When daddy's little girl grows up: She was my princess

How do fathers feel when their daughters start having sex? One man drove to the house of his 16-year-old daughter's boyfriend at 1am. Was she there, he wondered, and, if so, what were they doing? Looking up at the dark windows and feeling foolish, this confident businessman realised he hadn't a clue what to do next. What he wanted to do was smash down the door and drag the young man out. He realised then that his feelings stemmed not so much from parental concern as a deep, tearing-apart jealousy . . .

Kevin Chandler, 42, is a psychotherapist and trainer with Relate. His daughter, Hannah, 20, has a 20- month-old daughter, Abigail.

Hannah and I were very close. She was just lovely, a delight. When she was about six, I remember coming home and hearing her shout 'Daddy's home', then she'd rush along the hallway and literally leap through the air into my arms. She could wind me round her little finger. 'D-a-a-ad . . .' she'd say, when she wanted something, and it always worked. When she became a teenager, all that changed. Instead of 'D-a-a-ad, can I stay out later tonight?', she'd simply come back late. She couldn't always be trying to win her freedom, she'd got to grab it, I saw that.

But because I understood what was happening, I felt I should be able to accept it much better. Hannah was behaving in ways that my head understood but my heart felt bludgeoned by. She must have wondered why I was suddenly so cold and disapproving. Two things happened. Her body changed, she became more womanly, a much more sexual being. And because we'd been so close, she suddenly found her relationship with me a threat. The cuddles stopped. They were too scary, the budding sexuality was there. For her, it must have felt like she was losing her daddy, while I was desolate because I'd lost my little girl.

When Hannah started her first sexual relationship, she said to her mother, 'Don't tell Dad.' Fortunately my wife felt I needed to know and I remember thinking oh God, she's only 14. When your daughter's been the apple of your eye, it's difficult to feel her choices are good enough for her. That was something I had to struggle with. It was a period of loss. I felt I had to relinquish control - though I was never one to play the heavy father. We hear a lot these days about sexual abuse in families - quite rightly - but there are also dangers at the other end of the continuum, fathers who won't allow their daughters to be sexual, refuse to give them permission. I wanted to keep my daughter as my little princess but there was also the big fear that my love for her could be seen as a sexual thing.

So Hannah did what many teenagers do. She decided her life was outside the home and she was hardly ever there. Around this time my wife and I broke up. Hannah lived with me at first, but then decided to move in with her boyfriend. 'You're far too young to live with anybody, it's crazy,' I told her, but there was no way she'd listen. I ended up saying: 'Well I don't approve, but you've made your bed, you must lie on it.'

At 16 she became pregnant. She talked to her mum about it and finally decided on a termination. But I was the one who insisted on driving her to the clinic in Leeds that Saturday morning. It was horrendous to be doing something like that - I don't mean for me, I mean for her. About a dozen other cars were arriving and I was the only man there. It didn't half hit me, the male part in it, so my feelings about her boyfriend weren't too hot. His attitude to the whole thing was: 'It's nothing to do with me'.

Then at 18 she got pregnant again, by the same man, which made it even worse from my point of view, though now I get on with him OK. This time she was determined to have the child, even though there was no question of her setting up home with the father. I hit the roof. 'How can you be so stupid? You can't take a baby back after a month,' I said. 'It's an 18- year job and it goes on after that.' Although she heard me, I think she also heard that I wanted to wring her neck.

Now all I can say is that for the first time in her life, I'm proud of my daughter. That might sound awful. I've loved her ever so much for many years, but never before felt proud. She was just a delight and because she got loved so easily and unconditionally I think, as a consequence, she never asked a lot of herself. Now she's living in a grotty little flat on very little money and the start she's given to her daughter in life is brilliant. She's a truly wonderful mother.

When little Abigail had her first birthday, I gave her mother a present, too, and a card: in it I told her just how proud I was of her and what a wonderful first year she'd given her child. I didn't think I'd ever feel this way, you see, because Hannah seemed to make so many rotten choices and I'd always wanted to be all things to her. I'm not ashamed of my feelings about my daughter and the joys of being her dad.

(Photograph omitted)