Children are being murdered because of the archaic idea that having two parents is better than one

The insistence of continuing to allow violent and abusive parents to see their children reveals a deeply troubling perspective lurking in our legal systems

Her name was Katy. She had a small pointy face like a bird and a long dark ponytail that ran down her back as straight as a pencil. “You’re a bastard,” she squawked. As we were only nine or 10, I didn’t really understand. She smiled as the confusion spread across my face. “Because you don’t have a dad!” And with that, she darted off.

I have been acutely aware that I have been brought up in a single-parent family, but not because of the absence of my father growing up – my life has been full to the brim of love and support – but because of how other people have responded to it. Quite recently, the CEO of a publishing house, in an entirely professional meeting, asked me very casually about the details of my relationship with my dad. I should have been surprised but I wasn’t.

What is surprising, however, is that the world still thinks something is seriously wrong if a child doesn’t have two parents in their lives. In fact, clearly, the world believes that access to both parents is so essential they will risk children’s lives for it.

This was what was brought to light by a Victoria Derbyshire investigation that revealed that in the last five years, four children have died because the UK’s family courts have decided to grant access, at times unsupervised, to parents with a known history of physical, emotional and sexual abuse.

More than 120 MPs have written to the government asking for an inquiry into the matter. On Wednesday, Theresa May rejected that request, adding that “the Ministry of Justice currently have not seen evidence to suggest that a public inquiry is necessary”.

In 2016, Women’s Aid launched its Child First campaign which sort to tackle precisely this issue. It produced a report called Nineteen Child Homicides, which “tells the stories of the cases of 19 children, all intentionally killed by a parent who was also a known perpetrator of domestic abuse. These killings were made possible through unsafe child contact arrangements, formal and informal. More than half of these child contact arrangements were ordered through the courts.”

As it stands, British law states that unless evidence is shown to the contrary, it is best for the welfare of a child to see both parents as much as possible. By placing young children in the care of those with a history of being abusive, clearly, the family courts play fast and loose with the idea of what that “evidence” might be. Sammy Woodhouse recently revealed how a man who raped and sexually exploited her when she was 14 was offered a role in her son’s life by Rotherham council while he carries out his prison sentence.

The insistence of continuing to allow violent and abusive parents to see their children reveals a deeply troubling perspective lurking in our legal systems. The preference of two-parent families is offensive to those of us who have happily thrived with one. It infers that a single-parent family is somehow lesser or inadequate for a children’s welfare. And that is wildly outdated. There are around 1.7 million single-parent families in the UK and there are increasing numbers of women choosing to bring up a child alone. The fetishisation of a “2.4 family” smacks of the 1950s.

The fact the children are being murdered also exposes the tired and toxic attitude we have about violence in a domestic setting. It is simply not taken seriously enough, because if it was, authorities who have the responsibility to safeguard children would not allow perpetrators to have any contact with children whatsoever.

The statistics tell us the majority of victims of domestic violence are women, and I can’t help but feel the insistence of access indicates that the rights of a man, regardless of what he may have done, trump the safety of the vulnerable around him.

In some cases, a man’s right to access is a greater priority than the welfare, and arguably lives, of vulnerable children. And that’s a devastating truth for this country to have to acknowledge.

Growing up, I could take the snide snubbing of little girls in the home counties who’d probably heard their mothers gossip about my single working one. The pride for what my mother achieved, and the phenomenal love and hilarity she injects in my life, the daily encouragement to dream and be outraged and be myself, have always erased any doubt that society likes to dangle in front of me that I might have missed out on something.

And yet I was lucky in more ways than I could ever know. Children are dying, being murdered, because of an outmoded idea that having two parents is better than one. How many more will have to die until we understand that a child does not need to see their violent parent?