There are herds of Tory leadership candidates as far as the eye can see – but not a principle in sight

It’s a measure of how low the bar has sunk, that if they manage to pose for a photo without soiling the chair, that puts them in the lead

It’s reported that 30 Tory MPs have suggested they might stand for leader, which is understandable as the Conservative Party has offered up such a wide range of impressive leadership qualities over the last three years.

If you’ve helped steer the country so calmly and wisely in recent times, it’s only fair you should have a chance to be prime minister, in the same way Prince Philip must think that having displayed his driving ability, he should now be allowed to race Formula 1 cars for Mercedes.

So now the potential leaders are preparing their pitch, by appearing in glossy magazines in their homes. Characters such as Dominic Raab and Michael Gove are taking turns to look statesmanlike while sitting on antique furniture, and it’s a measure of how low the bar has sunk, that if they manage to pose for a photo, that puts them in the lead. Because Tory members might say, “give Michael Gove his due, he appears to have sat there without soiling an Elizabethan chaise longue so he’s now 5-2 favourite”.

Jeremy Hunt was in a feature in The Daily Telegraph, with his wife at a garden party at Buckingham Palace, which he probably felt was an attempt at the common touch as this was very similar to a food bank, and it’s important to visit them to understand how they work.

Liz Truss posed in a green outfit by a marquee with her husband, for a feature full of statements such as, “she said Britain needs to build a million new homes, in a chiffon knee-length dress displaying elegant floral embellishment that’s both soft and chic, also available in cherry and marine blue, ideal shades for encouraging property development and questioning Donald Trump about whether to invade Iran”.

As the leadership election comes nearer, they’ll all be scrambling for the ideal photo sessions. Jacob Rees-Mogg will arrange a series of photos of him riding a ceremonial elephant through Mumbai. But in order to attract the female vote, he’ll also make a sweet film with his family, as his kids ask affectionately, “Who’s that?” and the nanny says, “That’s daddy, darling.”

Andrea Leadsom will try to boost her image as a leader, by getting herself photographed as she sacks two of her gardeners for coughing by a rhododendron.

But then the stakes will get higher and they’ll put little clips on YouTube, so now it won’t be enough to look colonial and hideous, they’ll have to learn skills. Dominic Raab will learn “Amazing Grace” on the accordion, and Boris Johnson will put a video on Instagram of him pissing into a Pepsi bottle from a height of nine feet, which he gets to by standing on staff from the canteen at The Spectator.

Boris, who confirmed today that he’ll be in the running, will then prove his credentials as an international figure, by releasing a picture of himself with world leaders. This will provoke questions when it’s clear this is just a drawing of the Congress of Vienna and Boris is just behind the King of Prussia, but in an interview he’ll explain this by saying, “Har Duke of Wellington modus operandi and all that”, and it will be agreed that’s pretty much cleared it up.

Chris Grayling will appear in a casual linen suit in his living room, in the hope Tory members vote for him on account of the fact he may be a useless twat but he’s got a lovely fireplace.

Then he’ll hand in his form, officially declaring himself a candidate, but absent-mindedly write: “I inform you we are now at war”, on it by mistake, and accidentally give it to the prime minister of Japan, leading to £50bn worth of damage and 9,000 deaths.

Then, once the contest starts officially, the competition will be even keener. Within an hour, one candidate will drop out because he’s accidentally retweeted a message of support from Gary Glitter. One of them will give up when footage emerges of them attending a fancy dress party as a golliwog, stuck with Velcro to a giant jar of marmalade. One of them will be recorded at a rally declaring we should make it compulsory for young offenders to join the Hitler Youth, to teach them a bit of discipline.

Maybe the reason there’s so many eager to stand, is that there is no set of principles they wish to advance as a reason for standing in the first place. Instead, they all make statements, on their lawn or in front of a selection of books about Nelson that, “I have always believed very strongly in Britain, and British objects, such as British wardrobes, and British dandelions which are the finest dandelions in the world.”

So there aren’t groups of MPs coming together to represent a particular ideal, that would choose one of them as their leader. There are just individuals who want to be prime minister because they want to have a go.

By comparison, Nigel Farage has a clear set of principles, that may be deluded, despicable, irrational and brutal, but there’s no mistaking what he stands for, so he continues to swipe a major chunk of Tory support.

Even so, it must still be possible that Theresa May will bumble along until the year 2090, when she announces she’ll go any day soon, but “the most important thing is I am determined to honour the decision, of the 11 people still alive who voted in the referendum”.