How do you want me?

John Kerry has less than three weeks to convince American voters he's the man for the top job - and he needs all the help he can get. Mister X (aka Brian Sack) solicits some expert advice

Dear Mister X

Dear Mister X

Thank you for contacting the Greenberg Gesture Clinic. We are very interested in your project and certainly believe we can help you in your efforts to secure the senator a job in the White House.

For more than 60 years, the Greenberg Gesture Clinic has specialised in the creation and use of crowd-winning gestures for celebrities and public officials. Our Thumbs Up is a huge hit, and royalty worldwide owe their popularity to our tried-and-true Queen Wave.

If I may offer you a little amuse-bouche of sorts, it would be what I call the Power Fist. Have John make a vertical fist when talking. Point the thumb-tip towards the camera and slowly jab. It works wonders. Bill Clinton mastered the thing.

Hope to hear from you,

S GREENBERG
Greenberg Gesture Clinic
New York

Dear Mister X

Thank you for contacting eMailFlooder, the internet's premier unsolicited e-mail marketing tool. No doubt you've been on the receiving end of our business savvy. Every day we help advertise prescription-free pharmaceuticals, penile enlargement, breast enlargement, baldness remedy, mortgages, sexual exploits and multi-level marketing. Why not your candidate?

I would recommend a mass e-mail with a subject line such as "Hi there love" or "Sexxi Maggie thinks you [sic] hot!" to get them to open the message. After that, you make your pitch. It's cheap and apparently effective or I wouldn't be in business.

The only caveat is that we might have to spell his name "J()H!\! K-e-RR/" in order to evade increasingly sophisticated junk-mail filters.

Additionally, we operate out of Romania, so no troublesome federal election laws to bother with.

Please let me know what you think.

THOMAS SMELTZER
eMailFlooder/Inboxtrusions Inc
Bucharest, by way of relay servers in Samoa

X

Picture this: Your candidate featured on the telly 24 hours a day. He can do no wrong. We sing his praises and make his detractors look like idiots. It works, believe me. I've done it before. Call to discuss.

R MURDOCH
From my plane

Mister X

Many thousands aspire to be president. Maybe even you. Of course, not everyone can be. If you're like most folks, you'd love to know what separates the winners from the losers - the fat cats from the little guy.

Well, I can tell you. That's right, Mister X, I have that answer. And I'm going to share it with you absolutely free. And best of all, there's no obligation. No catch. No fine print.

You heard me right. I'm going to give you the answer you seek. For nothing. Nada. Zero. Zip.

Am I crazy? Far from it. Mister X, I believe in what I'm telling you. And I know you'll be back for more. The answer is very simple. You need a well-written direct response letter.

Please contact me today.

I look forward to hearing from you.

BRION SUTHERLAND
Geterson Direct Marketing
Delaware

Mister X

Thank you for asking me to help. I'm going to pass. Once bitten, twice shy.

DAN RATHER
CBS News

Mister X

It doesn't matter what the issues are. The question is: Who would people rather have a beer with? If the answer is your candidate, then your candidate is the winner.

Right now you're losing because Kerry is not someone they'd have a beer with. It's not even clear if he drinks beer. He seems like a Scotch guy. Probably single malt.

George? People would have a beer with George. People used to have a lot of beer with George. In fact, George had so much beer that he reached his beer limit. Now George has no beer. That's unfortunate, but the fact is many folks would prefer juice with George than a beer with John - especially if John's wife was going to come in and start complaining about the bar's atmosphere.

People preferred a beer with Carter over Ford, obviously. Reagan showed up and seemed like a better guy to have a beer with, so Carter was shown the door. Folks remained convinced Reagan was a better beer partner, so Mondale didn't have a chance. Bush the Elder and Dukakis weren't exactly folks you'd run to the pub with, but voters could at least picture a slightly uncomfortable beer with Bush the Elder. However, as soon as Clinton showed up, the choice was clear and George the First called it a night. Everyone could picture having a beer with Bill, which was unfortunate for Bob Dole. But they couldn't picture having a beer with Al Gore, especially when he was paired with someone so experienced at drinking it.

And that's the predicament you're in. Senator Kerry needs to become the ultimate party monster. To do that, you need us.

DAVID KIESGEN
VP Marketing, Budweiser
St Louis, Missouri

Mister X

The Libertarian Party is in receipt of your letter. The Libertarian Party is the third-largest political party in the US, according to the Libertarian Party. I'm sure you're well aware we managed to get 0.36 per cent of the vote in the 2000 presidential election.

