Boris Johnson will finally bring some ‘positive energy’ to Brexit, using the gift of relentless incoherence

His supporters have complained Johnson’s neighbours were ‘Remainers and liberals’, following the old Conservative values of being tough on the neighbours who report crime

At last. Boris Johnson will get the EU to agree to a deal, because, he said, “what there is now that’s different is a positive energy”.

That’s what we’ve been missing. He’ll sit in a circle in a park in Brussels with Liam Fox and chant “breathing is joy” and “let backstops be eaten by the spirit of ferrets”, then Jacob Rees-Mogg will channel blessings of the wind through his monocle and Michel Barnier will sign an agreement to give us Sweden and take off all his clothes.

Then we can get the Hare Krishnas to finalise a trade deal with Canada.

He was asked if he would take Britain out of the EU without a deal, although the EU would place tariffs on our goods, and said: “In the real world, the UK will not impose tariffs on its goods.” This nearly makes sense, as the only bit he’s got wrong is we can’t decide if there are tariffs on our goods, it’s the other countries who do that.

This must have been the problem up until now. The British government said to the EU: “You’d better give us what we want, or we’ll charge ourselves double for everything. If you ask for twenty quid for a crate of bananas, we’ll give you fifty quid, and let that be a lesson to you.”

The backstop, he said, will be solved because there are “abundant technical fixes”. This is excellent news, there isn’t just one or two, but an abundant number. This shows how stupid everyone has been, not to spot this abundance before.

So our main problem will be which one to choose. On Monday we could beam things up like in Star Trek, so a lorry load of tomatoes disappear in Kilkenny and pop up in Belfast. Then on Tuesday we can try the giant claw that lifts up Northern Ireland and drops it into Essex.

Eventually, in the BBC interview, he was asked about the incident in which neighbours called the police, having heard a disturbing domestic argument in which Johnson was heard screaming: “Get off my f***ing laptop”.

This upset many of his supporters, who complained that the neighbours who reported the incident were “Remainers and liberals”, following the old Conservative values of being tough on the neighbours who report crime.

This is why, when someone reports a crime, it’s very important to ask what are the politics of the person reporting it. A typical call to 999 goes “Which service do you require?” – “Police please – hello, I’d like to report a burglary currently taking place at…” – “If I can stop you there madam, can I ask how you voted in the referendum. Yes we’ll get round to the registration number of the car with the men and their shotguns, but what’s your attitude towards a customs union?”

He didn’t want to discuss the matter, he said, because “I don’t want to drag my family and loved ones into it.” That would be fair, except he’s the one at the heart of a rowdy domestic dispute. I expect Fred West would have loved to use a defence like that, so when he was asked where he buried the bodies, he could have said, “Oh that’s not fair, they were like family, let’s not bring them into it.”

The Evening Standard then published a photo of Boris Johnson and his partner, Carrie Symonds, in a garden, with a headline “so in love”. I suppose we could ask what are the politics of the person who edits the Evening Standard, but as that’s Conservative ex-chancellor George Osborne who’s a supporter of Boris Johnson, that would be much too complicated to ever work out.

There’s a suggestion the photo was taken before the argument, but even so, that would show they’ve got over it, because they were in the garden together before it happened, in the same way a picture of Anne Boleyn at Hampton Court with her arm round Henry VIII would prove that whatever tiffs they had afterwards, they’re still very much in love.

He was asked why, if he insisted on privacy at all times, he didn’t seem to mind a photographer taking a picture of him looking all loving and cute in the countryside. So let’s quote him exactly, when he said: “There’s a good reason for it. Because actually I think what people want to know is what is going on with this guy, does he actually, does he, does he, when it comes to trust...” This is the talent of a great politician, to put into clear and simple language what the rest of us are thinking.

This is his charm; his inability to answer any question. Next time he’s asked about the incident he’ll claim he was merely trying to encourage the new and growing sport of laptop throwing, as this is more modern than the discus.

Asked about why he got his facts wrong when he was foreign secretary, which led to the Iranian government extending the jail sentence of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe, he said to mention his error is to “let off the people who jailed her”.

In his first summit in Brussels, he’ll be asked a question about car imports, and give an answer that results in Britain having to do all Spain’s washing-up for a year. Then he’ll say “to criticise me is to forgive the Khmer Rouge their crimes”.

But none of it will damage Johnson in the Conservative Party. In fact an alleged angry domestic confrontation recorded by the neighbours will probably give him a boost. Next he’ll get himself filmed abusing a Muslim woman and arranging an illegal foxhunt in Hyde Park and he’ll be guaranteed 98 per cent of the vote.