Australia united on and off the pitch

On the eve of the Ashes series, which begins tomorrow, the visitors' tour manager paints a picture of harmony

There is an old, old cricket gag, attachable to any out-of-form batsman, and still recycled at the expense of David Gower on that near-unwatchable show They Think It's All Over. You know the one. A man phones the England dressing-room: "Hello, can I have a word with David, please?" "I am afraid he's just gone out to bat," comes the reply. "Just hang on, he'll be back in a minute." When applied to the current Australian team, the old joke now has a new twist.

"Hello, can I have a word with Adam, please?" "Sorry, mate, he's just gone out to bat. Can you call again tomorrow afternoon?" Which brings us to Chelmsford, to the tourists' final dress-rehearsal before the main event gets underway at Edgbaston tomorrow. I am sitting in the pavilion with their tour manager Steve "Brute" Bernard. Behind us, the acting Australian captain Adam Gilchrist, on his way to 150, is carting hapless Essex bowlers to distant parts of the ground, and, in the case of one colossal straight six, to distant parts of the county. Damien Martyn at the other end is scarcely less brutal. He makes 114. It all augurs distinctly ill for an under-strength England.

However, I am hoping that Bernard, in telling me what goes on behind the scenes on this Ashes tour, will reveal one or two fissures in the Aussie set-up. The odd personality clash, perhaps? A terrible case of homesickness? One or two malcontents following a practical joke gone wrong? And, with a sigh, Bernard tells me that the Australian team is indeed riven by feuds, that Gilchrist desperately wants to go home, that Shane Warne and Steve Waugh have fallen out because Warne left a dead frog in Waugh's bed.... oh, alright, I am lying. He doesn't sigh and says nothing of the sort. On the contrary, the Aussies are as united off the field as they are on. And no, his nickname Brute does not relate to him sadistically punishing his charges for arriving late at breakfast, producing a whiff of rebellion; it is just that there is a well-known wrestler in Australia called Brute Bernard.

By the standard of cricketing nicknames, this counts as almost-lateral thinking, as does Dizzy, the nickname of Jason Gillespie, and Tugger, the nickname of Steve Waugh. Of the others, Gilchrist is Gilly, Warne is Warney, Damien Fleming is Flem, and Michael Slater is Slats. But here's a thing, Bernard tells me that Slater is also known as Sybil. Why Sybil?

Bernard, an amiable, phlegmatic character who looks like Alan Titchmarsh's better-looking brother, gives a slight smile. "It's just developed," he says, evasively. "I'll leave that alone if you don't mind." He moves hurriedly on. "Glenn McGrath is called Pigeon, because he supposedly has legs like a pigeon. He used to be called Millard, because when he came to Sydney from the country he lived in a Millard caravan. Brett Lee is Bing, after a furniture chain in New South Wales called Bing Lee.

"Justin Langer is Alfie, after the rugby league player Allan Langer. And our physio, Errol Alcott, is Hooter. Because when he started this job he'd never seen a cricket match and disliked the game immensely. On the first day of a Test match he said: 'How do they know when to come off? Does someone ring a hooter'?"

Alcott and Bernard are part of a backroom staff of seven, also including the coach John Buchanan, the assistant manager Mike Walsh, who doubles as the video analyst, the fitness adviser Jock Campbell, Rebecca Lauder the masseuse, and the media manager, an engaging Welshman called Brian Murgatroyd. We've all passed a lot of water since the 'Botham' Ashes of 1981, and the construction of the tourists' backroom team offers as good an insight as any into the evolution of the cricket tour. Kim Hughes' team arrived here 20 years ago with just a coach, a manager, a physio and, bless, a scorer.

Those were the days. England not only won that series, but won again in 1985 and then retained the Ashes, in Australia, in 1986-87. Since 1989, however, the Ashes have been Australian property. It will be a major shock if, at Edgbaston, England start to loosen the Aussie grip on the hallowed urn.

Australia did lose their most recent series, in India, against the odds. But nothing fires them up like the Ashes.

"This is the tour you want on your cv at the end of the day," says Bernard. "The tradition of playing a side for well over 100 years gives it the edge, even over West Indies and South Africa at their best. Coming here, the guys see themselves as part of the tapestry of cricket history."

Bernard himself never quite made the tapestry. He was a decent fast-bowler for New South Wales in the early 1970s, his misfortune being to emerge at the same time as Dennis Lillee and Jeff Thomson, Max Walker and Gary Gilmour.

The highlight of his career was bowling the great Sunil Gavaskar for one in a match against the Rest of the World in 1971-72, then having Gavaskar dropped at third slip off the first ball of the second innings. The Indian batsman went on to score 99. That's why Steve Waugh and co rarely miss catches.

"But they know that it won't be easy," Bernard continues. "The captain is on record as saying that the England Test team is a real team again, playing for each other. We knew that their one-day form wasn't strong, but there might be five or six players at Edgbaston who weren't in the one-day side."

