Donald Trump's New Year letter to America we'll probably never read

As we might imagine things...

Just remember what my wonderful mother from Scotland used to tell me: 'Donald, Yer a wee scunner' (Getty)

Let me start by wishing everyone HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!! And a happy Hanukkah, a happy Kwanzaa and a very happy and blissful Festivus, too. I know lots of you have got in the habit of blurting out Merry Christmas, but as Americans it’s important that as we look back over the year that’s passed, and forward to the one that lies ahead, to value and respect everybody’s culture equally. I like to remember what my wonderful mother from Scotland used to tell me: "Donald, Yer a wee scunner."

I’m sure you’ve all been busy celebrating!!!! The Trump family is one big beautiful happy clan, and I love catching up on the news to see how the grandchildren are, and what animals Don Jr and Eric have been shooting in Africa. This year, I also had a lovely letter from a lady called Stephanie Clifford; I don’t recognise the name but it sounds like she’s an admirer.

While I’m focussed on the FAMILY, I like to catch up with my friends too. I sent an invitation to my buddy Rex Tillerson to join us for lunch. I love chatting with Rex and I always learn so much. He is SO smart and SO hardworking. Anyway, it appears he didn’t get the invitation. SAD!!!

What a year it has been, huh? Nato summits (such lovely people); my meeting with Mr Putin (something I’d have rather avoided, but he seemed so keen to meet me; the summit in Singapore with the North Korean leader (again, talk about somebody desperate for the limelight), and then that whole business with Iran. The Persians are beautiful people and have such a sophisticated, ancient culture. I do hope we’re all going to be friends again soon.

As I frequently remind people, it was not so long ago that Ronald Reagan was selling weapons to the Iranians, albeit munitions provided by Israel. (Israel, now that’s a Middle Eastern s***hole country I’d rather have less to do with, especially given the roughhouse way they treat the Palestinians.)

Then there’s Robert Mueller’s investigation. As you all understand, up until now, decorum and commonsense have prevented me from really commenting on this in public. But I’d like to say what a great job he’s doing – honest, straight, and fair and balanced. Not like those people on Fox News, which I never watch, but who appear to have stolen his slogan.

As I keep saying to my lawyer Rudy – between you and me Rudy’s a bit of a crank, right? – anything we can do to help Mr Mueller in his important work, we should be doing. He has a very difficult enough job as it is. No wonder Jeff Sessions recused himself.

If it turns out that Russia helped rig the election, then that’s not right. I’d hate to be sitting in the White House in my robe, thinking some Russian military intelligence operation had put me there. I say, let's have a re-do. I’m sure the Democrats would love to see dear Hillary having yet another run. And there’s no rule saying there can only be one election; I did 14 seasons of The Apprentice, though I must admit, when Arnold took over after me, he did an even greater job and had such wonderful ratings. He’s a beautiful man.

New Year’s resolutions!!!! I’ve told my accountant, first things first, I must release my tax returns. Doesn’t matter if they’re being audited or not, let’s get them out.

I’m also thrilled to have the chance to meet the new intake to congress. I’m especially excited to meet fellow New Yorker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who I think dresses very appropriately. I know I’m going to have to play nice; she has said some harsh words about Amazon that I simply don’t agree with.

The nice Mr Bezos did a wonderful thing by buying the Washington Post. It’s so important to support local journalism, and journalists generally, as I wrote in the card I sent Jim Acosta. And as I say to Melania as we turn in for the night, ‘Democracy dies in the darkness’.

Anyway, I think young Ms Ocasio-Cortez and I will have plenty to talk about, including Puerto Rico. I know she’s a big fan of how my government helped after Hurricane Maria struck last year.

And what about those midterms?!!!! I know Mitch and Kevin were grumbling, but I think it’s important to mix things up and have the Democrats in charge of some stuff. How’d it be if the power was all in once place? It’d be enough to make someone act like an autocrat!!!

Didn’t you think Nancy looked just great when she was sworn in, the other day. I think she has been beaming since she dropped by my office with Chuck to discuss the budget. Really enjoyed that meeting. Shutdown touchdown!!

What else is on my agenda? Well, obviously immigration reform. I was so struck by the beautiful words of Victorina Morales who works for me at my Bedminster National Golf Club, and irons my boxer shorts with such care and precision.

It’s CRAZY we can’t find a way to make these people part of our system, especially those souls who have walked all the way here. I mean we’re a big country, with broad-arms. Can’t we just let a few more in?

Special counsel Robert Mueller (Eric Thayer/Bloomberg)

Like the words on the dream catcher I keep in Barron’s bedroom say: “Unless you’re a native American, you either came to this country in chains or else as an immigrant.”

I also want to protect our boarders. It’s MADNESS people can post something about their apartment on Airbnb, then for renters to get there and discover it’s not what was advertised. That’d be like someone making a lot of wild promises to people and failing to deliver on them.

Then there’s the courts. There’s been a lot of attacks on the judiciary this year and attempts to undermine their independence. I think they’re doing a great job, especially those folks on the Ninth Circuit.

If another vacancy comes up on the Supreme Court, there’s nothing more I’d love than to nominate one of them. There’s no judge in America more qualified for the highest office than those folks from San Francisco. They’re truly making America great again. And what about the CRAZY weather?!!!!! Wildfires, floods, melting ice caps. I was watching a two-hour documentary on PBS one evening, and it was scary. I mean, who knew?

I think I might invite James Hansen, Mary Betsill, or even Dr Warren Washington to come to the White House for a beer and a chat. (I’m not really a big drinker but I so admired the way my friend Barack defused that nasty business with Henry Louis Gates – a BEAUTIFUL man – and officer James Crowley.)

Seems crazy that we’re not part of the Paris Climate Accord. Don’t know who pulled us out. I hope “mon ami’ Emmanuel can smooth things over. (I’m such an admirer of the way he goes about things, not that I like to stick my nose in the business of other countries.) Sadly, can’t say the same for my friends in Britain and the mess they’re having with Brexit. I told them it was a crazy idea from the start. Like I said to my friend Sadiq Khan, this Chequers deal may be the worst trade deal in the history of trade deals. I told them, you’re better sticking with Europe.

Anyway, we have an exciting year ahead. But amid the excitement, I hope we can all be a little more calm in 2019. We’d all do better to think for a moment before reacting to things, and consider what we say can impact somebody. (I love the mindfulness book my friend John Kelly sent me as gift.)

With that, I’ll leave you with my very best wishes. May God bless you all – whichever God it is you follow – and may God bless America!!!!

Yours with love,

Donald