Andy McSmith's Diary: Who gets to keep the nukes? Only us of course, say Tories

Nuclear weapons are on the one hand necessary to keep us safe, but on the other hand we want them banned worldwide

HMS Vanguard sits in dock at Faslane Submarine base on the river Clyde in Helensburgh, Scotland (Getty)

The ageing Trident submarines with their nuclear payload “must be replaced and updated” because “they are necessary to keep us safe”, said David Cameron at Prime Minister’s Questions.

A month ago, when questioned by the Labour MP Paul Flynn, the Foreign Office minister Tobias Ellwood said that the UK had submitted a report to the Nuclear Non-Proliferation Treaty Review Conference, which “sets out steps we have taken to support the goal of a world without nuclear weapons”.

So, nuclear weapons are on the one hand necessary to keep us safe, but on the other hand we want them banned worldwide.

RU wearing R2-D2 shoes?

I was standing in Parliament’s members’ lobby, when an unusual sight passed by. It was the Labour MP Angela Rayner, recently promoted by Jeremy Corbyn to be a shadow minister for work and pensions, carrying a large, very full cardboard box containing numerous pairs of high-heeled shoes.

It was her fondness for good shoes that gave Ms Rayner her first taste of fame, after she wrote a furious letter to the manager of a Brighton shoe shop whom she accused of letting her down after she had ordered a £192 novelty pair of Star Wars-themed R2-D2 shoes. There was a complaint against her because she wrote the letter on parliamentary headed notepaper, but it was not upheld.

As to why she was carting a box of shoes through the Palace of Westminster, I am afraid I do not know the answer, but I am sure she had a good reason.

Too many tweets...

Nick Rushton, the Conservative leader of Leicestershire County Council, has called in the police after somebody noticed that he was apparently following a load of pornographic Twitter accounts containing graphic photographs. Someone had maliciously hacked his account, he said.

The Labour MP Dawn Butler offers no such explanation for the tasteless tweet she posted during Prime Minister’s Questions, which said: “Cameron looks like a kid whose [sic] just done a poo said a friend. Yes it does feel like he’s Shitting all over the working class doesn’t it”.

What possessed her to write that? “It’s a long story,” she told me cheerfully, as she hurried off to an urgent appointment.

Vanity thy name is footballers

Sir Bernard Ingham, who was Margaret Thatcher’s loyal press secretary for 11 years, has let rip at the double standards that make the British complain about overpaid boardroom executives while ignoring Premier League footballers who wallow in their wealth.

Writing in the Yorkshire Post, he proclaimed: “We see everything from the artificially bald with luxuriant beards to the Rastafarian; the lavatory-brush to assorted Mohicans; the effeminate ponytail above designer stubble to flowing locks all tied up with ribbon or string; and the short back and sides with profuse lawns on top in various stages of falling off the scalp.

“And shaved-in partings are all the rage. These vain beggars are too lazy to comb their hair.

“I thought the end of the world was nigh the other day when I saw a chap removing his diamond earrings on being called up from the bench.

“None of this conspicuous consumption, complete with top-of-the-range cars and mansions to delight a Hollywood star, seems to raise an eyebrow.

“Inconsistency, or whatever, has become a national disease. After all, company bosses do at least provide jobs instead of just preening themselves in the Colosseum.”