Kindon proves it <i>is</i> a funny old game

The 'runaway wardrobe' of the 1970s is now an award-winning speaker &ndash; and he always shoots from the lisp

(COLIN MCPHERSON)

Among the more repeatable epithets bestowed on Steve Kindon during his rampages with Wolverhampton Wanderers and Burnley were "Skippy", "The Tank" and "The Horse". One commentator likened him to a "runaway wardrobe". And he was officially "Britain's fastest footballer". Now, as his former clubs prepare to meet at Molineux today, he has a new title.

Kindon, who turned 59 last Thursday, is the newly crowned Soccer Speaker of the Year following a raconteurs' shoot-out in Manchester. Like the status Wolves and Burnley currently enjoy, two decades after locking horns in the Fourth Division, such prizes represent a reward for countless nights of hard graft at unglamorous venues.

While his shows at Premier League banqueting halls always raise the roof, the former striker-cum-left winger's favourites remain the small football clubs where he cut his rib-tickling teeth. "Not even your Stafford Rangers but your Gnosall Priory Amateurs," he says, inventing the latter. "Ordinary lads out enjoying themselves."

The talent he brings to his second career in the game is anything but ordinary, having been honed despite a lisp that provoked mickey-taking at his Warrington school in the 1960s. "I got in a lot of fights because of it. My dad told me just to twat 'em."

The toughening-up process, enhanced by playing rugby union, had a beneficial effect; at 17 he was in Burnley's First Division side. He thought only of his battles with Paul Reaney and Ron Harris until events conspired to make him realise that, speech impediment or not, he could amuse an audience as well as excite a crowd. "I was watching a schoolboys' final at Turf Moor. I was in jeans and T-shirt but a steward told me the manager, Harry Potts, wanted me to go home and change into a suit. He needed me to present the trophy because Brian O'Neil hadn't shown up. I didn't have a car so I ran back, showered, put my suit on and jogged back. At full-time I dried my hands ready to hand over the cup. But everyone began leaving. The manager said we were off to the town hall. There'd be a meal 'and you'll say a few words'.

"I was crapping myself. I was 17 and talked funny. One of the headmasters got up and spoke first, starting with 'My lord lieutenant, Mr Mayor, Lady Mayoress, Mr Chairman, Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls'. Another guy did the same. I told our chairman, Bob Lord, I did not think I could do it. He said: 'Steven. Stand up. Speak up. Then shut up.'

"He reminded me the majority of those present were boys. 'They want to be what you are. You're their hero'. My name was announced. I got up and did the 'Lord lieutenant' bit. I couldn't think what to say next so I said 'I learnt that while I was sat here'. Everyone laughed. I got the confidence to say more, presented the medals and got a standing ovation."

When Burnley's would-be "Team of the Seventies" were relegated in 1972, Kindon was sold to Wolves. There he became that dressing-room oddity, the player who actually enjoyed accepting invitations to present prizes in schools or open supermarkets. "The ones I loved were hospital visits. Parents thanked me and I'd feel a fraud because they made me feel good and appreciate what I had." He regularly filled in for reluctant team-mates. "Gradually I added bits. Soon I was slipping in a gag."

Some people, Kindon says, have a flair for comedy. "I loved Tommy Cooper. He never told jokes but only had to open a gate and everyone fell about. I remember at Wolves when our right-back Geoff Palmer said he'd heard a great joke. When he finished there was one hearty laugh – from Geoff. John Richards went: 'You tell it, Steve.' I said: 'But you've just heard it.' The lads persuaded me and all cracked up."

Nowadays, he plunders his playing days for material which requires minimal exaggeration to split sides over the post-prandial brandy and port. "I did 10.7sec in a 100-metre race at Meadowbank to become Britain's fastest footballer," he says. "Now I'm Britain's fattest ex-footballer."

Then there are stories about George Best, Mike Summerbee, Derek Dougan and a 15-minute set-piece about one particularly intimidating opponent. "I'm not saying Tommy Smith was hard," he says, "but he was born on 5 April 1945 and a month later, Germany surrendered."

Behind the laughter lies a passionate football man – all-time hero "Sir" Roger Hunt – who is also fascinated by history (we discuss the princes in the tower within sight of Blackpool Tower); regional dialects (he is still enamoured of the Black Country au revoir, "Tarra-a-bit"); and politics (he argues for professional football to be subsidised by council tax).

Such diverse interests help keep his wits sharp. Just as well with competition that includes Jimmy Greaves, Denis Law, Duncan McKenzie, Norman Hunter, close friend and ex-Burnley colleague Paul Fletcher plus thrusting newcomers Steve Daley, Jan Molby, Dean Saunders and Paul Merson.

Daley became a Wolves team-mate, although when Kindon arrived "the kingpin, our Roy Keane" was Mike Bailey. The calibre of Dougan, Richards, Kenny Hibbitt, Dave Wagstaffe, Frank Munro and Derek Parkin made it "the best team I played in". Better than the Burnley side containing Ralph Coates, Martin Dobson, Dave Thomas and Fletcher? "It didn't fulfil its potential." Why? "Because they moved Harry Potts upstairs to give Jimmy Adamson the job. He didn't have Harry's man-management skills or know-how about running a club."

Kindon was thrilled when the clubs for whom he appeared nearly 400 times were promoted together. Heartened by Wolves' back-to-back wins prior to Tuesday's defeat by Manchester United, and by Burnley's strength at home, he is nevertheless "worried about them both – they must win more games against the bottom eight".

Yet ask if he feels more for the old gold or the claret and blue and he responds with the rhetorical aplomb of one practised in disarming friendly hecklers. "Which is your favourite child," says Kindon. "Your son or your daughter?"