A field guide to the tribes of Toryland
It's not just Iain versus Ken. Disloyalty, division and dirty tricks are the hallmarks of the party as it elects a new chief. A whole variety of factions is contributing to the destruction of what was once a great political force.
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Your support makes all the difference.'Land of Hope and Glory' Tories
A chorus of 'Rule Britannia' and a 21-gun salute is all it takes to ignite this mob. A rag-bag Dad's Army of Eurosceptics, rightwingers, 'little Englanders' and now, more worryingly, members of the British National Party and hard-right groups have attached themselves to Iain Duncan Smith's cause.
Customs: Mostly of the authoritarian right. They are the sort who take immense pride from the tag "the party of law and order", and so determined are they to snatch it back from Tony Blair's New Labour that they will move further to the right on drugs and crime policy. They see themselves as the guardians of family values (as long as the family looks like their own). But it is their stance on Europe which defines them most clearly. When it comes to the single currency, it's a big, fat, non-negotiable "NO". At the fringes, though, they are a more sinister group, prone to rejecting all things non-English, including people. The most extreme of them have railed against asylum seekers, inflamed racial tension and provided the Establishment face for racially motivated thuggery and violence.
Distinctive markings: Sharp-suited (c 1990) professionals, polished shoes, nice M&S tie. Or, wearing olive green cords, brushed cotton checked shirt and driving a Land Rover. Close cousins wear fitted flag of St George T-shirt, jeans, black boots and a No 1.
Tribal homeland: Home Counties or the equivalent bits outside cities in the North and the Midlands.
Chiefs: Iain Duncan Smith (but only latterly), William Hague, Michael Howard.
Ditch the pound brigade
This lot offend Tony Blair as much as their own party with their principled belief in European co-operation, engagement in the European market and the euro.
Customs: Though they usually come from the left-wing of the party, they are by no means all "liberal" in outlook or behaviour. They take many of their traditions from the original One Nation Conservatives, the "Born to Rule" Tories (see below right), but had to work to afford such big houses.
Distinctive markings: Never knowingly smart.
Tribal homeland: A town like yours (well, the outskirts).
Chiefs: Kenneth Clarke (their current great hope), Michael Heseltine, Sir Edward Heath.
Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll wing
Neo-libertarian right-wingers who believe in freedom of choice in just about everything, as well as small government, minimal state intervention and the primacy of market forces.
Customs: Tend to have a background in business (the bigger the better) and an enduring love affair with the United States (because business is even bigger over there). Even those who could not be described as archetypal party animals at least respect others' right to be.
Distinctive markings: Anything goes (OK, so they sometimes push the boat out and wear novelty socks).
Tribal homeland: Very central London.
Chiefs: Peter Lilley, Alan Duncan.
Lost tribe of the Portillistas
Supporters of Michael Portillo who, despite his sworn determination never to chase the Tory crown (again), remain unshakeable in their belief that he is Thatcher's true heir.
Customs: Stop-at-nothing plotters who have mastered the art of knifing their opponents, but not that of getting away with it.
Distinctive markings: Slick youths lacking a number of social graces.
Tribal homeland: Job Centres of SW1.
Chiefs: Francis Maude, Robbie and Nick Gibb, Michael Portillo.
Thatcher's children
They remember it as if it was yesterday, the moment when the Iron Lady unpacked her navy blues at No 10. Sadly, some of them actually think it was yesterday and remain as fierce in their support for 'herself' as they did in 1979.
Customs: To wait in hope of a handbagging at her annual conference appearances. Aim to please with often anachronistic speeches about breaking the stranglehold of the unions, putting the "Great" back into Britain and rejecting European integration on the basis that the French eat horsemeat.
Distinctive markings: A stare.
Tribal homeland: Kent or Essex.
Chiefs: Norman Tebbit, Gerald Howarth, David Amess.
The born rulers
The patrician Tories are the party's old guard. Often from political families and supremely conscious of heritage and duty, they have flourished, thanks to the support of the forelock-tugging masses for generations.
Customs: Once drawn exclusively from the ranks of the aristocracy. Those who are not marry into it. The result is the continuance of long-established political traditions and tall, healthy children with good bone structures. Dine well at their clubs, naturally. Relax at the country seat.
Distinctive markings: Three-piece suit, bad hair, paid-for paunch.
Tribal homeland: The shires.
Chiefs: Nicholas Soames, Michael Ancram, Lord Strathclyde.
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