Say hi to the new formality

When the PM said 'Call me Tony', it was further proof of the fall of formal manners. Does it matter? care?

We have witnessed the fall of formal manners, but manners do matter, and they have improved. "Loutish" teenagers and adults thank the bus driver as they get off; they treat shop staff better than aristocrats did around the turn of the century. They pay their bills on time.

The main ingredient of manners is treating the other person with the respect due to an equal. The toughest psychopath in the pub, the political leader, the actress (you can patronise someone by confining them to a pedestal) wants respect. The old manners - gushing, "How lovely to see you, and looking so terrific" - could be read as bad manners, because it's aggressively insincere, if not patronising. Really good manners, which raise the spirits, involve no flattery or lies; encouragement, yes. Lying signifies you consider it an unequal relationship.

Manners demand that strangers approach getting to know each other tentatively, with each side testing and performing an advance-retreat ritual (animals know this). If you met Tony Blair, it would be both wisdom and good manners to ignore his suggestion to his Cabinet colleagues to call him "Tony". I would call him "Prime Minister" (especially as this would let me say "Yes, Prime Minister") .

Now that Britain is becoming as crowded as Japan we need a Japanese-like courtesy and acknowledgement of each person's right to mental space. This means not treating someone you have just met familiarly. British public relations people have been taught the American technique that the oftener one says the other person's given name, the better. A cold caller will use the householder's or journalist's first name without mentioning his own name. Apparently Germaine Greer deals with it by saying, "Why don't you call me Dr Greer? Then we'll both feel more comfortable."

OLD European manners were based on the belief that to call a person by their name jolts the nerves, and this was doubly incorrect if it might be seen as taking a liberty. In Edwardian times it was not done to use a name in a morning greeting - "Good morning" or "Good day to you" spared the uncurling senses.

And yet, and yet... it is no longer that simple. Market- researched techniques, which have one intention only - of coaxing money - do improve our daily lives. If you ask a supermarket worker where something is, he or she will conduct you to the right place, which feels like sympathy. It's not: it's training.

These calculated courtesies work. For all our complaints about formulas such as "Have a nice day", we do appreciate the attitude. Commerce has codified what charms customers, as the court earlier codified what would make society run smoothly. It's skin-deep, but pleasant.

We all know Tony Blair's deliberations with his chosen few won't be very different from, say, Clement Attlee's. Attlee used to reprimand: "Mustn't waste Cabinet's time." In 1997, time has become privatised, and extreme busyness and high salaries are concentrated in the hands of the few. It's rude to tell someone with, say, a two-day job that you haven't time to meet them. Yet you haven't. This is a tricky inequality without guidelines. Lack of time is the cause of much spontaneous rudeness - hurry-rage. What polite busy people say is "I'll let you go now" or "I mustn't keep you".

It's probably good manners to hold a private party occasionally. Private party-givers are outnumbered by the -goers, and a lot of parties are public relations or expensive-ticket affairs. The old obligation to bring people together is dying out, and guests who never entertain feel no responsibility towards their hosts and the wallflowers. There's a need to greet guests: guests who cross the threshold unwelcomed feel unhappy.

NETWORKING arrived after the fall of formal manners: this is the business of setting out to knit a web of personal connections that will be useful. But the freedom to glide around parties snapping up known names has rules, at least as long as you don't want your description circulated: "X is a complete shark and needs stopping." A host feels isolated and betrayed if she or he discovers one of the guests has made an unconfessed contact through her/him which they are trying to keep quiet. It is good manners to thank the host for the introduction (whether sex or business), and if possible invite the host to your next meeting. Otherwise it looks like stealing what was offered to you.

Lawrence Mynott, who draws a Bateman-inspired series, "London Manners", in the Evening Standard's ES magazine, believes "nothing shocks any more". He detects smoking as an area where good manners are called for (smokers should ask permission) but bad manners are frequent: non-smokers, especially converts, tend to be aggressively rude.

It is not good manners to show a lot of flesh (unless the body is undeniably beautiful). It is not pleasant to use sexual language or comb your hair near a stranger. Most people don't want to think about sex with you or receive your scurf and hairs. It's bad manners to smell or have bad breath, as Americans have known since childhood. Physical acts are not for public places.

Since work life is so stressed, social life too must be lived against the clock. Considerate people are punctual; don't dial Canberra or LA without working out the time difference; resist telephoning too early or late or on weekends. They use the much maligned mobile and the answerphone to keep in touch and warn if they'll be late. Machines that shield are a vast relief for both sides.

Thanking for formal meals, parties, presents, is still essential but there's the choice of telephone, fax, e-mail, voice mail, pc, even letter. Young people's aversion to letter writing has caused some to be cut off from birthday cheques permanently. Most change their manners in time.

Should manners be taught in school? Probably, like poetry was. Most of the poems weren't understood till years later. Children too young to identify with other people will grow to realise how well those strange creatures respond to being treated nicely. A lot of parents don't feel qualified to teach their children definite ways of behaving, maintaining that manners aren't important, the heart is. Exceptionally loving children have natural manners, but those who aren't benefit by knowing what to do. Many children spend years being uncouth and unpopular because they weren't taught any manners.

Good manners entail willingness to sometimes be a cog. A cog will meekly submit to a couple's long boring wedding list instead of expressing herself with a gorgeous picture or antique. Creating a fuss and letting the emotions all hang out is usually bad manners.

It is exceptionally bad manners to give your ego free rein at ceremonies when you should be honouring the deity, the bride, the graduating class, or whomever. Recognising where respect is expected is becoming harder as people invent their own versions of religion and rituals, but being able to grasp and fit into a situation is part of manners. Rituals begin at home: teenagers and twenty-somethings find great significance in each birthday, and are more hurt than their elders if it's forgotten.

Everyone could nominate a "most polite person I know". A friend tells me the people with perfect high-society manners are now "derided, a laughing stock". That's in his fashionable artistic circle. I shall nominate Mrs Punjani of my local paper shop. She works very long hours, often on her knees surrounded by bundles of newsprint, and is charming through them all, a cheerer-upper morning, noon and night.

Finally it is polite to make one's farewells quickly and leave. To linger is egotistical. Goodbye.