My anorexia didn't come from a 'fear of eating' – it started because I found comfort in habit and routine

The week after my diagnosis, I wasn't allowed to do PE, to horseride, dance or even go on the short walk to school. But I had my own strategies for fighting my mental illness

This poster campaign by model Isabelle Caro, who suffered from anorexia, was banned in Italy (Getty Images)

I will never forget the car journey home from the clinic after I was diagnosed with anorexia. I sat in the back seat, looked out the window and let everything sink in.

The week that followed was the first week where I didn’t dance, horseride, do PE or even walk to school. Before all of this had happened, I used to worship those occasional car rides to school, but now the regular car rides back and forth felt like rubbing salt in the wound. It was during those car rides that I realised how much I enjoyed walking to school with my mother in the early morning. I guess it’s true what they say: you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone.

A month after my diagnosis, I decided that it was time to tell my friends about it. I gathered up my closest friends and asked if they could meet me at lunch as I had something to tell them. I didn't know what to expect. How would they react? I sat them down in the science block where no one ever went and said the words: "I have anorexia nervosa.” Then I began to cry.

It seems silly, but I don't know why I cried. I wasn't sad or stressed. I just cried. My friends hugged me and I answered some questions they had about it. It was interesting to see how they dealt with it. Most of them told me that they understood what it was. And it seemed to me that they did know. But what some didn’t know was how to deal with it.

Overcoming my fear and doing what I thought was the impossible only became possible with the help of my best friend, who did understand how to deal with it. She challenged me, she told me that I wasn’t fat and every time I did the impossible she told me that she was proud of me. But above all she made me laugh during a really difficult time.

Having an eating disorder is not simply to do with “a fear of eating”; there are so many other issues which surround it. Before the disorder, I remember often feeling very alone as I found it difficult to express my emotions to others. I derived comfort from routine and habit; that’s how my obsession around cutting out certain foods started. The compliments that I received about my body and weight loss encouraged this obsession, until it all spiralled out of control.

I understood that something was not right in my mind when I realised I’d developed an irrational fear of gaining weight. The teachers at school were the first to notice. When they told my mother, I was angry as I didn't want to accept the fact that I had a serious mental illness and that I needed help. Writing about this now, I have realised how strong that fear was. The fear of having an illness, but not just any illness. A mental illness.

Eventually my parents took me to the doctor. The doctor told me that if I didn’t gain more weight over the summer, I would be sent to an eating disorder clinic. I told myself that that would never be the case but over the summer I lost more weight and was thus referred to a clinic. I think my wakeup call was when I was told that if I didn’t gain a certain amount of weight I would be hospitalised. Luckily I pushed myself to keep fighting my anorexia and it never came to that.

I found strength within me to pick myself up and fight the battle. I was inspired by the determination of role models such as Malala Yousafzai and the Suffragettes. It was then that I realised that, just like them, I wanted to change this world for the better.

At first, missing about four hours a week of school for therapy and dietician appointments meant that I had lots of extra catch-up work to do. I also had to be put on a strict meal plan and I wasn’t allowed to do much physical activity (which is why even walking to school wasn’t allowed any longer). That was the hardest bit of it all: having special treatment and hence not feeling "normal".

I vividly remember thinking about how happy my life was before the anorexia. It was a bitter nostalgia. I felt guilty that I did all of this to myself and my parents. But as the months went by, I began to gain more weight and feel better within myself. On the whole recovery was difficult, but rewarding. It not only helped me to overcome anorexia, but also helped my family and myself to understand each other a bit better. I hope to be discharged this year.

One part of the therapy was the pyramid of "fear food". The term speaks for itself; “fear foods” are foods that I am fearful of. For me I do not only have the fear of eating "fear foods", but also the fear of touching them as I believe that they could enter me and immediately make me fat. Of course, I know that isn't possible in my rational mind, but that is essentially what anorexia is: irrational thinking.

A year and a half later, I am a much happier person. There are still many foods which I have some irrational fear of, but on the whole I know that I am happy with who I am.

Last month, I spoke to my year group about eating disorders and my experience with it. I knew that it would affect my classmates in some way, but I never expected the response I got. People were talking behind my back about how brave and inspirational I am. I received messages from friends saying how proud they were of me and we even have a group chat called #teamizzy. It was then that I realised that me talking about eating disorders did not only raise awareness, but inspired other young people to use their voice. If I can face my biggest fears and talk about them, then so can everyone.

With any mental illness, the best thing to do is to talk about it because the more we talk about it, the less scary it becomes.

If you are affected by the issues mentioned in this article, the eating disorder charity B-eat can help

Isabella Lock blogs here