At last the debate, live from the computer
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Your support makes all the difference.It suddenly occurred to me over the weekend that instead of having to wait nervously in case there might be a public TV debate between party leaders, it would be quite possible in this technological age to get it all over with now. Accordingly, I spent half the weekend programming the mighty Independent computer to simulate a public debate between our leaders in a brief digestible form.
What I did was to feed into the computer all the known facts about the parties, some things that haven't come out yet and their general level of argument. I then asked it to produce a short but spirited projected debate of the kind we could expect.
This is what it came up with.
Dimbleby: Hello, I am a computer amalgamation of all known Dimbleby brothers, and I am here to welcome you to Election Question and Answer Time, which comes today from the BBC Campaign Bus. Mr Major, would you like to kick off with a brief statement?
Major: May I just say that when I heard about Aintree....
Blair: May I just say that the same goes for me?
Major: When I first heard about Aintree, it meant very little to me as I have got enough to worry about already.
Blair: And same here.
Major: I mean it's not as if anyone was hurt.
Blair: You could almost say that life was saved by calling the Grand National off - horses' lives, at any rate.
Major: But then my advisers told me differently ...
Blair: And so did mine ...
Major: They told me that I would lose votes if I were not appalled ...
Blair: By the whole tragic episode ....
Major: So I was. I was absolutely appalled ....
Blair: And so was I ....
Major: By the totally unnecessary loss of racing ....
Blair: And by the reckless disregard for people's pocket money ....
Major: Shown by the IRA ....
Blair: In their attempt to disrupt the Grand National Race at Aintree on Saturday.
Major: Which succeeded.
Blair: Which succeeded.
A long pause
Major: Which did not succeed ....
Blair: Which did not succeed ....
Major: Because we never admit that the IRA has succeeded at anything ....
Blair: For to admit that the IRA had succeeded at anything, would only be to encourage them ....
Major: Which we can never do.
Blair: And nor can we.
Major: On this at least we are united and of one mind.
Blair: I concur.
Major: Ike and Kerr? Who are they ?
Blair: It's a computer error.
Major: Oh, right.
Dimbleby: Well, you seem to be of one mind so far, so perhaps we can move on to a topic which may produce more fireworks. And the first question comes from ....?
Ashdown: Paddy Ashdown.
Dimbleby: What is your line of business,Mr Ashdown?
Ashdown: I am a party leader and I want to know why I wasn't given equal opportunity.
Dimbleby: To do what?
Ashdown: To have a chance to express my shock and horror over what happened at Ascot.
Dimbleby: Aintree.
Ashdown: Aintree. After this terrible outrage, I saw people stumbling from the course, money streaming from their pockets ....
Major: I saw people with their empty wallets hanging out ....
Blair: We all saw the victims, hit by this bolt from the blue ....
Ashdown: One moment, solvent and happy ....
Major: The next moment, without even their bus fare home.
Blair: We saw poor innocent horses, deprived of the chance to break their legs and be destroyed ....
Major: The tragedy of Des Lynam, without even a handkerchief to staunch Jenny Pitman's tears.....
Ashdown: The 99-year-old Peter O'Sullevan being led away to be put down quietly .....
Blair: All this could have been avoided if only the Government had spent more on education.
Major: That's all very well, but where are you going to find the money?
Blair: Yes, but ....
Major: Yes, but ....
Dimbleby: I am afraid to say we have just received a coded message to say that this programme is about to be blown up, so I am afraid I shall have to clear the studio ....
I am afraid that that simulation somehow got mixed up with some horse- racing software. I will try again nearer the election date.
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