What if Jose Mourinho had succeeded Unai Emery at Arsenal instead of joining Tottenham?

Could the Portuguese have negotiated the Gunners’ infighting, fractious fanbase and cascading fall down the table?

In the days before Jose Mourinho’s appointment at Tottenham was confirmed, the whispers of Arsenal's interest in the manager - and a supposed meeting between himself and Raul Sanllehi - became impossible to ignore.

But what if, in an alternate reality, rather than allowing Emery's reign to sour, Arsenal's hierarchy had acted first and Mourinho really had become the new Arsenal manager?

Mourinho signs

After offering £3m-per-year more than he originally demanded and allowing Amazon exclusive access to the club’s possible demise, Vinai Venkatesham and Raul Sanllehi have successfully outraced Daniel Levy to replace Unai Emery with Jose Mourinho.

But after arriving with such a history of animosity towards the club and its supporters, the hierarchy knows every first step could define their gamble. Can Mourinho negotiate the infighting, fractious fanbase and cascading fall down the table to halt Arsenal’s worst run of form in 20 years?

First Press Conference

“Firstly, I would like to thank Arsene Wenger,” Mourinho says, before being reminded that Emery was in fact manager for the last 18 months. “I have always been humble enough to say I respect him. Always.”

“How happy are you to manage Arsenal, Jose?”

Could Jose Mourinho have steered Arsenal to success? (Getty)

“When I said he was a voyeur with a telescope and a specialist in failure, I said it with respect. These were compliments. It’s just you who could not understand that. This will always be Arsene’s home. I am,” he pauses, feeding off the suspense like a post-nuclear termite. ‘The sorrowful one’. I wish him happiness in the next life.”

He’s not dead, a reporter rushes to clarify. He’s just taken on a new job at Fifa.

“He did great work,” Mourinho continues, smiling into an Amazon selfie stick. “Deep, deep inside, I’m very, very sad.”

Despite Raul’s best attempts to put him up in a five-star Mayfair hotel, Mourinho adds that his home is now situated in the upper-floor of Arsenal’s London Colney training ground, where his staff are wearing matching pyjamas, working through the night superimposing cut-outs of their leader into photographs along the corridors.

“I remind you, this is not about me, it’s about the club,” he says to the trailing motorcade of press.

First full training session

Before taking charge of his first training session, Mourinho has a few pre-existing issues from the old regime to offload.

To begin, he pulls Joe Willock aside. “Are you Joe Willock’s brother?”

“No, he’s at Gillingham.”

“Yes, yes, but are you Joe Willock’s brother?” Mourinho repeats.

“No, he’s on loan at West Brom.”

“Gah!” Mourinho shouts and storms off.

Mourinho’s assistant texts Willock to say he’s been dropped from the matchday squad – the matter will later be resolved at an employment tribunal where Willock will win a settlement that leaves the club penniless for the next four transfer windows and Eddie Howe sacked six months into the job.

The elephant in the room remains ousted captain Granit Xhaka, though. Mourinho has been told that the midfielder must play on Saturday to restore at least some of his value before Xhaka is stripped and sold as parts in January. Fail to do so, and Sanllehi says his order of six Romelu Lukaku-sized Scott McTominay’s will be null and void.

“OK, let’s try again,” Mourinho sighs. “Are you Granit Xhaka’s brother?”

“No, my brother is playing for Basel in Switzerland.”

“Gah!… Wait… Is that near the Fifa headquarters in Nyon where Arsene Wenger is buried?” Mourinho perks up.

“Er, yes, but Arsene is not…”

“Any friend of Arsene’s is always welcome here. I always respected him. I will treat you like my son. You shall become the best No 8-and-a-half in the world.”

Lastly, out on the training pitch, Sanllehi and Venkatesham have taken issue with Hector Bellerin’s haircut. “It’s a bit similar to Emery’s,” they acknowledge mournfully.

“Who’s that,” Mourinho asks.

“Think of Maicon or Ashley Young,” Mourinho tells Bellerin after training with a naked razor blade in hand. “I turned them into two of the best right-backs in history. Why? Because they were aerodynamic.”

First Match

Mourinho’s conducting his pre-match interview with Sky Sports, wearing a long sleeve puffer jacket with at least five visible zips, pulling them all up and down smoothly in sequence.

“What’s the thinking behind your team selection?” he’s asked.

“I’ve always admired these zips,” he responds. “You only know a zip when you’ve had a chance to use it yourself and, what I can say I can tell you now is that all these zips are perfect.”

Just before kick-off, Mourinho enters the referees’ office and asks if it’s possible to hold a minute’s silence for Wenger before kick-off. Michael Oliver bursts out laughing. Something to do with favouritism, Mourinho presumes.

After 10 minutes, Arsenal take the lead against Southampton when Xhaka launches into a mazy dribble, skips past two defenders and scythes a shot from 35 yards into the top corner. By half time, he completes his hat trick, tapping home courtesy of a wonderful one-two between Shkodran Mustafi – now operating as a defensive midfielder – and Mesut Ozil – now operating.

‪In the changing rooms afterwards, Rick Astley plays out over the speakers as Mourinho admires his reflection in the shine of Bellerin’s scalp. Alexandre Lacazette and Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang dance together while liking a photo on Instagram with the caption ‘Never gonna say goodbye, Unai’ on each other’s phones.

“What’s an Unai?” Mourinho says.

First Day Off

The smell of Saintly blood lingers at the Emirates – largely due to the wound inflicted by Xhaka on one belligerently resentful fan. The video has gone viral on Arsenal Fan TV, now the club’s official means of communication since ‘Troopz’ was installed as the squad’s motivational speaker per Aubameyang’s request.

Mourinho had originally been scheduled to fly to Madagascar with similarly aerodynamic Fifa president Gianni Infantino. Sanllehi and Venkatesham suggest a short holiday in Rwanda to see the mountain gorillas and strengthen ties with the club’s shirt sponsor. However, after a back-and-forth negotiation, both sides agreed that Mourinho and God, in that order, require rest on the seventh day

Jose Mourinho and Gianni Infantino on a Fifa expedition last month (Getty)

First European game

Mourinho asks the players to meet at the training ground ‪on Tuesday lunchtime ahead of the game. Willock tries to explain to him that Arsenal are still in the Europa League and will face Frankfurt on Thursday.

“Where’s your brother?” he responds hatefully.

Meanwhile, at the stadium, workmen are replacing the boards illustrating all the club’s honours with Mourinho’s own personal haul of accolades.

“You see,” he grins, pointing at the silhouette of the 2010 European Cup trophy. “Champions League football, back at the Emirates.”

Mourinho’s subsequent failure to attend the Europa League game on Thursday leads to the club’s expulsion from the tournament.

Over the following months, Arsenal begin a tailspin towards the bottom of the table, causing supporters to start chanting “we want Emery back”.

“I just can’t place him,” Mourinho says.