Pandora: Quote, unquote ... the things they said (and maybe wished they hadn't)

"Reshuffles were not always the finest moments. There was more than one connection when the wrong person came through. The Prime Minister would be half-way through and then have to say, "I don't think this is the conversation I'm supposed to be having, why don't you come in next Wednesday?' People like me would have to come up with a job for them."

Baroness Morgan explains why Cabinet reshuffles under Tony Blair would not have been out of place in the script of Yes, Minister.

"Of course, I always agree with anything the Prime Minister has to say."

Pandora asks David Miliband after the Labour conference whether this was indeed "no time for a novice".

"I'm sure Henry VII didn't have to go down all these bloody stairs. I bet he pissed against the wall."

Ken Livingstone tries to find the gents' lavatory after delivering a talk at the Tower of London.

"Barak [sic] to visit Downing Street."

Downing Street's press office gets over-excited about the Barack Obama bandwagon coming to town.

"Nic is a bit prickly, totally insecure. He keeps on moving from film to film because he is terrified of not being in work. He just buys up expensive sports cars and puts them in a garage. He wants to conquer the world basically. Really, he is a sad man."

Mike Figgis, whose film Leaving Las Vegas won Nicholas Cage an Oscar.

"I wanted to get a job in the can before my daughter was born. It was actually very pleasant for me. I didn't have much to do with Sharon Stone. And thank God, because I heard she was a fucking nightmare."

The British actor David Thewlis gives his reasons for appearing in the lamentable Basic Instinct 2

"I have met Michael before, and I've got to say he is a little crazy and a bit of a boozer."

The Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford, on reports that his fellow Hollywood actor, Michael Madsen, behaved as if he were on the set of a Quentin Tarantino movie during his stay at the Dorchester Hotel in London.

"That was what I found particularly offensive. Call me a porn star, call me sleazy – I couldn't care less, but don't affiliate me with anything to do with the Labour Party. I certainly don't swing to the left."

Ben Dover, the porn actor, reacts to false reports that he had been put forward for the job of Labour Party General-Secretary.

"I want to launch an official complaint. I used to get so much stick, and I never actually said it."

Tony Blair, a Newcastle United fan, defends himself against the famous – but bogus – accusation that he once claimed to have seen Jackie Milburn play at St James's Park. Milburn left the Magpies in June 1957, when Mr Blair was four years old.

"Do you know what? I honestly can't remember ever meeting her at all. Seriously, I can't remember ever partying with her or anything. In fact, I'd love to meet her."

Trip-hop artist Tricky comes across all hazy about the time he was supposed to have hung out with David Cameron's wife Samantha in Bristol.

"Konnie is from a very religious Muslim family, so let's just say it would not have gone down well with them."

Pop impresario Jonathan Shalit, after his client Konnie Huq declined an approach to appear in Playboy.

"That's driving me nuts. One girl's cleavage is another girl's fashion statement. We cater for all necklines."

Sir Stuart Rose on suggestions that low-cut tops were behind a slump in sales at his retail chain, Marks & Spencer.

"He's a job thief. He's had Stephen Fry's job, Barry Norman's job, he's sent Parkinson off into early retirement, and he's crap at all of them."

Ricky Gervais speaking at this year's Baftas about his pal, Jonathan Ross.

"I just wish that Sir Ian McKellen or someone would die, then I could go right to the top."

Alan Carr vents his frustration at appearing at No.32 in The Independent On Sunday's annual Pink List.

"Yes, my mates all saw that. Let's just say I had one or two texts about it."

Ty Wood, son of Rolling Stone Ronnie Wood, after his girlfriend, Rosie Huntingdon-Whiteley, appeared in a raunchy photoshoot for GQ magazine.

"I'm sure he'll be rather excited to have his profile increased by performing alongside someone like me."

The Liberal Democrat MP Lembit Opik, sets set to take the stage with Razorlight's Johnny Borrell.

"I'd be quite keen on Al Pacino, circa Scarface."

Dame Vivienne Westwood's son, Ben, has an idea who should play him in a proposed biopic about his mother.

"All those magazine shows, especially The One Show, really profited from our success. I think they only really did that well because they came off the back of something like Judy and I."

Adrian Chiles apparently owes his success to Richard Madeley (according to Madeley, at least).

"The Messiah will be giving a sermon on the Mount, this Friday. Grateful if recipients could spread this as widely as possible. You may not want to hear a message of love and salvation but others might."

A bizarre email from the MI5 whistleblower, David Shayler, lands in Pandora's inbox.

"Acting is a lot like knicker elastic. You look at a nice bottom in denim jeans and you assume that there are knickers there, but you do not want to see the knicker line. I don't want to see it. I just want to feel it. And that's how I feel about acting. I don't want to see it. I just want to feel."

Jeremy Irons comes over all Swiss Toni on us.

"I like Carla as a singer. But she is clearly the sort of girl who goes out and gets what she wants."

Gallic beauty Eva Green, who herself had been linked to Nicolas Sarkozy, on her President's choice of bride.

"If my wife was to leave me and Carla came on to the scene, I wouldn't turn her down."

Sir Richard Branson posts an early bid to succeed President Sarkozy.

"There are two reasons for this. Firstly, he and Sarko really hit it off last time they met, as they bonded over their mutual interest in tackling global warming. Secondly, since the President got married, Arnie is now extremely curious to meet the new Mme. Sarkozy."

A source close to Arnold Schwarzenegger explains why "the Governator" is so keen to return to Paris.

"There is one not-so-bad thing to have come out of this, and that is that Georgia is now on the map."

The French philosopher Bernard-Henri Levy gives his view as Russian tanks roll into South Ossetia.

"It was extraordinary. We still managed to get some shopping done. Coming from Gloucestershire, we're used to flooding."

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen braves the inclement weather in Venice.

"I'm serious about talking to al-Qa'ida. If they'll talk to me, I'll talk to them."

Lembit Opik (again) sets out his road map for peace in the Middle East.

"Writing a book is very much like childbirth: when you've finished you always say 'never again' – but then you never know when the urge gets you."

Cherie Blair considers further sizzling revelations of contraception methods and hairdressers.

"I believe my penance is complete and Saint Morrissey has granted my absolution."

Morrissey's long-suffering manager, Merck Mercuriadis, goes it alone.

"Our contract finally ends next May, and I can't wait."

Stan Green, whose days of babysitting the celebrity chef Keith Floyd are over.