Country Needs You” posters around black hairdressing shops. It is becoming clear that before the Tories walk us all off a precipice, we need to do everything in our power to stop them. Even if it means loving Boris as much as they do.