The Australians, he adds, will prepare quietly today for tomorrow's match. "They'll train for a short period in the morning, then rest up and have a wrap-up meeting about six. Then we'll have a team dinner at about 7.30 for maybe a hour and a half, after which a lot of the players will go to their rooms. At the wrap-up meeting they will go through last-minute things. Key points, important areas. But concerning their own game, not the opposition.

"The opposition will be analysed by then, and of course we have some wise heads on the field. Shane Warne and Steve Waugh can see someone bat for 10 minutes, then tell you what plan they'd use to get them out. And they're usually spot on." Nevertheless, Bernard confides that there is one sense in which Warne and Waugh are batting, or more specifically bowling, for different sides. At the team's tenpin bowling nights, two distinct groups have emerged, called the Nerds and the Julios.

"The ones who are slaves to fashion are the Julios, after Julio Iglesias, and the more traditional, less dashing ones are the Nerds," he explains.

"Shane Warne's obviously a Julio, but Steve Waugh's a Nerd. Mark Waugh's a Julio, but Damien Fleming is without doubt a Nerd. Glenn McGrath is president of the Nerds, or should be. The Nerds are the current tenpin bowling champions. But they also divide up into Nerds and Julios when they're warming up, playing touch-football or soccer. Each group has a lot of pride." I invite Bernard to tell me more about the players. After all, they say you should know your enemy. Monty with a picture of Rommel on his wall and all that. Perhaps, if we learn something of their idiosyncrasies, their human frailties, they might begin to seem less invincible. Or perhaps not.

"Five of the guys have pregnant wives," says Bernard. Hell, they are even good at that. "Yes, every time they get a break they get very prolific.

"Damien Fleming and Adam Gilchrist have just announced it, and Steven Waugh, Shane Warne and Glenn McGrath all have pregnant wives who are with them at the moment. The other wives or girlfriends are coming out at the end of the tour. It is part of the new memorandum of understanding between the [Australian Cricket] Board and the players that, if a cricketer is away for more than 50 days a year, the board will fly out his wife or girlfriend." Or, ahem, boyfriend? Bernard smiles. "We haven't had that situation yet, but, being the egalitarian organisation that we are, I imagine that would be allowed as well." And other extra-curricular activities? "Most of the boys play golf. Mark Waugh's a good player and Ricky Ponting's handicap's about three. Steve Waugh doesn't play too often but he hits it a hell of a long way. Justin Langer's a martial arts black belt." Heavens. Not much sign of weakness there. What about superstitions? Please tell me that Steve Waugh is scared of any cricket ground beginning with an E. "No, but he always carries a red handkerchief, and Mark Waugh draws a little stick man on his thigh pad when he gets a first-class 100. Or used to. I don't know if he still does that.

"Erm, and Michael Slater's a Bon Jovi fanatic. When we were up in Manchester most of the boys jumped in the coach, got on the highway, and went to some Lancashire town about 45 minutes away [Huddersfield, actually] to see him in concert. Slater got to high-five Jon. He was pretty rapped about that. And we have a very strong card school going. We've played 130 games of 500 [a type of whist played in pairs, apparently]. Myself and Shane Warne are the undisputed champions. We are undefeated over a number of tours." Do they play for money? Could this be the Achilles heel we've been looking for, corrosive gambling debts? Another smile. "There might be a dollar or two floating around at the end of the tour," he says.

I ask whether there is a fines system in place? In those distant days when I used to go on cricket tours, I tell him, chaps were fined for all sorts of things, from dropping a simple catch to ogling a barmaid. "We do have tour fines committees, yes. But we do it on some tours and not others. We talked about it and decided not to have one this time." What sort of transgressions are liable for fines? "Usually very minor transgressions with lots of tax added. But if a guy has a weak spot the others will pick it up very quickly." For instance? "If you don't mind we'll leave that one alone. Some things need to stay within four walls. But I can tell you that the manager is often savaged at the fines meeting. And that mistakes on the field are not fined.

"The other guys might take the mickey, but at the end of the day it's a serious business." Indeed it is, so let's discuss the issue of discipline. Has 'Brute' Bernard, manager of every tour since February 1998 – which has taken in India, Pakistan, Sharjah, the West Indies, South Africa, Zimbabwe, New Zealand and England – ever had to crack the whip? "There have been a couple of instances, yes. It's a straightforward process.

"The tour executive – the captain, the vice-captain, the coach and the manager – sits down with the player concerned, and if it's appropriate there's a penalty. But it's not a prevalent thing and on this tour they've been exemplary.

"Besides, we've got blokes of 36 years of age in this side. I can't tell them when to have a drink or not. They are dedicated, professional guys, and essentially self-governing." So he won't be ordering those with their partners here to abstain from sexual relations tonight, as Bill Shankly used to do on the eve of a big game? "Er, no. I've never known anyone to tell the guys they couldn't have it," he says. Shame. I'd love to see Steve Waugh's face. It's always good to see him not getting what he wants. Although, sadly, I doubt whether this will apply to the 2001 Ashes.