No doubt, you're contacting us to find out exactly what not to do. We think that's mean.

THE LIBERTARIAN PARTY
Washington, DC

Mister X

Ogilvy & Mather thank you for your interest. You've contacted the right folks. We have mottoes about brands all over the office. In fact, I have a coffee mug about the importance of brands. It says: "To Be The Agency Most Valued By Those Who Most Value Brands". That's our motto, or at least that's what the motto was when they had the coffee mugs made.

Building brands is what we do. We're excited at this opportunity to re-brand Senator Kerry, and we're eager to start as soon as possible. The best thing to do would be to figure out what we want the public to think of when they hear "John Kerry". Right now it's, "He's not George Bush". That's not what you want, I understand. You want some- thing like "good" or "better" or "Kennedy-ish". That's where branding comes in.

The ideal situation would be to make his name synonymous with the presidency. If I say "photocopy", you probably think of Xerox. If I say "tantrum", you no doubt think of Elton John. With proper branding, "president" will make you think of John Kerry.

Getting to that point will require a lot of work. We'll need to discuss further. In the meantime I have Allan in the graphic department going through some logo treatments we couldn't sell to Nestlé.

Be in touch

BRUCE
Mail Room Manager, Ogilvy & Mather
New York

Mister X

For your candidate to be having the success is simple: take control of the media. Is not rocket science - is history.

V PUTIN
Moscow

Mister X

The commercial opens on a sea of hellfire. George Bush rises from the flames to a chorus of demons. Cut to Hitler. Cut to Idi Amin. Cut to Stalin. Cut to Ghengis Khan. Cut to Vlad the Impaler. Cut to Pol Pot. Torquemada. Mao. Jack the Ripper. Ivan the Terrible. Evil clowns. Cold sores.

And that's just the first 10 seconds.

We look forward to hearing from you.

THE CREATIVE DEPARTMENT
MoveOn.org

Mister X

Goodness, we're trying. I don't know what else we can offer you. Barbra is sending off hysterical memos all the time. Alec is insisting this time he's definitely going to move to France. Michael is finishing his latest documentary, linking Republicans to the disappearance of dinosaurs. Tim and Susan are going door to door singing protest songs. Sean's probably going back to Baghdad. We remade The Manchurian Candidate to be about Dick Cheney. Not sure what more we can do, but by golly we'll keep trying.

HOLLYWOOD
Hollywood, California

Mister X

I am flattered you would seek my assistance, though I believe I would be much more useful to the Bush campaign.

LYNNE TRUSS
London

X Mister

The arrogant, hegemonic United States and their illegal and cynical domination of our misled Korean brothers and sisters to the south must cease! For this reason, we are grateful to receive your farsighted and noble request for assistance as it affirms our belief in the ideology of our revolution and the glorious philosophy of Juche given to us by the Great Leader whose passing still waters our eyes with sadness.

You may find the answers in Dear Leader Jong Il's famous work On The Establishment of an Orwellian Dystopia Headed by an Awkwardly Bouffanted Bipolar Dwarf, which is currently published in Ghana and Azerbaijan. This work of genius became the centerpiece of a 100,000-person parade in Pyongyang last May, and contains wisdom that our Dear Leader has graciously offered to share with you:

1. Get platform shoes (compare prices online).

2. Finish all of your sentences with the words "on pain of death".

3. Tell people you came from a rainbow.

We look forward to talking to you further. One on one. No China.

JUNG GIN KIM
Korean Central News Agency
Democratic People's Republic of Korea

Mister X

Horrible. Really. I don't know what to say. I don't think the best people are on stage. I don't think America made the right decision. Really. Dreadful. This is very disappointing. Pathetic. Sorry.

SIMON COWELL
Los Angeles, California

Mister X

Received your letter. Happy to help.

This problem is easily solved. Look at the general population. Feel them out, find out what it is they want and need. Once you've pinpointed that, you make it, market it and reap the rewards.

Case in point: electric nose-hair clippers. We took a good, hard look at America. We wanted to know what made the average American tick, what their number one concern was. We thought it might be terrorism, taxes, Social Security or the economy. We were wrong. It was unsightly hair coming from the nostril.

When we looked in to it, we saw why: no one loves a hairy nose. Do you? Doubt it. You can even try our electronic nose-hair trimmer for 30 days. If you're not fully satisfied, return it for a full refund.

THE SHARPER IMAGE
Everywhere

Mister X

Thank you for soliciting our advice on repackaging.

Frankly, we're not sure, either.

THE CHEEKY GIRLS
London, UK