The first look inside Brexit Wonderland! The UK's new museum to leaving the European Union
It started life as an April Fool's joke, but now Brexiteers really do want to build a Museum of Brexit. Here are some helpful tips
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Your support makes all the difference.Whether Brexit Wonderland, Lincoln, ever opens we can but wait and see, but if it does, we hope it will have an exhibit on how Brexit Wonderland, Lincoln itself ever came to be. For nothing could ever sum up better the full dizzying wonder of Brexit itself.
The idea of a National Brexit Museum, which is under serious consideration by leading Brexiteers, appears to have started life as an April Fool’s joke on a Manchester community blog. Such is the disappointment 10 days later that plans for a Snog, Shag or Punch stall featuring Ken Clarke, Chuka Umunna and Jacob Rees-Mogg were not in fact real, that they are planning on setting one up themselves.
Initial plans are to open Brexit Wonderland in Lincoln, to honour its revered status as the most Eurosceptic town in the country. It is hoped that by the time Brexit Wonderland opens, the Eastern European agricultural labourers who keep Lincoln's economy alive will have all gone home, decimating the town and in turn, Brexit Wonderland too, fully in keeping with the spirit of Brexit.
Gawain Towler, Ukip’s never knowingly under-tweeded former Ukip communications chief, appears to be behind the project, and is issuing pleas to Brexiteers not to throw away valuable Brexit-related paraphernalia that may come to be of crucial value in telling this glorious chapter in our nation’s history, which unfortunately is not itself an April Fool. And if it were, well, it’s long gone noon now, and the joke is absolutely, definitely, 100 per cent on us.
In the meantime, Brexit Wonderland, Lincoln, will require careful planning so here are some helpful tips to keep the punters happy.
The Park and Lie – Brexit Wonderland, Lincoln will naturally be rammed from day one, so a Park and Ride system will be essential. Children and adults alike can get in the mood for their thrilling day at BWL as they ride the Big Red Lie Bus from car park to gate, texting entirely fictional spending commitments onto the side-mounted big screen billboards as they do so. £350m a week for the NHS! £10bn on day on sweets! That kind of thing.
The Big Pound Dipper – Strap yourself in for the ride of your life as BWL’s Big Dipper tracks the value of the pound against the dollar from 2014 onwards. A genteel ride with ups and downs and until WOOMPH! It’s 12.30am on 24 June 2016! Scream as the whole family plummets into near vertical descent as the Big Pound Dipper crashes to earth, just like the value of Daddy’s retirement savings.
Sovereignty Fountain – Don’t miss the daily bongs of Big Ben, replicating the moment the UK left the European Union on 29 March 2019 and the Sovereignty Fountain is open open OPEN! Dive in and splash about in all that sovereignty, freshly repatriated from Brussels. Feel the freedom from ECJ jurisdiction fly up your nostrils.
Ride the Ukip Leader Bronco – Just how long can you remain leader of the United Kingdom Independence Party? The louder you scream, the faster the ride! Cling on for dear life as you accuse a gay donkey of raping a horse, your girlfriend racially abuses the Royal Family, and your loyal local activists tell the BBC they can’t be in the same room as anyone with “negroid features”. Last more than three minutes and win a beekeeper enraging official BWL burqa! Hurry up, before they ban it!
Brexit World Showcase – Just like Disney’s Epcot Centre, the Brexit World Showcase will take your little ones on a magical tour of all the places they will be free to live,work and start a life from 2019 onwards. Alright, so there’ll be no miniature Eiffel Tower, no Parthenon, no Brandenburg Gate. But watch their faces light up in wonder at the authentic replica of B & M Bargains on Grimsby High Street. Watch them go wild in Warrington Poundland.
Whack-an-Expert – Kids, how quickly can you smack down so-called experts from the IFS, the OBR, the OECD, and their “economic forecasts”, with a handy Michael Gove mallet? Miss and they’ll tell you: “Vote to Leave the EU and Britain will go from the fastest growing economy in the G7 to the slowest, almost overnight.” And who wants to hear that on a family day out?
Cape Nuttall – Don your helmets, brave your spacesuits and join Space Commander Paul Nuttall in a stunningly realistic simulation of the former Ukip leader’s first manned mission to the moon.
The Blue Passport Queue Extender – Really get the most out of your day with a special Blue Passport Queue Extender pass. Watch as those silly French and Germans zip straight to the front, their fun day all over in 15 minutes. Just pay a Dutch/French company £480m and you too can put some well meaning people from Gateshead out of a job, and stand at the back of the line all day watching the world go by without you.
Play the Royal Yacht Lottery! – Don’t forget to deposit your life savings into a bucket on the way out, and if you’re lucky, you will get to play your part in buying a superyacht for the Queen. What larks! See you next year for more of the same. On and endlessly on forever.
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