The world’s most touristy places and why you should visit them

Enough of the exploring, says Mark Jones. Let’s all go on a nice holiday instead

Valley of the Kings (Getty/iStock)

The Royal Museums at Greenwich has a London Underground ad. Don’t be a tourist. Be an explorer, it says.

This seems a bit rude to the 2.5 million visitors who go to Greenwich every year, helping to make it the 10th most popular attraction in the UK.

You’d assume “tourist” isn’t a bad word to describe them. What happens now? Are they denied entry if they can’t prove their “explorer” credentials – show they’ve trekked overland from Shenzhen to get there or proved they can spell Ranulph Fiennes’ name?

Perhaps not. This is a safe and familiar piece of copywriting. Flatter people that they’re not one of the herd, that somehow their motives for visiting a place are far deeper and more noble than simply, say, wanting to have nice day out.

It’s all a bit bogus.

A former Fleet Street editor used to say to his travel editor: “What’s in the Holidays section, then?” My friends in the travel writing community wince when they hear that. But wasn’t the said ed right – that we’re really in the business of giving people ideas for their holidays? (And don’t think you gap-yearers and sabbatical-takers are any different. They’re just long holidays.)

So I’m outing myself as a tourist and a holidays writer. “Tourist” is a relative term anyway. Most people are impressed when I say I’ve been to the Arctic Circle archipelago of Svalbard. In truth, I was there just long enough to walk up a very small hill, meet a husky and buy a polar bear poster. Whereas spending several days on assignment in Hull or Dusseldorf trying to find material for travel articles – that was hardcore.

I’ve just read a piece about a traveller who was so cool she stayed in Cairo for three months but refused to visit the pyramids because that’s what tourists do. All I can say to that is: what a twit. As a riposte, let me name my favourite one-of-the-herd, fully-signed-up tourist experiences.

The Latin Quarter, Paris

The Latin Quarter still has a buzz that other Parisian areas don’t (Getty) (Getty Images)

I was a student making a few francs busking. I thought that was quite cool, until some mec at a party sneered “Saint-Michel – haven’t been there in 10 years”. Yes, it’s full of lost Americans, bad couscous joints and awful buskers. But it’s got an energy lacking in more fashionable quartiers.

Valley of the Kings, Egypt

The many calamities that have been visited on this country in the past decade means the Luxor hotels and Nile boats are pretty empty. You have a positive duty to hang out for a day with a guide and buy an authentic alabaster pot (just like the ones Tutankhamen had).

The Peak and the Star Ferry, Hong Kong

Hong Kong’s Star Ferry with give you unrivalled views of the island (Getty/iStockphoto) (Getty)

Western visitors to Hong Kong always want to know how to avoid “the touristy stuff”. More fool them if they succeed. The views from Victoria Peak and the battered green ferries that plough between the island and Kowloon are unrivalled anywhere else.

Covent Garden, London

Londoners have been moaning about the tourist throngs in the Piazza and surrounding streets ever since it was done up in the early 1980s. They should be proud of the place: the architecture, the laid-back atmosphere and the statement it made about conservation (one that was badly needed).

Torremolinos, Spain

The byword for cheap-as-chips Costa tourism is actually two towns: a proper, bustling Andalusia one inland and a sweaty strip of bars and hotels on the seafront. This was one of the first resorts to embrace the newly mobile tourist masses; Torre’s Fifties and Sixties buildings are of historic importance. Honest.

Jemaa el-Fnaa, Morocco

Jemaa el Fnaa is used by locals as well as tourists (Getty) (Getty Images)

I guess you can conjure up a “traveller” experience in Marrakech's premier tourist city that requires you to avoid the giant square at its heart. In fact, with its storytellers and juice stalls, Jemaa el-Fnaa is as much a magnet for Moroccans as visitors.

Angkor Wat at sunrise, Cambodia

I did a trip to Siem Reap with the objective of timing my visits to avoid the huge Chinese tour groups. Sunrise over the temple complex is the most obvious time to avoid. The trouble is, the experience is magical, inimitable and a first-class hangover cure.

Uluru at sunset, Australia

Uluru is not a place to feel guilty about visiting (Getty) (Getty Images)

Ditto. Did I feel grubby standing there with a glass of Aussie sparkling and a hundred other selfie-takers as the sacred inselberg went through 50 shades of red? I did not.

Takeshita street, Tokyo, Japan

This shopping street has all the sophistication of a five-year-old’s birthday party. It’s a ridiculous riot of candy, crepes, pet accessories and cheap cosmetics. It’s also irresistible. There’s the rest of Tokyo to adult in.

Macau, China

Macau might be full of pastiche and plastic – but it’s irresistible (Getty/iStockphoto) (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

Unless you are a serious gambler, it’s impossible to take this former Portuguese colony seriously. Most of the heritage stuff is made up by property developers; and elsewhere is does a terrific job of out-Vegasing Vegas for pastiche and plastic. Resistance is futile.

Venice, Italy

St Mark’s Square is the premier attraction in Venice (Getty/iStockphoto) (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

It’s the poster child for overtourism and if you are in earnest about the explorer-not-tourist thing you should really head to, I don’t know, Turin or somewhere. You will be missing out on one of civilisation’s outstanding achievements if you do, but Turin does have some very important converted warehouses you can tell your friends about.

The Circle Line, New York

The sightseeing boat that circumnavigates Manhattan pioneered the art of the corny tourist commentary. You’ve got to love it, and do it, however many times you’ve been to the city.

And here are some classic tourism sites that leave me cold...

Pisa, Italy

It’s a tower; it leans. Now let’s go somewhere interesting.

Bondi Beach, Sydney, Australia

Go anywhere other than Bondi Beach (Getty/iStockphoto) (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

There are better beaches in Australia. At the last count, around 1,458 of them.

The Little Mermaid, Copenhagen and the peeing boy, Brussels

The Little Mermaid – don’t put it on your priority list (Getty) (Getty Images)

Two not very interesting statues in not very exciting locations in their respective cities.

Sound of Music tours, Salzburg, Austria

Cracking town, daft costumes, hours you’ll never get back.

Suomenlinna, Helsinki, Finland

An impressive sea fort. A guided tour takes about 10 hours and will leave you wanting to gnaw your own arm off.

Las Ramblas, Barcelona, Spain

What’s all the fuss around Las Ramblas? Who knows (iStock)

Of the many boozy, overcrowded, overhyped streets in the world (Temple Bar, Dublin; Bairro Alta, Lisbon; the French Quarter, New Orleans), this is the one to put at the top of your must-miss list.