General Election 2015: An idiot's guide to not sounding like an idiot when it comes to politics
It's two days to the election and that means people are talking about the election, which means that you should have some things to say about the election, so here's a dummies guide to who's who, what's what and what to say
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Your support makes all the difference.We know how it is. You’re supposed to care about politics and the election. It’s important; there could be changes which could possibly affect your future. But it can also be dull and there are loads of policies and political jargon which you’re just not into. However, it’s always good to sound like you know what you’re talking about with these things. So, to help you out at those dinner parties and work drinks, where your friends (who are probably also blagging it) will bring up the big vote, we’ve come up with a handy guide on what you need to know for the General Election 2015.
Who’s who
You’ve got the big boys – the main party leaders: Cameron, Clegg and Miliband. Then there are the leaders of the other parties – UKIP’s overlord Nigel Farage, the Greens' Natalie Bennett, Nicola Sturgeon for the SNP and Leanne Wood for Plaid Cymru.
David Cameron has been Prime Minister for the past five years, which you should probably know because, if you don’t, this guide probably can't help you.
Nick Clegg has been Cameron’s number two ever since the Tories and Lib Dems formed a coalition. Clegg is probably best known for promising a generation of students that he wouldn’t let the government raise tuition fees if the LD got into government and then doing, well…exactly that.
Things aren't going well for the Lib Dems and they are currently languishing in fourth place in the polls.
Miliband is leader of the Labour party, a shock to some who favoured his (debatably) more composed brother David in the party leadership race. However Ed managed to win thanks to help from the unions and he’s been the Labour leader ever since. He has been buoyed by the #Milifandom in recent weeks.
Farage is essentially a pantomime villain. UKIP mostly stands for the blockage of immigrants to this country and our removal from the EU. Farage strives to represent the "everyman", despite studying at private school Dulwich College and then spending his career working in the City.
Bennett is seen as the underdog. She is leader of the Green Party, former journalist and Australian. Not so great at interviews.
Sturgeon became leader of the SNP after Alex Salmond (fan of girls with Soleros) stepped down. The first woman to be leader of the party, which is pretty boss. She recently got into hot water for supposedly saying she favoured Cameron as Prime Minister, in a leaked memo known as #nicileaks.
Wood is leader of Plaid Cymru. She apparently is keeping in touch with Sturgeon via Instant Messaging throughout the election. The general public were pleasantly surprised by her good performance at the first leader’s debates.
Who wants what
The Tories
Immigration – David wants migrants to wait four years before being able to collect certain benefits such as access to social housing and Universal Credit
The economy – Eradicate the deficit by 2018 by implementing spending cuts rather than raising taxes. No VAT increases.
Education – Convert many schools into academies.
The EU – Hold a referendum on Britain’s membership to the EU by 2017
NHS – George Osborne wants to put a £2bn a year cash injection in the frontline NHS services to appease NHS bosses who want an extra £8bn a year until 2020 to sort out the damage.
Housing – First time house buyers in England under 40 will be able to buy their first house with a 20% discount. 100,000 starter houses will be built to accommodate this.
Labour
Immigration – Surprisingly to some, Labour have jumped on the Immigration scapegoat wagon and are clamouring for stronger border controls with entry and exit checks.
The economy – To get the National Debt falling as soon as possible, if they manage to get into the next parliament. No more borrowing for new spending. No increase in VAT or National Insurance contributions.
Education – Increase overall education budget in England. Guarantee childcare for parents between 8am to 6pm. Compulsory sex and relationships education.
The EU – Push for reform of the European Union .
NHS – Ed Balls one upped George Osborne by pledging an additional £2.5bn a year on top of Osbornes’ £2bn a year.
Housing – Build 200,000 new homes by 2020. Cap rent increases in the private sector.
Lib Dems
Immigration – Reintroduce exit checks so that the government can check who is overstaying their visa allowance
The economy – Raise the personal allowance to £11k. Strict new ‘fiscal’ rules to ensure the deficit is gone by 2018. Impose an additional rate of corporation tax on UK banks to raise money to pay of the deficit.
