Signs that lead to success

Insider dealing was once the prerogative of shady men with small stockbroking firms and large gin and tonics. Now it is rather frowned upon in the City of London. However, I can report that insider information is alive and well and living in the property market.

I can say little more than that since I am the person with that inside information. This is not the product of a misspent youth and a questionable choice of friends but of what my colleagues in other parts of the newspaper would call investigative journalism.

I am obliged by the Geneva convention and Magic Circle code of conduct not to give away too many of my secrets. However, if you want to know which houses are going up for sale in my area I can tell you - or will be able to you once I have squared the insider-dealing circle.

As usual there are one or two flaws in an otherwise flawless scam. But once they are ironed out I will not only have the property of my dreams but a nice little business on the side flogging addresses to those of no fixed abode.

The key to my anticipated prosperity is a man who for the sake of argument shall be called Bernie, who for the sake of convenience drives a truck. This is no ordinary truck. It is a truck which carries the property equivalent of gold bullion. Yes it is the truck which delivers For Sale signs to houses which are for sale.

These signs represent inside information on a grand scale. Estate agents love seeing their name up in lights or at least in gaudy colours on an acetate board. They cannot resist the opportunity to litter our hedgerows with these signs.

My theory, based on the important assumption that the signs go up before the particulars go out, is that those signs will lead me to success in the marketplace.

Already I have put in place a sophisticated tracking system which will allow me to trace the exact movements of Bernie's white truck. Once a pattern is established I will select his busiest day and follow him around until I alight upon my property of choice.

If I am smart enough I may even be able to convince the vendor that I am a random buyer who has just chanced upon the property. The intention is not to avoid estate agents' fees but then again ...

I have been helped in all this by an extremely accommodating chap who frequents the snug bar at the Fount of All Knowledge. His name is Reg. He used to live in the East End and calls everyone "My Son".

Apparently he made his money in the commodity markets with an astute investment in gold. He has proved an admirable source of information about staking out the truck. Reg is an odd character who calls my project "the blag" and is for ever going on about "being tooled up". He also believes we should wear Margaret Thatcher masks at all times which I can only assume is some witty comment on the property market which is way above my head. But Reg is not a man I would want to offend.

My guess is that some time in the next few weeks we will be in a position to strike. If I can complete the transaction to my satisfaction I will collate a weekly list called Property Insider which will be made available in the snug bar for a small consideration.

I just wonder how much longer Reg will be associated with my enterprise. He has an aversion to lawns, which frankly are a pre-requisite in my neighbourhood.

"If anyone grasses me up they are dead," Reg is for ever reminding me.

I, too, am troubled by hay fever, but Reg is going over the top here I feel. I will keep you posted.