Creativity

INCENSED BY the prospect of digital television licences, readers were asked to suggest further unpopular taxes a particularly stupid government might yet introduce. Sizeism preoccupied several of you. Larger shoe sizes - people with big feet occupy more land (Derek Holmes); big butts - occupying more than one bus seat (Magy Higgs); women's clothes, size 14 and under - to discourage anorexia (Yvonne Warren); Bill Palmer would tax lawyers (by the word) or alternatively tax crime (and abolish the police).

Chancellor Peter Thomas proposes a Relief Tax for using public conveniences, an Evasion Tax on Party Political Broadcasts and a Windfall Tax on baked beans. While Mike Gifford's budget includes: a Nominal Tax on the length of one's name; Corporation Tax on beer bellies; and a Cacophony Tax on coughing, sneezing and nose-blowing concert-goers. And Luela Palmer startles the House by announcing a tax on bicycles, wheelchairs, prams, pushchairs and skateboards. Eric Bridgstock penalises walkers, by introducing tolls on public footpaths.

Pets, children, being good at maths (Octavia Leigh); new homes, kids' sweets, non-GM foods (T.M. O'Grady); stray dogs and joggers (John O'Byrne); household waste and long hair (Toby Beresford); chocolates (Maria O. Treadwell); laughter (Matthew White); snogging at parties (Janet Reid); holding parties (Annie Bissett); communing with nature (Ian Wells); not being able to recite the Dead Parrot sketch (J.A. Kelly).

There's nothing, it seems, to be had for free, any more. Bruce Birchall would tax the picking of wild blackberries on heaths and moors, Mary Flavin the rain that your garden plants enjoy, and even the air we breathe attracts an Oxygen Tax, with keep-fit fanatics surcharged by Carole Hawkins for breathing in more of it, whilst R.J. Pickles has now designed the technology to collect it: tiny airometer implants in the trachea, shortly after birth, and VDU displays on the side of the neck to facilitate quarterly readings.And as for pleasure? Don't worry, you will pay for that, too! Martin Brown intimates that surveillance cameras on every street corner means Sex Taxes are a-coming.

Luela Palmer, R.J. Pickles and Yvonne Warren each win a Chambers Dictionary of Quotations. At the World Creative Thinking Championship on Sunday, William Hartston set the questions, and David Bodycombe provided the best answers and is this year's champion. Our regular contributors Bruce Birchall and Magy Higgs came second and third equal, respectively.

"O wad some Pow'r the giftie gie us / To see oursels as others see us!" Readers' dogs are invited to tell us of strange behaviour they have observed in dog's best friend, man. Write to: Creativity, Features, The Independent, 1 Canada Square, London E14 5DL, or e-mail Loki Valhalla@btinternet.com by 2 September. Results and three further Chambers prizes on 7 September. Next week: creative uses for conkers.