‘We were abused by the same man but we became close friends’

‘We escaped but there’s going to be a third – because he’s still out there,’ warns domestic abuse survivor

The two women bonded over the shared experience of a living hell at the hands of the same man. Image posed by models (iStock/Getty/The Independent)

When Hazel* went to her ex-boyfriend’s house to collect her belongings a few weeks after their split, he tried to run her over on the drive, while his new girlfriend branded her a four-letter word.

Five years later, the two women became close friends, having bonded over the shared experience of a living hell at the hands of the same man.

Hazel and Beth* are both coming to terms with what they suffered from Conor* – who was manipulative, violent, controlled their every move and raped them.

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Terrified, Hazel said she ‘shut down’ during the abuse. Image posed by model (Getty Images/iStockphoto)

The Independent has partnered with domestic abuse charity Refuge to build homes for violence survivors, their children and their pets – a campaign backed by prime minister Sir Keir Starmer.

“After Beth escaped, I kept an eye on her,” says Hazel. “We’ve supported each other. She said: ‘If I hadn’t had you to talk to, I would be way back down the process [of recovery].’

“When I realised she’d left, I followed her on Facebook. I thought she’d either be very receptive or fearful. When she first messaged me, she said she’d seen me walk my dog and had wanted to reach out to me for ages but was too scared to talk to me in case of my reaction.

“We messaged and bonded over our experience, and realised just how similar our stories were.

“She was quite fearful of me, so I had to earn her trust. We met in a pub and found we had so much in common: I’m blonde; he forced her to be blonde. We both had children and were vulnerable.”

Hazel is certain their ex will go on to claim a third victim.

“Two of us have escaped but there’s going to be a third. Because he’s still out there,” she warns.

But she claims no one in authority – police, crime commissioners or MPs – is listening or acting.

She met Conor online. “At first he was charming and fun,” she recalls, and they quickly moved in together.

When he told her not to wear high heels, and found he liked “graphic, disgusting” porn, she was shocked.

Hazel says: “It started so slowly. He played sex board games, then it became creepy – he wanted to know about my previous relationships. I didn’t know that would all be used against me.

‘I’ve had to grieve for the person I used to be. I’ll never be her again,’ says Hazel. Image posed by model (Getty Images)

“Gradually all my friends were cut down. Soon he was challenging me about sex.

“In public, he turned on the charm. But he’s clever with words and manipulates you so you question yourself.”

She says if she rejected Conor for sex, he would “literally lie on top of me”.

Hazel adds: “I just lay there. I was so numb and in the end, I shut down. I felt dirty and dehumanised. He’d drink himself to sleep and if I moved, he’d get angry because I’d woken him up.

“He didn’t like me being too fat but I could hardly be thinner. He’d pick me up and weigh me. He called me his blow-up doll.

“They rewrite the story and you go along with it because it’s easiest. You’re terrified and you shut down. You learn not to challenge anything.”

One time, she says he put ecstasy in her drink; another, he put cocaine up her nose as she slept.

“In lockdown, I was desperate with night terrors,” she recalls. “I remember hiding in my wardrobe once because I was so traumatised. I was like a shell.

“Once, I walked out but he came to me saying, ‘I’m so sorry, I love you, let’s try again,’ and you fall for it because you want to believe they’re a good person.”

Hazel was diagnosed with complex PTSD. Stock image (Getty Images)

A turning point came when her daughter was 12, and Hazel thought: “She’s next.” “I feared for my daughter and my animals,” she says.

She told Conor she was having an affair and had a rental place lined up thanks to a cooperative estate agent. But, unable to face “another night of interrogation, intimidation and being forced into sex”, she fled six days early.

“I was absolutely terrified. I thought I’d rather sleep in my car or on a bench than spend another night there,” she says.

She packed up her things as she’d planned, with Conor following her every step, then drove to a friend’s house.

Dealing with the effects of the trauma has been incredibly tough. She was diagnosed with complex post-traumatic stress disorder.

“Because you’ve got no bruises, people think you’re alright, but inside you’re not. There’s horror behind the mask,” she says.

“I’ve had to grieve for the person I was. I’ll never be her again.”

She says she gave evidence to police for three hours but because she had no proof, they closed the case two days later: “He told police I was a psychopath. He twisted every situation. He was a monster.”

Conor studied local properties for rent to track her down and keep intimidating her.

Hazel says refuges should allow pets as women may not want to leave their animals behind. Stock image (Getty Images)

But even though police provided alarms and door locks, they couldn’t arrest him.

But Hazel acknowledges proving coercive control is almost impossible and is now lobbying for fundamental social changes.

She says her MP promised to speak to the police commissioner. “But nothing’s changed,” she says.

If refuges accepted pets, it would make a huge difference, she says. “Many women won’t leave their beloved pets. No way could I leave my dog. Animals are great comforters, too.”

She says informing women about refuges is also vital: “If I’d known I could run to somewhere at 3am, it would’ve been a lifeline.”

Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise another £300,000 to build a second safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make a new future. Text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15.

*Names have been changed for legal reasons