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Bonus Top 10: Twitter Jokes
A bonus Top 10 to add to my collection. As an ‘added bonus’ (which is usually a tautology but not in this case), there are 18 of them
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Your support makes all the difference.Half of them are from the wonderful Moose Allain. Follow him. Buy his stuff. Pledge to support his book.
1. Are we being treated like a bunch of bells? We should be told. Moose Allain.
2. There’s a new helpline for that condition. If you’re suffering they’ll ring you. Richard Nurse.
3. “I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic but I am, so it comes over like that.” Marcus Brigstocke, via Lee “Budgie” Barnett.
4. Which idiot called it a nose job and not updating your profile? Moose Allain.
5. I never accidentally replace words with names of apes, except when I'm tweeting, obviously. That’s a gibbon. Cluedont.
6. I swallowed some caterpillars a few weeks ago, yet only now am I starting to feel nervous about it. Moose Allain.
7. Oh blast, I've forgotten the word for one of the administrative divisions of the Soviet Union. David Mills.
8. I thought the Sheep Signal had gone up to summon the help of Sheepman, but it was just a cloud. Moose Allain.
9. Heuristics is my favourite chain of Liverpool-based hair salons. Jake Goretzki.
10. Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end. Moose Allain.
11. Lorry carrying a shipment of Orange liqueur has shed its load on the motorway. Now there’s a cointreau flow. Peter A Russell.
12. Pheasant breeders need to raise their game. Moose Allain.
13. Pitt would have been diametrically opposed to TTIP. David Mills.
14. We got a watchdog recently. Absolute rubbish, it has no idea what time it is. Moose Allain.
15. My review of the Sun:
One star.
Timmy.
16. “I wasn’t allowed to stay up and watch the EU treaty negotiations in 1991.”
“Maastricht?”
“She was a bit.”
Moose Allain.
17. What is precise and sounds like a carrot?
Accurate.
Chris Heaton-Harris.
18. Beethoven has spent the years since his death decomposing. Moose Allain.
“Added bonus” should have been in my Top 10 Tautologies. My book, Listellany: A Miscellany of Very British Top Tens, from Politics to Pop, is still available as an e-book for just £3.79, or hardcover for £9.98.
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