News Monkey

SERBIA BOMBED. War: what is it good for? Absolutely nothin', especially if you can't watch it on TV. The expulsion of foreign journalists from Serbia and Kosovo proves that the barbaric Serbs have no idea of the true cost of modern warfare, particularly for people who have cable. What sort of madman is this Milosevic? Even Saddam Hussein let us watch.

LAW LORDS' VERDICT. It looks as if there will be no quick end to the embarrassing farce of Lady Thatcher and Lord Lamont continually coming to the defence of their hero, General Pinochet. As for Pinochet himself, he now faces a long hot summer of sitting around pulling the wings off flies, unless his lawyers can get him released from house arrest in Surrey. Then he can at last go out and meet his many British fans. Putting politics aside for a moment, we should spare a thought for a lonely and isolated man who must miss his people and his homeland terribly. Send Pinochet's Pilot Home.

SEX WITH YELTSIN. For all of us who thought that Boris Yeltsin was asleep with his forehead resting against death's doorbell, it's somewhat heartening to hear that he's at the centre of a sex scandal, following allegations of infidelity and paying women for sexual favours. It's difficult to know whether to believe such claims, but it is said that the price for sex with Yeltsin is a free flat, which does sound about right. It would have to be a nice flat, mind.

YORK HOUSE FOR SALE. Buckingham Palace has decided to sell Birch Hall, the pounds 1.5m house bought for Sarah Ferguson, who never even moved in and remains at Sunninghill Park. When you think about it, General Pinochet and the Duchess of York have a lot in common. They both maintain an irrational affection for the British Royal Family, and they're both stuck in big houses in the Home Counties which cost their supporters a lot of money. Perhaps they could meet for tea with a view to joining forces: he could teach her the basics of monetarism, and she could teach him how to deal with criticism more constructively in the future.

pounds 93 MILLION MAN. What is SmithKline Beecham doing giving its CEO 93 million quid? Don't they know there's a war on? These fat cats just don't seem to realise what these ridiculous sums do to morale on the home front. The ordinary bloke in the street would have to sue Robbie Williams 93 times to come up with that sort of wedge.