What are the signs of domestic abuse in a friend - and how should I help?

If you are worried that a friend or family member is being abused, there are things you can do to help

(Refuge)

Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. On average police forces receive a call related to abuse every 30 seconds, according to the charity Refuge, as thousands of women reach out to their helpline every day.

Figures released by the charity show that one in four women in England and Wales will experience domestic abuse in their lifetimes. For those close to them, it can be extremely difficult to know how to help or what’s best to do.

But through Refuge and hundreds of other domestic abuse charities, help can be found for both long-term and short-term needs. This is why The Independent is partnering with the charity to raise £300,000 and help build a home for women escaping abusive partners.

Be a brick, buy a brick and donate here or text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15

The Brick by Brick campaign was set up to provide women with the safety they deserve. Refuge has long supported domestic abuse survivors, and provides advice and guidance to those who are struggling, or fear that someone they know could be.

Create a safe space for your friend to reveal their feelings without it getting back to their partner (Refuge)

If you are worried that a friend or family member is being abused, there are things you can do to help. Refuge does not recommend getting involved directly, as this can lead to dangerous scenarios.

Instead, you could create a safe space for them to talk about their feelings, reassuring them their words won’t get back to their partner. Make sure you listen to them, and let them know they are being taken seriously, are not at fault, and are not alone.

Sometimes, just asking if they are OK or letting them know you are worried can be enough to begin helping.

If you find yourself in a situation like this, it can be useful to know what to look out for. Refuge offers a guide to the different kinds of domestic abuse, and how to identify the signs of each.

Physical abuse

This includes hitting or other forms of physical violence. A sign that the person you are concerned about is experiencing this could be cuts or bruises on their face or body, although they may try to conceal them.

Physical abuse can also be restraining someone, or throwing objects to scare them. Seemingly ‘little things’ like a shove or pinch that may be passed off as a joke can constitute physical abuse, depending on the context. This could be a sign of abuse.

Psychological/emotional abuse

This could be name-calling, threats and manipulation, blaming the victim for their abuse, or “gaslighting” them. If you notice this behaviour when with the couple, or are told about it by your friend, this could be a sign of abuse.

Coercive control

This is when an abuser uses a pattern of behaviour over time to “exert power and control,” and it is a criminal offence. If the person you are concerned about seems reluctant or scared to meet you because of their partner, it could be a sign that they are experiencing this.

Your friend may also seem fearful to discuss details of their relationship with you, especially not wanting to paint their partner in a bad light or may blame themselves for issues.

Tech abuse

Tech abuse can be when someone sends abusive texts, demands access to devices, tracks their partner’s location, or shares images of them online.

Signs of this may be the person you are concerned about not wanting to have conversations over text message, especially about their partner. They may also mention these behaviours in conversation.

Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise £300,000 to build a safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future.