Education – Protect education budget from cuts. Compulsory sex education in all schools – including free schools and academies. Free childcare for all two year olds.
The EU – Insure greater efficiency in the EU.
NHS – An extra £1bn a year for the NHS, with half going towards mental health.
Housing – Build 300,000 new houses a year. That’s triple the Tories. Take that Tories.
UKIP
Immigration – Introduce an Australia style points system. Bring immigration numbers down to 50,000 people a year which seems a totally realistic number
The economy – Increase level of personal tax allowance to the full-time minimum wage level (£13, 500) by 2020. Cut foreign aid by £9bn. Scrap £8bn in membership fees by leaving the EU.
Education – More grammar schools. Cut sex education for children under seven. Allow universities to charge EU students the same as non-EU students, i.e a lot.
The EU – Leave the EU. Do not pass go. Do not collect £100.
NHS – An extra £3bn a year boost to the NHS paid for by leaving the EU. God they hate the EU.
Housing – Protect greenfield belts by building affordable houses on brownfield sites. They haven’t specified a number of houses.
Greens
Immigration – Progessively reduce UK immigration controls and allow migrants who have been in the country illegally for five years to remain, unless they pose a danger to the public.
The economy – Those earning more than £100,000 would pay 50% income tax. Enforce a cap on banker’s bonuses. Crackdown on tax avoidance for multi nationals.
Education – Bring free schools and academies in local authority control. Scrap university tuition fees. Scrap national curriculum.
The EU – Referendum of Britain’s membership with the EU. Reform E to give local councils greater powers.
NHS – Stop privatisation. Divert funding away from main central facilities and put into local community health care.
Housing – Scrap right to buy. Build 500,000 social rented houses by 2020, because why not, Green goes hard.
Things to say to make you sound like you know what you’re talking about
“That coalition really didn’t work as smoothly as we all thought it would huh?”
Start most conversational points with the prefix of “As a hard-working tax payer...”, even if you’re not. It makes you sound like an involved member of the electorate.
Say something to spark conversation such as: “Personally, I think that it would be too costly for Britain to leave the EU. What do you think?” – Whilst your companions discuss, take this opportunity to strategically go and get another drink and never return.
While with friends who also live in rented accommodation - that packs 12 people into a 5 bedroom house – say: “Do you know what? They should just build more bloody houses”. Then nod authoritatively as they cheer in agreement.
“I don’t know man, I just think Farage’s anti-EU and immigrant discourse breeds an attitude of fear and scapegoating, distracting us from the real drain on our country’s resources.”
“If Miliband runs the country like he eats a bacon sandwich, then, you know…” – don’t finish the sentence, just raise your eyebrows and shrug your shoulders. Wait for your friend’s reaction. Use this to guide you in the rest of your conversation.
“Did you see that ludicrous debate on TV last night?”
Key words to drop into everyday sentences
• Long-term economic plan
• Deficit
• Hard-working families
• Referendum
Fun facts about the leaders
Cameron
• Eats hot dogs with a knife and fork
• Once left his eight-year-old daughter Nancy in a pub
• Likes feeding lambs
• Thinks super famous Disney film Frozen is a book
Miliband
• Struggles to eat a bacon sandwich
• Has two kitchens
• Willing to overthrow brother in order to become supreme leader, much like the Lion King
• Cosplays as a Happy Warrior
Clegg
• Has perfected the sad puppy eyes look
• Performed very popular cover of Uptown Funk
• His wife, Miriam Gonzalez Durantez, is a complete boss. Clegg is definitely punching.
Farage
• Likes a cigarette
• Likes tweed
And that's pretty much it.
Just say it with conviction and you'll get through the month.
So go, go do politics.
(Oh that's Ed Balls, shadow chancellor, once tweeted out his own name leading to Ed Balls day becoming a thing)
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