Domestic abuse survivor: ‘It started with love bombing and ended with him holding me hostage’
After being held prisoner for a week in her flat, Esther finally escaped to her mother, who didn’t recognise her daughter when she opened the door
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Esther’s* relationship started with flowers, poems, and letters. Her new partner could not afford to lavish her with expensive gifts but would keep telling her she was a beautiful person and send her romantic lines he had found on the internet.
Very quickly, he made huge promises, telling her he loved her and encouraging her to give up her entire life and move to join him in London.
In hindsight, she now recognises his behaviour as ‘love bombing’ – showering someone with grand gestures to win their trust and affection – but at the time, Esther was lured in due to previous failed relationships having left her vulnerable.
But her happiness soon turned to terror as her then-partner launched an eight-year campaign of violence, abuse and manipulation, leaving her too afraid to call the police. On one occasion, he stabbed her with a screwdriver – on another, he smashed her head with a bottle.
“It was great to start with,” she says. “It was amazing. Because of my upbringing, I think I just wanted to have the family dynamic because I was lacking love from some family members growing up.”
Esther tells her story to The Independent to coincide with the launch of the Brick by Brick campaign with the charity Refuge, which aims to raise £300,000 to build a safe house for domestic abuse survivors to find their freedom.
Be a brick, buy a brick and donate here or text BRICK to 70560 to donate £15
Esther says she had always wanted to have someone who loved her and was fully committed as soon as he said those three words.
‘It was great to start with’
“It progressed quite quickly,” she adds. “I moved. I upped and left my whole life and moved to London with him and it was great.”
But as soon as she did that, everything changed. During her first night at his flat, she woke up to find him dancing strangely in the corner of the room. When she asked him what was wrong, he punched her in the face.
Esther says she was left with a big black eye; her ex apologised and promised he would not do it again, so she forgave him. But he was a very heavy drinker, and his paranoia spiralled increasingly out of control.
The relationship then progressed from the heady throes of new love to her partner attacking her twice a week. Esther experienced the full gamut of physical, sexual, psychological and financial abuse over that time.
“Someone would come up and ask me randomly at a bus stop for the time and that would be me flirting,” she recalls. “So I knew that if anyone talked to me, I would pay for it later.”
I‘ve got so many bruises and cuts and stitches and things that tell a story – that to other people would seem so crazy about why he did it
She recounts an incident when strangers on the street took it upon themselves to carry out a citizen’s arrest on her now ex and forcibly took him to their local police station, while she ran along beside them asking them to leave him alone as blood dripped from her nose.
“I've got so many bruises and cuts and stitches and things that tell a story – that to other people would seem so crazy about why he did it," she adds.
“So I was always walking on eggshells. I wouldn't say that the violence got worse. Just sometimes it was worse than others. I mean, there's so many, so many situations that I could talk about.”
‘I collapsed in the street’
Esther recalls the time he stabbed her with a screwdriver after his friend had tried to add her on Facebook, as well as the time he split her head open after hitting her with a bottle in public – and a local shop owner called the police.
“I collapsed in the street then,” she adds. “Then an ambulance took me to hospital but I just discharged myself.”
During their relationship, she says she never once rang the police – but they were often called by neighbours, relatives and passers-by.
In another incident, she says the police did not take action when there was blood splattered up the walls, despite the fact her then partner had a previous conviction for violence and was under a mental health protection order.
Holding down a job in the relationship was tricky as he would grow jealous about her being around male colleagues. One time, she was unfairly sacked from her front-of-house job because she kept coming in with visible injuries.
She says the combination of fear of him, and fear of being alone, kept her trapped in the relationship. These issues were compounded by his abuse obliterating her self-esteem and unleashing dark periods of depression.
Towards the end of the relationship, she left for longer than usual after an argument and he attacked her when she returned.
“He beat me up so badly that he didn't want me going out in public because I looked like such a mess,” she recalls.
‘He took me hostage in my own home’
He got his friend to imprison her in the flat while he went out to work and then he would come home, feed her drugs, beat her and rape her, she explains.
She was not allowed to use the toilet to look at herself and stayed in the same clothes for the week. By the end of the ordeal, she could no longer talk.
He eventually allowed her to leave the flat, and they ventured outside together – a decision she attributes to his fear that someone might wonder where she was and the police would turn up.
“I looked absolutely terrible,” Esther says. “I didn't know what I looked like but people would stop and sort of stare.”
When her ex went into the shop, she took the opportunity to run to the station and managed to jump on the train all the way to her mother’s house.
“When she opened the door, she fainted because I just didn't look like me,” Esther says. “My ear was hanging off. My nose was split. My eyes were split up. My lips were split. I had bruises all over me.”
Someone would come up and ask me randomly at a bus stop for the time, and that would be me flirting. So I knew that if anyone talked to me, I would pay for it later
Her mother has since told her she looked like a war victim. She was in hospital for 10 days and her now ex was arrested, but fear and depression stopped her from pursuing charges against him, she says.
Although she did go back to him, Esther now sees being held hostage as marking the beginning of the end, as it was the start of her contemplating leaving him at last.
The final straw was when he stamped on her throat and her back. Esther says it was the lightbulb moment which shook her up more than previous incidents, leaving her to realise he would either kill her or she would kill herself if she were to stay.
“When he had run off and the ambulance was called, on a level, I decided that enough is enough,” Esther says. “I lost consciousness for a little while. I thought, ‘I’m going to press charges this time’.”
She went to hospital – the attack has left her with ongoing back problems – and her abuser was finally arrested and later convicted.
‘Is this all for me?’
Esther was taken to a refuge as it was deemed too dangerous for her to remain in the same area.
“I broke down crying and apparently I said, ‘Is this all for me?’” she says. “Because it was just so cosy. And it was such a relief. It was almost like I could breathe again.”
Domestic abuse refuges, which house many women at risk of murder if they remain at home with their abuser, are located in secret locations and have strict security measures to ensure their residents remain safe.
The refuge was a world away from the “draining, chaotic, scary existence” of life with her abuser, and she says being looked after made her feel like a child again.
She is now juggling paid work supporting vulnerable women with voluntary work in the domestic abuse sector, including for the refuge where she stayed. Esther also does wild swimming, netball and theatre.
When she talks about the domestic abuse she endured, she says she feels like she is talking about someone else.
“I do find myself catching myself thinking, ‘Wow, look where I was and look where I am’,” she adds. “It’s still unbelievable to me. Emotionally, I’m happier than I ever thought it was possible to be. Life has its problems but even if I’m having a bad day, I think it can never be as bad as a day back then.”
Please donate now to the Brick by Brick campaign, launched by The Independent and charity Refuge, to help raise £300,000 to build a safe space for women where they can escape domestic abuse, rebuild their lives and make new futures.
*Name has been changed to protect her identity