At last the debate, live from the computer

It suddenly occurred to me over the weekend that instead of having to wait nervously in case there might be a public TV debate between party leaders, it would be quite possible in this technological age to get it all over with now. Accordingly, I spent half the weekend programming the mighty Independent computer to simulate a public debate between our leaders in a brief digestible form.

What I did was to feed into the computer all the known facts about the parties, some things that haven't come out yet and their general level of argument. I then asked it to produce a short but spirited projected debate of the kind we could expect.

This is what it came up with.

Dimbleby: Hello, I am a computer amalgamation of all known Dimbleby brothers, and I am here to welcome you to Election Question and Answer Time, which comes today from the BBC Campaign Bus. Mr Major, would you like to kick off with a brief statement?

Major: May I just say that when I heard about Aintree....

Blair: May I just say that the same goes for me?

Major: When I first heard about Aintree, it meant very little to me as I have got enough to worry about already.

Blair: And same here.

Major: I mean it's not as if anyone was hurt.

Blair: You could almost say that life was saved by calling the Grand National off - horses' lives, at any rate.

Major: But then my advisers told me differently ...

Blair: And so did mine ...

Major: They told me that I would lose votes if I were not appalled ...

Blair: By the whole tragic episode ....

Major: So I was. I was absolutely appalled ....

Blair: And so was I ....

Major: By the totally unnecessary loss of racing ....

Blair: And by the reckless disregard for people's pocket money ....

Major: Shown by the IRA ....

Blair: In their attempt to disrupt the Grand National Race at Aintree on Saturday.

Major: Which succeeded.

Blair: Which succeeded.

A long pause

Major: Which did not succeed ....

Blair: Which did not succeed ....

Major: Because we never admit that the IRA has succeeded at anything ....

Blair: For to admit that the IRA had succeeded at anything, would only be to encourage them ....

Major: Which we can never do.

Blair: And nor can we.

Major: On this at least we are united and of one mind.

Blair: I concur.

Major: Ike and Kerr? Who are they ?

Blair: It's a computer error.

Major: Oh, right.

Dimbleby: Well, you seem to be of one mind so far, so perhaps we can move on to a topic which may produce more fireworks. And the first question comes from ....?

Ashdown: Paddy Ashdown.

Dimbleby: What is your line of business,Mr Ashdown?

Ashdown: I am a party leader and I want to know why I wasn't given equal opportunity.

Dimbleby: To do what?

Ashdown: To have a chance to express my shock and horror over what happened at Ascot.

Dimbleby: Aintree.

Ashdown: Aintree. After this terrible outrage, I saw people stumbling from the course, money streaming from their pockets ....

Major: I saw people with their empty wallets hanging out ....

Blair: We all saw the victims, hit by this bolt from the blue ....

Ashdown: One moment, solvent and happy ....

Major: The next moment, without even their bus fare home.

Blair: We saw poor innocent horses, deprived of the chance to break their legs and be destroyed ....

Major: The tragedy of Des Lynam, without even a handkerchief to staunch Jenny Pitman's tears.....

Ashdown: The 99-year-old Peter O'Sullevan being led away to be put down quietly .....

Blair: All this could have been avoided if only the Government had spent more on education.

Major: That's all very well, but where are you going to find the money?

Blair: Yes, but ....

Major: Yes, but ....

Dimbleby: I am afraid to say we have just received a coded message to say that this programme is about to be blown up, so I am afraid I shall have to clear the studio ....

I am afraid that that simulation somehow got mixed up with some horse- racing software. I will try again nearer the election date.