Foodie bible puts Cheng's cross-dressers out of sorts

So how many gifts did the Independent bureau in New York receive this season? Just the one. Clearly, we have not been buttering up the right people. But thanks to Tom Cooper of Douglas Elliman, a fancy estate agent here, for my special edition 2004 Zagat's restaurant guide. It comes with his name embossed on the front - why not mine? - and its pages edged in gold.

Some controversy awaited the publication of this year's Zagat's, New York's bible of where to eat and which establishments to avoid, so I opened it with anticipation. Yes, it is true, Lucky Cheng's, a cabaret-restaurant with cross-dressing waiters, really did get just nine points out of a possible 30 for its food. And the Grocery in Brooklyn, which no one has ever heard of, received 28, a stunning score.

Founded as a bit of a lark 25 years ago by lawyers Tim and Nina Zagat, the book is an annual hit, selling some 650,000 copies. It may not be taken as seriously as France's Michelin Guide with its star system, but it can make all the difference to the fortunes of the 1,918 restaurants it surveys. No wonder some in the business are wary, therefore, of the ever-expanding Zagat tyranny. Tim and Nina trumpet the fact that their survey is compiled from the reviews of ordinary restaurant-goers, not by professional food critics. This year's introduction tells us that 29,300 foodies submitted their opinions. Each participant dined out an average of 3.4 times a week, together testing 5.2 million meals. I admit I use the guide frequently to overcome mind-blank when trying to pick somewhere to eat. Aside from rating and summarising the experience in each, the book offers handy little annexes. Want to eat something English? Well, there are only two possible choices according to Zagat's. Thirty-five spots make it on to this year's list of places described as "Power Scenes". We have managed only six of them.

All across town this weekend, hundreds of restaurateurs are posting their latest Zagat certificates in their windows, or at least those who exceeded 19.93, the average food score this year. The owners of Lucky Cheng's, however, will not be doing so. They are too busy suing the Zagats for $10m (£5.6m), alleging unfairness and grievous financial harm.

A quick flick through the pages finds only one other entry with a score as low as Lucky's. It's Mars 2112, an outer-space theme joint that happens to be my 10-year-old's favouritest place on, well, Earth. Next worst is TGI Fridays, with 10 points, which we both rather like.

¿ Visitors to Independent Towers here want to eat well, but they also want to shop well. So, we direct them to all the obvious places - Bloomies and so on - and to the less obvious. That is to say, Canal Street in Chinatown. That is where all the shady street vendors are hawking rip-off Armani sunglasses for 10 bucks and Fendi handbags for not much more. It is a brand-seeker's paradise.

But we have bad news. Mayor Michael Bloomberg and state politicians are pushing new laws to send them packing. As part of the campaign, police raided a warehouse in Manhattan's garment district just before Christmas and confiscated $1m-worth of counterfeit goodies made overseas.

Even I have been a victim. That pirated DVD of a not-yet-released film I bought last month came up blank when fed into my machine. But haven't Bloomberg, and Giuliani before him, gone far enough to sanitise this city and bleed the colour from its streets? And besides, my last pair of "Armani" shades have fallen apart and I need some new ones.