Sport on TV: Newcastle are left with oeuf on their faces

A Great week for those fortunate enough to possess satellite dishes or to be cable subscribers: no live Premier League football, so no need to stock up on beer and crisps to provide for the dishless hordes who pop in "just for a chat" moments before kick-off every time there's a match on Sky and stay for the duration. Nice, too, no doubt for the Sky presenters: Andy Gray could work on his golf swing, and Richard Keys could break out the depilation kit.

The BBC treated us to Sportsnight: Newcastle in Europe (BBC1), to which they could have added the postscript - But Not For Long. John Motson was in the commentary box in Monaco, which is no doubt rented out as a desirable tax-exile's pied a terre between games.

Motty has yet to come to terms with the latest developments in screen technology - or perhaps he considers them a threat to the commentator's role. "For those of you joining us late," he announced, as commentators have since Wolstenholmus covered Wolves v Gladiators, "34 minutes have gone and Newcastle have yet to pull back the goal they conceded at St James' Park." Thanks, John, but we know that: on the top left of the screen it says "34.00. Monaco 0 Newcastle 0".

A mere blip. Motson was soon hitting us with the relevant facts. "I noticed an interesting statistic in L'Equipe: 89 per cent of clubs in European competitions who win the first leg 1-0 go through to the next round." He is, as they say on the Riviera, un anoraque formidable.

There was more Gallic knowledge on display back in the studio at half- time, where Des Lynam and Alan Hansen were joined by Chelsea's Franck Leboeuf. A recent application of the razor had left Franck as bald as an egg or, to give him his French nickname, Franck Le oeuf.

In the further pursuit of style which is demanded of all Chelsea players, Leboeuf had commissioned from his tailor a suit with a chalk-stripe pattern so vehement that it looked like a motorway. To this he had added a scarlet- splotched tie that dazzled the cameras. In sum, the ensemble resembled a gory smash at Spaghetti Junction.

But he more than made up for his sartorial faux pas with his charm, willingly tackling Lynam's queries despite the fact that his English is clearly not as good as his manager's. Mind you, that still puts him streets ahead of Alan Hansen. Every time the Scot started growling about "pegs" Leboeuf's face clouded, and you could see him consulting his mental lexicon. "Pegs: items for securing clothes to a line." "Quoi?"

There were more language problems in the tunnel, where Ray Stubbs had the unenviable task of trying to extract an interesting sentence from Alan Shearer. Shearer can lead the line all right, but he can't come up with a quotable line to save his life. One particularly gripping exchange went like this:

Stubbs: "You've got to be patient, though, because another goal finishes it."

Shearer: "Yeah, you're right, another goal finishes it, but we've got to be patient."

You'd get a greater insight into the game by interviewing the Newcastle coach - the one with wheels on, that is.

Back in the studio, Des - of all people - became tongue-tied as he rounded up highlights of the Chelsea-Sunderland game. "Tony Gobber - er, Gubba, commentating on that." Spit it out, Des.

The next night it was over to ITV for The Champions' League - Live!, the exclamation mark expressing rather quaintly the fact that live sport on the network is rare enough to be a surprise rather than the norm. The prospects for the game looked grim, for a number of reasons: Manchester United led 4-0 from the first leg, Porto had left out their comedy keeper Hilario, and Bob Wilson was the anchorman.

Brian Moore was joined by Kevin Keegan in the commentary box, and it was not long before Keegan was displaying the international savvy that so distinguished his forays into Europe with Newcastle. "There's enough foreigners out there, Brian," he noticed. "If you count the Scots and the Irish, there's 19 foreigners out there in these two teams." Eleven of them were, of course, playing for a foreign team, but that's the trouble with these European competitions.

Big Ron Atkinson was on pundit duty in the studio, and as ever his enthusiasm shone through, as did his scalp, inadequately served by the Portuguese make-up artiste. "The first quarter of an hour," he summed up at half- time, "- very hairy". Wishful thinking, one suspects.

Starved of live action, Sky instead served up a worthy Tribute to Sir Stanley Matthews. The octogenarian Wizard of the Dribble revealed that he keeps up the exercise regime that he practised as a player, rising at six to make with the skipping-rope and the chest-expander. He is in touch with modern styles: Leboeuf would have been proud of Sir Stanley's blue polka-dotted shirt and pink tie. He also revealed that he used to fast every Monday, so that he would be starving by the time he sat down for a breakfast steak on Tuesday. No wonder he used to dribble.